A Girl Like Me (16 page)

Track 23

G
oing to school was getting harder by the day. The very people who faked their way into my life because I was dating Haneef were the same ones who kept talking crap about me. I heard a thousand different spins on my life: her mother's a crackhead—no, it's her father; her sisters and brothers are adopted—no, she's adopted. They're in foster care—no, they live on the streets…and on it went. I couldn't wait for the last day of school, so I could decide if I even wanted to come back.

Naja insisted I ignore them, which I did, but it still didn't make it hurt any less. I'd been trying to ignore Haneef because I was too embarrassed, and I really didn't know what to say to him. So I gave up and wished somehow I could just rewind time, and go back to when he was simply a poster on my ceiling.

“Elite!” Naja ran after me down the hall as the lunch bell rang. “Let's go in the cafeteria.”

“Naja,” I said, “I don't know about that.”

“What? What don't you know?”

“If we should do that. I mean, if you wanna go, you go ahead. I might go hang out in the library.”

“Girl, would you come on. Forget the haters.”

Reluctantly, I went into the lunch room and stood in line. I felt like all eyes were on me as soon as I walked in. I could see some people staring and pointing as I fixed my tray and we walked toward one of the tables.

“This shit is crazy,” I said to Naja. “Like for real, none of them even know the truth about what's going on. It's like I'm dating Usher or some shit. I think I know how Maneka feels.”

Naja snickered. “You're nothing like Maneka, so please.”

I laughed. “Maybe I should call Haneef and have him go on TV and defend me, like Usher did.”

“Yeah, and look stupid. But anyway, when's the last time you heard from Haneef?”

“He calls me at least a hundred times a day, but I haven't answered the phone.”

“Why?” She looked confused.

“Because I've been thinking about breaking up with him.”

“Are you serious? Because of this stuff?”

“Yeah…it's too much. The reporters, people all in my business, and all the lies.”

“Excuse you, Elite, but you started the lies. He didn't.”

“She's always lying from what I hear,” floated over my shoulder and into my conversation. I turned around and it was Ciera—and if it wasn't for the baby in her stomach, I would've jabbed her. “You better go 'head, Ciera.”

“You don't tell me what to do.”

“That's right,” Jahaad said as he walked over. “You don't tell my wifey what she better do.”

Ciera blushed and I snapped, “I didn't tell her what she better do, but I'ma tell you that you better get the hell out my face!”

“Or what, Elite?” Jahaad said as if he were daring me.

“Or I'ma catch you in it!” I snapped my neck as Naja stood beside me like a soldier, ready to attack.

“And then I'ma follow up,” she said.

“Man, please,” Jahaad spat and waved his hand. “Elite, you must not remember who you talking to. You know I know your mother has always been on drugs, and that you ain't never been all that you thought you were. And now because you dating some played-out rap dude, you think you all that and a bag of chips, but I can't tell with your life blowing up in the papers every day.”

“Tell her ass, baby,” Ciera spat.

“Tell me what?” I pointed my finger in their face. “You 'spose to be thugged out, but right now you sounding like a li'l girl. My six-year-old brother got more heart than you. You're a joke! What, you looking for me to laugh in your face? Psst, mofo, please. Both y'all look stupid. A set of damn creeps and losers. No wonder you two got together. What, you think,” I pointed to Ciera, “that you accomplished something by being with this dude? He's ridiculous, and he's mad because he knows I know how long he's really been played.”

“You just saying that because you tryna get back with me.”

“Boy, please, who you talking to? We both know that's nowhere near true. You know I don't want you and never have, and then you with this chick. Spare me. You're nothing. Listen to your names together: Jahaad and Ciera. Hell, it sounds like trash.”

“I can't believe you said that!” Ciera barked.

“Whatever—” I gave Naja a fist bump—“either go hard or go home. Otherwise, you being in my face is wasted space. So, my suggestion to you is to bounce.”

Naja hunched her shoulders and flicked her hands. “Guess she told yo' ass.”

“You lucky I'm pregnant,” Ciera spat. “Otherwise, it would be on.”

“Well, come see me when you're not so I can kick your ass and get this over with.”

The entire cafeteria was laughing and shaking their heads as Jahaad and Ciera walked away, talking trash. But whatever, as long as they kept it movin', I didn't care what they said. “You wanna leave?” Naja asked, pointing to the clock. “It's not that much time left.”

