All Falls Down (38 page)

It's too late for that. I already blame myself. Part of me already hates myself for it.

"It's not your choice to make," I mumble.

"The hell it isn't!" His voice is hard, angry, his expression severe. Fury blazes in his jade eyes, burning me.

I'm not afraid of him, but I can't help but take another little step backward. The urge to get out of the way is ingrained in me now, too strong to ignore. And I want to ignore it. I so badly want to keep from flinching when he raises his voice, but I can't.

Jared freezes. Pain washes through his eyes.

"I'm not going to hurt you, beautiful girl. I'd never do to you what he did. Why can't you believe that?" He sounds broken again. Like I broke him again. And that look in his eye – Oh, God, that look. It's so fucking
sad
.

It wrecks me, rips me wide open, and unmakes me.

I can't stay away from him anymore.

"Jared," I sob, flinging myself at him.

He catches me when I slam into his chest, pulling me into him and holding me tight. I sob in his arms, my entire body shaking. He rocks us back and forth, and I'm not sure, but I think maybe he's crying, too.

He whispers my name over and over.

Each one tears at my heart. Reminds me why I can't stay with him.

"I have to go," I cry into his chest.

"No," he says.

No matter how many times I tell him I have to leave, that this is my fault, his answer is the same: No. No. No. He simply can't or won't accept anything else. Every part of me wants to give in and tell him I'll stay, but I can't do that. This time, I don't get to be selfish.

He's in hell because of me. The girls are in hell because of me.

That reminder lends me the strength to stop crying. I stay in his arms for a moment, trying to memorize the way they feel around me. The gentle way he holds me, like I'm priceless and fragile. And the way his heart pounds beneath my ear. The strength of his body against mine, and the way I tingle everywhere we touch. How he smells of rain and brandy and cinnamon and home and safety. And the way he makes me feel calmer and braver. I'm a better person when I'm with him. A stronger person because of him.

I love him. God, I love him.

Why can't I keep him?

I gather the willpower and pull away.

He lets me go reluctantly.

For long moments, we stand there facing each other.

Misery is stamped across his face. Pain dulls the beautiful jade color of his eyes. He's so sad – I've broken his heart.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"I don't want you to do this."

"I have to."

He starts to shake his head, and then I notice Lexi standing in the doorway, watching us. She's in rough shape, worse than anyone else. The haunted look on her face – like she barely recognizes me – hurts. I want to apologize to her, but I don’t even know where to begin. How do you apologize for ruining someone's life? For stealing the man she loves? For almost getting a child killed?

"I just found you, beautiful girl," Jared whispers, pulling my attention away from her. "How am I supposed to let you walk away now?"

"Because she asked you to," Lexi says before I can answer.

Jared spins to face her.

She steps into the room, her eyes still locked on me.

I drop my gaze, stare at the floor.

"Lexi–"

"No, Jared," she says, and she's angry. She's so angry, I feel as if a whip snaps against my skin with every word she says. "Mad could have died yesterday, do you not understand that?"

"Of course I–"

She cuts him off again. "I tried to stay out of it and let you do this your way. I know how much you care about Savannah, but you promised me you'd keep the girls safe. And they aren't safe. No one is!"

"It's my fault," I mumble, glancing up.

Lexi stands across from Jared, her arms crossed.

"No, it isn't." Jared says, turning to face me. "I'm the one that fucked up, not you."

"I distracted you. That's why–" I have to force myself to say the words out loud again. Tears blur my vision. "That's why Maddi got hurt. Because you were with me instead of protecting them."

He shakes his head, trying to deny the truth. But I think he knows he can't.

"We can't be together anymore, Jared." The words hurt so much… but I keep on. "It's not right. Lexi and the girls need you, and all I do is get in your way. You're so focused on me you can't do what you need to do. You can't be with me and take care of them, too."

"That's not true." He whips his head around to face Lexi. "Tell her that's not true."

"Don't put her in the middle, please."

"She's already in the middle!"

"Because we put her there," I whisper. "Her little sister – a child – almost died because of us, Jared. I can't do this with you anymore. I don't
want
to do it anymore. I want out."

He's going to keep arguing. It's written all over his face. He's going to dig his heels in and refuse to listen to me. Refuse to let me go. Tears burn in the back of my throat again, choking me. I catch Lexi's attention, pleading with her silently to help me. She can make him listen, make him let me go.

He
has
to let me go.

"You have to choose," she says to him. And her voice is so hard, like stone.

I don't blame her for it.

How can I?

"Lex–"

"You have to choose, Jared." Her blue eyes flash with hurt and anger. She points a finger at him, practically poking him in the chest. "You can't have both."

"Lex, please –" he tries to break in when a sob escapes my throat.

She's right. I know she is. He can't have both anymore. But hearing it from her hurts like hell. I cover my mouth with my hand as he stares at me, torment in his gaze, as if he knows this too. Every part of me screams for him to put his arms around me again, to lend me some of his strength and ease us both. I want to beg him to choose me… but I can't and I know that.

I have no place here. I never did.

"Don't 'Lex, please' me!" she snaps at him, actually poking him in the chest with one long, manicured finger this time. "You made a promise to me, Jared. To my sisters. Does that mean nothing to you?"

"Of course it means something to me, dammit!" he snaps right back at her, though his eyes never leave me. He's begging me silently to understand.

I want to tell him I do, but I say nothing. I'm not sure what will come out of my mouth if I open it.

