A Country Marriage (51 page)

‘I’ll try,’ she said. ‘But lately he’s so wrapped up in summat…’

‘Aye? And what’s more important than seeing that there’s food on the table?’

‘Oh, I don’t know but it’s his meetings I suppose.’

‘Them damn
Radicals
again!’ When he swung away from her, she noticed his changed expression. ‘Forgive me. Ain’t no reason for to swear, I know, but the man’s a fool. I mean, ’tis all very well looking out for the plight of others but he should see to matters at his own hearth, first.’

‘But it seems real important to him. ʼTis summat he cares about very much.’

‘I know that and I’m not saying I don’t hold a certain regard for him because of it. It’s just that when I see you like this, upset on account of not having any supper, well, it just strikes me as plain wrong.’

‘He doesn’t mean to be like it, I’m sure of it. He says he’s just got a lot on his mind. An’ maybe I’m to blame, too, for not being… well, you know… very wifely.’

‘No Mary, you’re
not
to blame. It don’t matter how much he claims to have on his mind. After all, it’s most likely him that’s put it there and anyway, whatever it is, it ain’t reason to take it out on you. That ain’t right.
I
wouldn’t treat you like that.’

‘No but maybe he’ll be different soon. See, I got this feeling that summat big is about to happen. I don’t know what it is; I wish I did since it worries me not knowing what he’s doing or where he’s—’

‘What’s he told you, then?’

‘Nothing. Least, not directly, but this last week he’s been gone most evenings and men have been calling here, strangers I ain’t seen afore.’

‘An’ you’ve no notion what it is they talk about? He doesn’t tell you?’

She looked back at him. While it was nice that he seemed to have her well-being at heart, the extent of his interest in George’s affairs left her uncertain as to just how much she should say – not that she knew much to start with.

‘He never mentions what’s been talked of and I try not to listen since I’d most likely only werret over it. And in any event, they’re always careful to keep their voices real quiet. But… see, what I’m saying is that once ’tis over and done with, then maybe he’ll be less troubled. Maybe it’s like he says; there’s just a lot on his mind.’

‘That still doesn’t excuse him behaving bad.’

‘No. But let’s not talk about him any more.’

‘No. All right.’

‘I’m so grateful for all this, truly I am,’ she said, freeing an arm from his embrace to wave at the table, piled with wares. ‘Can’t see how I’m going to explain it, mind—’

‘You’ll think of summat,’ he said, leaning forward to kiss the top of her shoulder.

‘Well, just know I’m truly grateful. And while I don’t
want
you to leave, maybe you should.’

With a nod, he crossed the room, and when he stepped outside, she huddled in the doorway.

‘If you like,’ he said, wrapping his arms about his body against the cold, ‘I can try an’ find out what George is about. I could get talkin’ to the Sharpe boys easy enough. Strikes me that if George
is
involved with summat, then for certain they are, too.’

‘Would you?’ she asked, shivering as the wind lifted her hair in all directions.

‘As I’ve said before, anything for you. And I just wish you’d try an’ remember that.’

*

‘You all right, Ma? You look mighty pale,’ George observed as he went into the farmhouse kitchen that evening and stood in front of the fire.

‘I’ve felt better, son, truth to tell,’ his mother answered and sat heavily at the table.

‘Oh.’

‘Look, George, son, I was hoping you’d be down tonight since there’s summat I need to say to you.’ He watched her reach to pull out the chair next to her, scraping its legs over the uneven flagstones. ‘You ain’t going to like it but that can’t be helped because since you seem to have set yourself on a course for disaster, it needs saying.’ When she paused, his attention was caught by the fact that she seemed short of breath. ‘Sit down here a minute.’ Reluctantly, he perched on the edge of the chair, allowing himself the merest glance at her face. ‘See, I think it’s about time you got a grip on certain matters.’

He frowned, wondering precisely what she knew, and trying to decide upon a response that wouldn’t betray him. In the event, his reply was feeble and his tone unconvincing,

‘I don’t know what you mean, Ma.’

‘Don’t think I ain’t seen; I may be old but I’m not blind. All I want to say on the matter is that you got to make up your mind, son, one way or the other, since ’tis people’s lives you’re messin’ with. Now, I know this is out of the blue but, well, I don’t want to miss the chance,’ she said, turning her body stiffly to better look at him. ‘In truth, I understand your difficulties. In some ways life’s been cruel to you but you can’t drift on like this for ever.’

As he watched her waving her hand about, he risked meeting her eyes – they were soft and watery, and her face was creased and devoid of all colour – but all he could think to say was, ‘You warm enough, Ma?’

She nodded.

‘I’m fine. But now listen to me, George.’ When she reached across to grasp his wrist, he noticed how her fingers were puffy and ice-cold. ‘Either you got to follow your heart and be prepared to deal with the outcome… especially where your wife and your pa are concerned
or
, you got to knuckle down and make the best of things in the proper fashion. It’s got to be one or the other. At the moment you ain’t being fair on neither of them and sooner or later it’s going to land you in trouble of the sort you can’t get out of. An’ for the sake of clarity, it ain’t this daft protest nonsense I’m talking about, either.’ In that split of a second, he felt panic shoot in a direct line from his stomach to his throat and all doubt faded: she knew, then. He wanted to ask her how she had found out but to do so would be to confirm what for the moment, at least, still remained between them only as supposition. And anyway, perhaps more important was the concern that if
she
knew, did anyone else? ‘An’ afore you ask,’ she was continuing, ‘no, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to think straight and make your own decision, otherwise you won’t stand by it. And I suggest you do it afore anyone else finds out what’s been going on, since that would most likely leave you no say in the matter. But then you’ve a sensible head when it suits you and I’m sure if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve long since realised all of this.’