“No, we gon' finish our lunch,” I insisted. “I'm gettin' a little tired of runnin'. Hmph, I go to school here, too.”

After lunch, Naja and I went back to class and although there were a few whispers and fingers pointing, I tried my best to ignore them. I had other things to worry about, like when I was going to see Mica and the twins again, when Ny'eem was getting out of jail, getting a job, and what I was going to do about my relationship with Haneef.

Once the school day ended, Naja and I walked to the bus stop together. “Elite!” I heard someone yell my name and when I looked up, it was Haneef, leaning against the back door of his Hummer. “Come here.”

I sucked my teeth. “Naja, go tell him I'm not coming.”

“Nope,” she said as the oncoming bus came. “You need to talk to him and I'm going home, so I'll see you then. Bye.” She smiled and waved.

I watched as Naja dropped her change in the money collector and the bus doors closed. I stood there and sighed as the bus rode away and I was left there staring at Haneef, who melted my resistance every time I saw him.

“All I wanna know is what did I do?” Haneef asked.

I looked at him surprised. I couldn't believe he was asking me what he did? He didn't do anything. It was me who lied and made up this stupid ass life that was blowing up in my face. Me, not him. He was always honest. I was the one who lied about everything. He was perfect…and I was…a mess. I walked over to where he was, and into his embrace.

“I know it's not easy being with me. The reporters and the nasty rumors on top of everything you're going through at home. But, Elite, you're too special for me to just bounce and let you push me away.”

“But, Haneef,” I sniffed.

“I'm not walking away, Elite. No matter what you say, you can forget about it.”

“But I'm like…bad for your image.”

“That's not your concern. Now can we get in the car and talk about this?”

“Yes.”

As the driver pulled off into traffic, Haneef pushed a button and the black-tinted divider came up and gave us more privacy. “Why haven't you been returning any of my calls?”

“Because,” I said, “I just didn't know what to say. My life is a mess. You know, my brother is in jail and my sisters and brother—” Tears trembled in my throat.

“Are where?”

“In foster care. And my job, I lost it.”

“What?” he said in shock.

“Didn't you read it in the paper?”

“I saw some of it, but honestly I try not to read that garbage too much. In this business, you have to have thick skin.”

“I guess, but my life is a mess and I feel lost.” I intentionally left out the details of why I was fired. I was too embarrassed to admit what I'd done.

“Li'l Ma, you don't have to deal with this alone. Have you spoken to your mother?”

“Barely. She tried to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. She claims she's going to be getting help.”

“Look, this isn't the end of the world. Things can change.”

“You think so?”

“Yes.”

“But how do you know.”

“Because when I was a kid, I went through the same things.”

Track 24

I
woke up the next morning with the sun in my face and the determination to never cry or feel sorry for myself again. I've known it forever: nothing changed through moaning and complaining. And yeah, for a hot minute, I was slippin', but I was cool. Enough was enough. It had been three weeks since my life had fallen apart, yet somehow and someway, I had to put it back together.

I stretched my arms toward the ceiling and as I sat up in bed, my cell phone rang. “Hello?”

“What's good, Li'l Ma?”

I looked at the clock: seven a.m. Then I looked at Naja, who was still sleeping, as I flipped my phone open. “You have no regard for time, do you?” I know Haneef could hear me smiling as I let out a slight giggle.

“Time?” he said as if he were playfully surprised. “What's that? I don't think I've ever heard of time.” He laughed.

“You are so silly.”

“Yeah, and you love it.”

“Whatever, Big Head.” I cracked up.

“Look at you trying to sound like your old self again.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I'm determined not to feel sorry for myself anymore. To hell with this crying and carrying on.”

“Well, Li'l Ma, things happen you know, and sometimes it's okay to get down, as long as you don't stay down.”

“My point exactly.”

“Besides, you're way too pretty to be all upset.”

I blushed. “Haneef,” I whined a bit. “Would you stop?”

“You know you don't want me to stop.”

I blushed again. “Anyway, so what are you doing today?” I said, changing the subject.

“I have to fly to L.A. The awards are tonight.”

“Oh, that's right. So are you performing?”

“Yeah, and I wish you could be there.”

“I could come with you if you want me to.”

“Nah, Li'l Ma, that won't do nothing but get me in trouble,” he laughed. “Plus, it's a lot of last minute stuff I have to finish up.”

“Oh,” I said as I tried to hide my disappointment.

“But next year, baby. I promise.”

“It's cool. I may go out with Naja and her family tonight anyway.”

