Come Sit By Me (11 page)

Xcept I wuld have had to strangel her and shes to fatt.

Feb 1

I thot about killing Dona so mutch that I couldnt sleap last night. But realy, thinking about it today, I wunder if I realy wuld kill her. If I had the chance.

Is is hard to kill sumboddy? I dont no ennyboddy who actuly did it. And its not lyke sexx, becaz peepol dont evven claym they did it. Peepol kill byrds, dears, rakoons, annimals like that. But killing a person wuld be harder.

Why is that, realy? First of all, you wuld get punnished if you were caut. Thats the bigest thing. Isnt it? Realy? Thats why they have to have laws, so peepol dont go arownd killing enybody they dont like.

But if you hayted sumboddy bad enuf, you mite not kair about geting punnished. Do I hayt Dona that much?

It mite be harrder than you think. It looks eazy on tv and the movvies wair they blo up peepol or have these imense guns that just blo evvrybody away. I dont have enny boms or guns.

I culd get sum. A gun, ennyway. Thair are plennty of playces wair you culd get a gun. But you need muny, and you have to be ayteen. Probaly you wouldnt actualy have to be ayteen. The guy in the store out on the hiway has a bilboard out in front where he posts mesajes that he rites. He hates laws aginst guns, you can tell that from his messajes. He hates liberls a lott to.

Feb 3

I was reeding sum of that buk at lunch. Almost evrybuddy else had gon owtsyd. Then I noatised that the red-heded girl was stil thair to. I maid myself get up and go over. But I just stud thair until she notised me. She kind of had to say sumthing. I showd her I had the saym buk. We talked abowt it and I told her abowt Gram. But she didnt understand, not reely. I asked her if we culd disscus the buk, but that was stoopid. Stoopid. Stoopid. Stoopid. Of coarse she wuldnt discus a buk with sumbudy like me. I gess she thinks it wuld be lyk talking to a dog.

Feb 5

I was siting in the luntchroom by myself again (surpries). Dona was by herself to. Her bak was turned. I pretended to aym a gun at her and shoot it. Using my finger, like sum dumm kid. Bang bang. It wasnt reel. I wunder what it wuld feel lyke if it was reel.

Sumbuddy must hav seen me ayming my finger at Dona. They put a noat inside my desk in math class.

It sed YOU SHOULD USE A REAL GUN.

I looked arownd to see who was waching me. But nobuddy was.

Feb 6

Its kind of creapy to think that sumboddy is waching me. I asked Seese if it was him who put the noat in my desk, but he sed no. I made him sware it wasnt. So I got to be kairful what Im doing now. Peepol spie on you all the time. Even wen your on the commputer. They say sumboddy can steel your identitty if your not kairful. Thats kind of a laff tho. Who wuld want my identitty?

When Im not writting these thots, I put the thum dryve in a sayf playce. Insyde wun of my old sneekers. It smels, so my mother wuld nevver tuch it.

When Im at scool, I put it in my pants poket.

Feb 7

Sumboddy sent me a nuther note. It was tayped to my loker door.

It sed EMAIL ME AT [email protected]

I put it in my poket rite away so nobuddy wuld see.

I went home and thot a long time. I wished Gram was stil alyve so I culd ask her what to do. I new if I told my parrents, theyd just call the pollise. I didnt need the pollise.

Feb 9

I red sum more of the angell book last nite. That put me to sleap. When I woke up, I sent a email to patrot0000.

I sed dont mayk funn of me.

Feb 10

This morning I had a mesage on my email.

I culd see that it was from PATROT0000. I was afrayd to open it, becaz I thot they were mayking funn of me.

But nothing hapened at scool, so when I got home I opened it. It sed

I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF YOU. WE COULD BE FRIENDS.

I no their mayking funn of me.

I didnt rite back.

Feb 11

Im verry nervus at scool now. I keap turrning arown to see if enyboddy is waching me. Sum black kid named Markus saw me duing that and sed What are you looking for retarrd? I got mad and told him not to cal me a retarrd. He sed I was a retarrd and hed call me wun enytime he wanted. I called him a niger then. So he puntched me and even tho hes big I puntched him back. Al of a suden peepol sircled arown to wach us fite. I wuld probaly goten killd xcept the footbal coch broak it up. Then Markus told him Id called him a niger, and the coch sent me to Miz Brenans ofise.

Miz Brenan balled me out and gave me a lekchur on hate speach. I told her that Markus had caled me a retarrd, but she sed that was not as bad as caling him a niger. I dont no why not. I think thats hate speach to.

Miz Brenan sent me to the libary to rite a paje teling why hate speach was wrong. While I was thair, the bich librain came over and told me I had to retern that book. She asked me if I had it in my loker. It reely was, but I told her it was at hoam. Then she asked me if I lost it. I shold of told her yes, but I sed I prommised my Gram that I wuld finnish it. She sed Gram shuld bye me a book of my own. I told her Gram was dead and then I starrted yeling at her, so she sent me back to Miz Brenans offis.

