Authors: Andrew Kaufman

Born Weird (25 page)

BOOK: Born Weird

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The Weird siblings watched it fall. It fell with impossible slowness. Then it hit the frozen surface of the water. The crumpled front end cracked through the ice. The car bobbled three times. It fell flat. And then it floated.

“No way,” Lucy said.

“No
fucking
way,” Kent said.

“Right to the end,” Abba said.

“I did not see this coming,” Richard said.

“Just wait,” Angie said.

They all held their breaths. The car slowly began to sink. When it was completely submerged, they all breathed out.
Sixteen hours after they sent the Maserati over the cliffs of Shell Cove, two years, nine months and two days after the death of the Shark, and thirteen years after Kent scored his first and only touchdown, they stood in front of the departures board at the Halifax Stanfield International Airport. The rental car had been returned. The information on the board hadn’t changed for several minutes. Yet they continued to stare at it.

The board announced many flights. One to Vancouver departed in ninety minutes. Another left for Montreal in two hours. There was a direct flight to Toronto, where there’d be flights to Upliffta. But no tickets had been purchased. All five of them stood there. They stared at the board. Then the destinations shuffled downwards. A new flight appeared at the top. It announced flight AC468, to Winnipeg, Manitoba, which left in three hours.

All of them saw it. And all of them gasped. They shuffled closer together. They took each other’s hands. They looked down from the board and then at each other.

“The winter there isn’t nearly as bad as they say,” Lucy said.

“I have nothing waiting for me in Montreal,” Richard said.

“Upliffta has no queen,” Abba said.

“I can tell Paul and Paulette to meet us there,” Angie said.

“I can’t go back to Palmerston Boulevard,” Kent said.

They said nothing more. Single file, they walked to the ticket counter. As they stood in line Angie imagined buying
a big house in a residential neighbourhood. The street would be tree-lined. The house would be old. It would occupy a corner lot. They’d move their mother in with them. They’d take care of her together. They wouldn’t let her cut their hair. When she and Paul had a second kid, they’d buy the house beside it. And then as her brothers and sisters became mothers and fathers, and uncles and aunts, they would buy more houses on the street. They’d own every one, on both sides, at the end of their block. Their children would spill out onto the sidewalks, riding bicycles and accidentally breaking windows. A new generation of Weirds, loving each other and being loved. Weirdly being Weird and weirdly doing well.

This is exactly what happened.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The author wishes to acknowledge that
Born Weird
would not and could not have been written without …

Rolly Kaufman, Shirley Kaufman and Liz Kaufman—who are nothing like the Weirds.

Barry Miazga and Karen Miazga—who are also nothing like the Weirds.

Phoenix and Frida.

The brilliant insight and editorial compassion of Pamela Murray. RIP Veronica.

The foolhardy belief of Sam Hiyate.

The inexplicable affection of Scott Pack.

The incalculable contributions of Zach Picard, Ian Cauthery, Stephanie Domet, Angelika Glover and Stacey Cameron.

The financial assistance of The Canada Council for the Arts, Lamport-Sheppard Productions and New Road Media.

The infinite patience and indestructible honesty of Marlo Miazga. The best story I’ve ever read is the one we’re living.

About the Author

ANDREW KAUFMAN is the author of
All My Friends Are Superheroes, The Tiny Wife
and
The Waterproof Bible
. He was born in Wingham, Ontario, the birthplace of Alice Munro, making him the second-best writer from a town of 3,000. His work has been published in eleven countries and translated into nine languages. He is also an accomplished screenwriter and lives in Toronto with his wife and their two children.

By the same author

All My Friends are Superheroes

The Waterproof Bible

The Tiny Wife

Copyright

The Friday Project

An imprint of HarperCollins

77-85 Fulham Palace Road

Hammersmith, London W6 8JB

www.harpercollins.co.uk

First published in Great Britain by The Friday Project in 2013

Andrew Kaufman asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

Source ISBN: 9780007441402

Ebook Edition © January 2013 ISBN: 9780007441402

Version 1

FIRST EDITION

Images by Leah Springate

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