"Then this has to stop now! You have to let her go, Jared."

Another sob rips from my chest when his shoulders slump, defeat and misery washing through cool green jade.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and my heart breaks. "I'm so sorry."

I don't know if he's talking to me or to her or to himself, but he looks so fucking broken, I can't breathe. I sink down onto the bed, my hands clenched so hard they hurt. A scream builds in my throat, but I choke it down. I don't get to have a meltdown now, not when this is my doing.
I
made this happen.

Lexi gazes at me, sympathy and regret welling in her blue eyes.

I reach up to unclasp the chain around my neck. My hands tremble and shake. I hold the chain out to Jared. His ring gleams in the light. I want to snatch it back, put it back around my neck, but I don't. He stands there for a long moment, looking like he's burning.

Finally, he reaches out and wraps his hand around mine. When he lets go again, his ring is in his hands and tears shine in his eyes. "I love you," he whispers to me.

And then he turns and walks away.

My world crashes to the ground at my feet, shattered into a million little pieces.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Stay with Me

Dawn creeps over the horizon when I make my way up the stairs at the mansion. My heart is made of lead. My eyes are red-rimmed and swollen where I've spent the last who knows how many hours crying. Everything hurts from my head to my toes. My bags are packed and waiting outside with Kit. But I want to see Maddi before I leave.

Lexi's waiting for me at the top of the stairs, her head down as if the load she's carrying is crushing her as much as mine crushes me. Guilt shines in her blue eyes. I want to tell her that it's okay and that I get it – she didn't ask me to leave, I made that choice myself. She has nothing to feel guilty for… and yet I don't tell her that. Because some horrible, childish part of me resents her even though this isn't her fault. Some part of me hates that she gets to keep Jared. And some part of me never even understood why he chose me over her in the first place.

She's beautiful. Intelligent. Caring. Successful. His perfect match.

And I'm just me. Just scars and insecurities – a dull brown lump next to a Barbie doll.

"Thank you for letting me say goodbye," I whisper to her when I reach the top of the stairs.

She opens her mouth and then closes it, frowning.

"I'll be quick." I slip into Madeline's room before she can answer me.

A nightlight shines from the connected bathroom, and early morning sunlight filters into the room. Everything is soft and pink. Justin Bieber's face stares back at me from everywhere, reminding me of how I sat with Maddi after the funeral. It's barely been two months, but so much has happened since then.

And Maddi… sweet Maddi.

Her pink and brown comforter is pulled to her chin. Her long lashes rest against her cheeks. Her face is slackened from the heavy drugs pumping through her fragile system. And she's so banged up. There are scratches across her little face. A huge bandage wraps around her head, hiding those beautiful blonde ringlets. Her cheek is bruised. Her broken arm rests on top of the blankets, covered in a hot pink cast.

Tears spring to my eyes as I stare at her. She looks so bad – and it's my fault.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper, lifting my hand to stroke her cheek, but she's so bruised I don't know where to touch her without hurting her. I drop my hand instead and squat beside the bed.

She mumbles something in her sleep, so softly I can't catch the words.

"I love you, Maddi," I tell her, leaning over to kiss her.

She moans when my lips meet her forehead.

I jerk back, afraid I've hurt her.

"Daddy," she mumbles… and I realize she's not moaning because of me. She's crying for Matthew. A tear trickles down her cheek before disappearing into the bandage covering her head.

That makes me angry.

How could someone put such a sweet child through all of this? She's only eleven, and someone's stolen her father from her. Stolen her sense of safety. Her peace and security.

In what world is that fair?

"I'm sorry," I whisper to her again before rising to my feet.

I stare at her for a long time, and it helps. I still don't want to go. My heart is mangled, completely ruined, but seeing her reminds me of why leaving is the right thing to do. She needs Jared to keep her safe, to make sure this never happens again and she doesn't lose anyone else she loves. Not even the selfish, childish part of myself wants to stand in the way of that.

After a few minutes, I slip back out of her room, pulling the door closed behind me. My gaze darts toward Jared's door, but it's closed tight. That's probably for the best. I'm not sure I have it in me to tell him goodbye again.

Lexi still stands at the top of the stairs. She watches me with this solemn expression on her face. I try to smile at her to let her know everything's okay, but it wobbles on my face and falls.

"Take care of her," I say.

She nods.

I can't think of anything else to say, so I start for the stairs.

"Wait."

I stop.

"Do you hate me?" she asks when I turn back around to face her.

"I–" The words won't come so I shake my head.

"This is your home too, you know?" She swipes at her eyes like she expects to find tears there, but there aren't any. Maybe she's finally run out of them. "You're part of our family, too. I don't want you to feel as if you have to leave or that I don't want you here, because that's not true."

"I know, but I think I have to go anyway."

"I wish you didn't," she whispers. "Making him choose wasn't fair."

"You did what you had to do. I don't blame you for that, Lexi." I take a deep breath. "Just… take care of him for me. Make sure he knows – make sure he knows what happened wasn't his fault. And make sure… make sure he's happy, okay?" That's all I want. For Jared to be happy. Even if it's not with me, I want him to be happy. He deserves that much.

I turn to start down the stairs again when she reaches out and grabs my arm.

"Promise me you'll come home when this is over," she says.

And I want to promise her. I so desperately want to tell her that I'll be back… but I don't belong here. I never have.