“Oh, that'd be great!” he said, a little too excited. “I think you should go.”

“Oh…kay…you can calm down. You're awfully excited to not have me there with you.”

“What? You know it ain't even like that. It's just some business I need to take care of. Strictly business,” he said as if he could sense how I felt. “It's work, baby, nothing else.”

“Alright, Haneef. I understand. How long will you be away?”

“Two days, and then I'm back here in your arms.”

I was smiling so hard and so wide my cheeks started to ache. “I'll be waiting.”

“You better be. You gon' miss me?” he asked seriously.

“Like crazy.”

“Alright. Well give it to me.”

“What?” I laughed.

“My kiss.”

So I smacked my lips loudly into the phone.

“That's what I'm talkin' about.”

“Now give me one.”

“Elite—I'ma grown man, baby. What I look like blowing kisses over the phone?”

“I know you're not telling me no.” I twisted my lips.

“Me? Tell my baby no? Never.”

“Okay, well give it to me.”

He gave me a kiss over the phone and I said, “You wrong for that.”

“What?”

“Did you brush your teeth?”

“Oh no, you didn't,” he laughed. “You're the one just waking up.”

“I'ma miss you, Haneef.” I felt my heart sink into my chest.

“I'll be back, Li'l Ma, and when I come, I'ma come scoop you.”

“Alright.”

“Alright…”

We both paused, and I held on to the phone. “Hmmmm, okay baby, you hang up first,” I insisted.

“Nah, I can't. You hang up. I don't like hanging up on you. You go first.”

“No, you first. Hang up.”

“Oh…my…God…” Naja lifted her head from the pillow. “What are y'all, dumb and dumber? The phone doesn't hang up like that. You have to physically do it. Just place it on the receiver and you'll disconnect the call. It works wonders.”

“Shut up,” I mouthed at her. “Hater.”

She waved her hand dismissively at me and turned back over to sleep.

“Haneef,” I said, “I'ma miss you. Call me every day.”

“I will. You know I will. Now I have a plane to catch, so we're going to have to hang up.”

“Okay, on the count of three.”

We counted together, “One…two…three.”

I held on to see if he really hung up and when I could still hear him breathing, I whispered, “Come get me as soon as you get back.”

“I will,” he whispered back. “I love you, Elite.”

I paused. “What?” Maybe I heard him wrong.

“I love you,” he said again. “Don't let nothing question that.”

“I love you, too.” And we both counted to three again and hung up.

“You two,” Naja turned back over toward me, “are crazy. I really don't understand how you don't know how to use the phone. I could've showed you that, Elite.”

“Naja, it wasn't like that. Haven't you ever not been able to hang up on your boyfriend?”

“No. Whenever I had one, he would say bye, I would say bye, and then I would never hear from him again.”

“I wonder why?” I mumbled.

“What you say?”

“Nothing.” I threw the covers off me and eased out of bed.

“Where are you going?”

“To find my mother. I need to talk to her.”

“That's good, Elite. You think you'll find her?”

“I hope so.”

“Well, if you do, invite her out to the movies with us.”

“I didn't know we were going to a movie.”

“Yeah, it's Mom-Mom's birthday. We take her to the movies once a year and it makes her think she's having a family reunion.”

I shook my head. Naja's whole family was crazy. They were the nicest people I knew, but they were nuts. “Y'all ain't right.”

“No,” Naja shook her head. “You know our last name is Jones.”

That was it. I'd heard enough. I gathered my clothes for the day, showered, dressed, told Naja bye, gave her mother a kiss on the cheek and told her I'd be back, and headed out the door.

I walked down the block toward my building and hoped my mother was there. As I approached the stoop, I saw Gary sitting on the bottom step with a lit cigarette shaking from the corner of his lips.

“Hey, Lee-Lee.”

He couldn't have expected me to speak. I walked right past him and directly into the building. I did not have time for his foolishness. Once I reached our apartment, I put my key in the lock and walked in. At first I felt eerie as memories flooded my mind and clogged my throat, creating an iron fist inside me. I did what I could to shake it off as I walked through the rooms, but saw no sign of my mother. It didn't seem as if she'd been there in days.

I hated that I felt tears creep into my eyes, placing me in direct opposition to my newly declared constitution, but I did what I could to hold them back. I reared my shoulders back, walked out of the apartment, and locked the door. I wanted to break down, but how could I? Hadn't I asked for this? I did tell my Ma to go away…and maybe…just maybe…she took my advice. As I walked down the hall, I knew my tears wouldn't be staying at bay. And it didn't take long before I felt them leaving my eyes and easing down my cheeks. I wiped my face and bumped directly into Gary.