Accompanying the bitter taste rising in his throat was a desperate need to get away from her.

‘Um, look, I need to get back, Ma.’

The way that she shook her head – as though in despair – made him realise that by responding as he had, there could have been no clearer admission on his part.

‘Well, you just think careful about what I’ve said, son.’

What he wanted to do was leave without any further acknowledgement of her remarks – then it would be easier to pretend that this encounter hadn’t taken place – but instead he found himself reaching over to kiss her cheek, discovering that it didn’t feel at all like the flesh of another person but rather a slab of limestone, freshly cut from the quarry, standing polished, cold and impersonal, ready for the engraver’s chisel. It was as though a dank shadow had stolen across him but as her pale eyes continued regarding him steadily, he found himself surprised at their lack of judgement; there was not, as he might have expected, distaste or disapproval, just understanding and possibly even sympathy. And in a peculiar way, her words offered surprising reassurance, suggesting that she was the only one to know of his transgression; something that brought a measure of relief, since although he was now rapidly coming to acknowledge that he had to do something, it did at least remove the need for him to act in haste. Beneath her unlikely calmness she had made her point, and it wasn’t a conversation that he was going to forget in a hurry, either, especially since there was one thing in particular that she was right about: he had to make up his mind once and for all and then pray for the strength to stick by what he decided to do.

Bidding her goodnight, he had the sudden notion to go for a walk to clear his head, knowing that what he couldn’t face right now was any sort of difficult encounter with anyone else, so it was with dismay that he saw Annie leaning against the wall in the yard, clearly waiting for him. At the sight of her defiant stance he sighed. It was obvious that she wanted more than simply to wish him goodnight, and worse still, there looked to be no way of avoiding her. Steeling himself, he turned in her direction and watched her push herself away from the wall beckoning him towards the dairy.

‘It’s God-awful cold in here,’ he complained in an attempt at distraction, as, checking back across the yard, she closed the door behind them.

‘I’m used to it,’ she said, deflecting his protest and turning to look at him. What surprised him was that she didn’t then make her usual move towards him, and while in the circumstances that ought to have been a relief, it in fact hinted at something more ominous. ‘So,’ she said firmly, ‘you an’ me, George, what’s going on?’

‘Eh?’

He noticed then how, although she took a step nearer, she simply stood, rubbing her arms.

‘You said that once I got rid of the baby we’d be able to keep seein’ each other.’

‘And we have, haven’t we?’

‘If you mean in the sense that we’ve actually
seen
each other, then aye, we have.’

She didn’t need to elaborate; he knew well enough her grievance. And what he also knew was that he needed to guard against getting drawn into anything more than just talk.

‘You seem to be overlooking that I been down here most nights on your account.’

‘Aye, ’tis true that you’re often down here. You were down here a couple of nights back and we sat and we talked. Or rather
you
talked; on and on about your precious protests—’

‘Annie, that’s unfair. I’ve done nothin’
but
look out for your well-being since, well, since you know… and I’ve only been reluctant to touch you because you said you needed to mend.’

‘Aye and that was fair enough, even considerate of you, some might say. But it’s going on a month since I took that poison for you and now I’m better.’ He didn’t like the way that she was continuing to look at him; the determination in her eyes was unsettling. ‘So what I want to know is, when are we going to get back to normal?’

‘Normal?’ It wasn’t that he didn’t know what she meant, it was that he needed time to think, because despite knowing weeks back that this point would eventually come, he still didn’t have an answer ready.

‘George, how many times do I have to tell you that I
need
you? Yes, I’ll be first to admit I was unwell for a while and wary, even, but now I’m full of needs again. And since I kept my part of that… grisly bargain, now it’s for you to do the same.’

‘Annie, I…’ but as his mouth opened and closed, his head failed him. It would be easy to blame the cold for the slowness of his thoughts but he knew that it wasn’t the case; after all, he had no trouble remembering his mother’s earlier words on the matter. ‘Can’t we talk about this some other time?’ he asked, unable to see how else to extricate himself. ‘You know how there’s a lot on my mind at the moment and I’m freezin’ to death here, which ain’t helping in the least.’ Watching her face for an answer, he could see that she appeared to be thinking and, seizing the moment, he moved towards the door, only for her to step swiftly into his path.

‘No. I want to know now that come Monday eve, you’re goin’ to be up there in that hayloft with me same as afore.’

Yes, much as he had expected.

‘I’m worried—’

‘About what?’

Even in the dark he could see that she was annoyed.

‘Well, that you’ll fall, obviously because clearly you can’t go doing that again—’

‘Then we should be making the most of things now, since I haven’t started bleeding again yet and Martha says there’s no way of knowing how long it’ll be afore I do.’

‘But what after that?’ No matter how much she was beginning to try his patience, he was well aware of the need to conceal his exasperation from her.

‘So you’re just going to walk away from me, are you?’

Now what? There could be no missing that her tone was growing short, and so perhaps it would be better to concede a little rather than risk a full-blown quarrel.

‘No, no I’m not,’ he said, quickly looking away and seeing now how the recent period of abstinence had started to diminish his feelings; well, at least, in his thoughts it had. At the same time, though, he knew how that very same restraint was the cause of his permanently foul mood.

‘Well you’d better not think you can,’ he became aware of her saying. ‘I kept my word for you. I killed a baby and laid down my life for you, George Strong, so you don’t get to walk away from me now; not after that.’

‘All right, all right, Annie. Don’t get upset.’ Her expression, though, was uncompromising, and he could see that she was teetering on the edge of an outburst; something he definitely didn’t need. Despite feeling duplicitous, he put out his arms and pulled her towards him, but she stood awkwardly; all stiff and frosty. ‘Please don’t get so upset. Like I said, I’ve a lot on my plate right now but once we’re done with this business on Saturday, well, then…’