“Dang, Gary, watch where you going!”

“My bad.”

He was so played.
“Gary, have you seen my mother?”

“I…” he said as he paused and sniffed, “I…” He tried to speak again, and if I wasn't mistaken, he looked to be a few seconds from breaking down and crying. “I lost her…” he bellowed. “Lord have mercy, she played me out.”

“Played you out?”

“She left me.”

A smile lit up my face. “Where'd she go?”

“You smiling, Elite?” he said, taken aback. “You just laughing all up in my face, huh?”

“No—” I shook my head. “No, not at all.”

“I can't believe this. My heartbreak is a joke to you? You never did like me. I'ma good man, Elite, and I loved yo' mama.”

“Gary, I'm sure that somewhere, maybe in like the middle of the South African safari, you are a good man.”

“Well, I'm glad you recognize that.”

“Yeah…me, too, but where is my mother?”

“If I had my way, she'd be walking down the aisle with me, saying ‘I do.'”

That thought was just nasty! “Okay…but where is she now, at this moment?”

“Beth Israel Hospital, in rehab. And you know, I asked her if I could go, and do you know what she said to me?” he said, answering his own question. “She said, ‘Hell, no!' Not just ‘no' but, ‘Hell, no!' Like that get-out-my-face-you-played-out-fool kinda no. That stop-beggin'-me-for-two-dollars type no.”

I tried to stop cheesin', but I couldn't help it much. “Why'd she tell you that?” I asked, trying to sound sincere.

“Because I told her Beth Israel Hospital sounded nice. Sounded real nice. Like some place real fancy and distinguished. You know, a good night's sleep on some nice white sheets and three full meals a day. Meet some new people and everything, you know what I mean? I even told her maybe we would see some people we knew and she told me—” he started to break down and cry—“hell no, she wasn't going on vacation.”

“I guess that really hurt you, huh?”

“Tore me down, Elite. Tore me straight up and down to the ground down. Now what—what—Elite—what I'ma gon' do?”

“Go get some help, Gary.” I couldn't believe I was saying that. “Clean yourself up, get a job, and be determined to be about something.”

But I didn't say, ‘and then come back for my mother.' And that was because I wanted this bum ass loser gone. I wanted to say good-bye, give him a salute, and send him on his way. “Take care, Gary.” I patted him on the shoulder.

“Thanks, Elite. Thanks for wishing me well.”

“Uhmm hmmm, anytime.” I practically skipped away.

As I walked away from the building, I started thinking about everything that had been happening. I went in my purse and pulled out the social worker's card—I needed to see my sisters and brothers. I was sure she didn't work on the weekends, so I knew I'd have to leave her a message. The phone rang twice but to my surprise, she answered. “Hello, this is Mrs. Jameson.”

“Hi, Mrs. Jameson…” I hesitated. “This is Elite.”

“Hi, Elite. I was going to call you today.”

“I didn't expect you to be in the office.”

“Yes, sometimes I work on Saturdays. And I was thinking about you because I want to set up a visit for you and your siblings.”

“Wow.” I'm sure she could hear me smiling. “That's what I wanted to ask you. I miss them so much.”

“And they miss you, too.”

“Mrs. Jameson, did you know my mother was in rehab?”

“Oh, yes!” she said excited. “She started almost two weeks ago, and from what the program tells me, she's doing very well!”

“Do you know how long she'll be in there?” I asked.

“She'll be in the hospital for ninety days, and then she'll begin an outpatient program.”

“Can I see her?”

“Not until she's released from the hospital.”

I sighed. “That long?”

“It's not that long,” she said. “But you do know, Elite, rehabilitation is life-long.”

“Yes, I know.”

“And drug abuse doesn't just affect and change a family, rehabilitation does, too. So when you see your mom again, she will be a changed person.”

“Do you think…you know, that she'll really do it?”

“Yes, I think so. But ultimately it is up to your mom.”

“True.”

“But I also think that she loves you all very much, and can't wait to have you back home.”

“I can't wait to be back home.”

“And hopefully that will be soon,” she said with a tone of reassurance. “Now, let me contact the foster parent and let her know I want to schedule a visit with your siblings. I'll call you in a few weeks, okay?”