Feb 12

Miz Brenan sayd I had to go to the cownseler. Her name is Miz Littel. She pretens to be nyce to me, but all the time shes riting down noats. I bet if I saw the noats Id see that she thot I was crazy and retarrded. She told me I had to work on my angar mannajemant. I told her Markus called me a retarrd and she sed names canot hurt me. I sayd so why was it bad to call Markus a niger. She sed becaz of slayvery and sensitivvity. I sed I never called Markus a slayv. She told me to work on it and come see her agin nex weak.

I was reeding sum more of that Angell book and I noatised that the awthor uses the word niger. How come nobody akyuzed him of hate speach?

Feb 14

I got an email from patrot0000. It sed

I HEAR YOU CALLED MARCUS A NIGER. YOU GOT BALLS.

I rote back

I'm not sposed to do it again. Miz Brenan sed I could be susspendid.

And he rote back

THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF MARCUS.

I rote back

What other ways?

He rote back

KILL THE BASTARD.

I didnt want ennyboddy to see that, so I errased it and loged of.

But I thot abowt it.

Feb 15

Markus is in my soshul studdies clas. Hes not mutch smarter than I am, reely. But the teecher lykes him and nevver trys to make him look stuppid. I sat rite behind him and looked at the back of his hed. I thout abowt what it wuld be lyke to put a bulet in it. But I didnt actuly due it. Maybe thats angar mannajemant.

Or maybee it was just becaz I didnt have a gun.

I got anuther mesaje from patrot0000. I didnt want to open it, but I culdnt help mysellf. It sed I SAW YOU LOOKING AT MARCUS. YOU WANTED TO KILL HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

I erased it rite away and didnt replie.

When I got home, thair was annother mesaje. It sed

YOU'VE GOT TO TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO DO IT

I sent back

Are you makking funn of me

He sed

NO I'M JUST LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WITH THE BALLS TO DO IT

I didnt replie, but I kept thinking abowt it a lott.

Feb 16

I had to meet with the cownsoler Miz Littel today. It was nuthink speshul, but it got me owt of math clas. She askd me how my angar mannajemant was goyng. I sed fine and I hadnt called ennyboddy a niger again. She was hapy and made a noat. I wunder what she wuld think if I told her abowt the emails Ive bin geting. But I was to smart to tel her abowt thoas. Id be susspendid for sure. Maybe expeled.

At luntch, I got annother email

DID YOU TELL MS LITTLE ABOUT EMAILING ME? YOU BETER NOT

I sent back

I didnt tell her ennything abowt your emails

But I new he was still waching me. He must be in my math clas.

Feb 18

Last nite I got to the part of Look Hoamword Angell that Gram probaly wanted me to reed. Im goyng to copy it owt here so I dont forgett it.

It was rite after the heros brother Ben dies.

It sayd

We can believe in the nothingness of life, we can believe in the nothingness of death and of life after death, but who can believe in the nothingness of Ben?

I red that over lots of times now and I think I get it. If peepol rememmber you, you dont reely die. So as long as I rememmber Gram shell be allive. Shell be reel.

But wair is she now?

Wairever she is they cant hert her.

They cant hert you when your ded.

Feb 20

My parents got a noat from the scool teling them that I had been sent for cownsoling. Its a legel rekwiremant. My muther was mad and sed it was becuz I hung out with peepul like Seese. My father was mad to, but he seemed more mad at the scool. Caleb duznt nead cownsoling, he told my muther. He neads sum dissiplan.

And to me he sed Youv got to shayp up or ship owt. Stop whinning abowt things and bukle down.

He lykes to say things lyke that. Their sort of his rules for lyfe. He also says theirs no probblem so dificult you cant solv it.

I got annother mesaje from patrot0000. He thinks its time we met, onley not in scool. I wish I culd ask my father how to solv that probblem. Hed probaly tell me to keep my noas to the gryndstoan. I dont know how that wuld help.

I dont no how to get help.

Feb 23

Evry day patrot0000 keaps wanting to meat in perrson. I wish I culd ask Miz Littel what to due, but shed just maik a noat and tell me to consentrait on angar mannajemant. I wish there was sumboddy in the scool that you culd just go and ask a quesstion and not have them get xsited and put it on your rekord.

Evrywair I go in scool now I think thairs sumboddy looking at me. Waching my evry moove. But I never katch them at it. I got to wach owt.

Feb 25

Miz Littel asked me who my frends were. I told her I didnt have enny. I wuld hav told her abowt Sees but he livs in a trayler park. She wuld think I was dum.

Miz Littel says I shuld work on soshul skils and try to start conversashuns. I sed I didnt no what to talk abowt and she sayd find sumthink of mutyuel intrest. I asked lyke what. She sed find sumthing yer both intersted in. I dont no how to do that withowt talking to peepol, and nobuddy wants to talk to me. I thot of teling Miz Littel abowt the red-heded girl and Dona, but shed probly have me comited.

Tonite I emailed patrot0000 and sed Id meat him at the semmatary on Saterday. Maby hell help me develup my soshul skils.

Feb 28

I road my byke to the semmatary and met patrot0000. I was surprysed to find owt who he realy was in real lyfe. He new that I rite down my thots, and maid me prommise not to put his reel name in my book. Its for sekyuritty, he sed.

He cald me Cale at first untill I told him I was realy Caleb. I onley told that to wun other person, who wuld be my frend xcept he livs in a trayler park.

Me and Patrot tallked abowt the kids at scool that we hayted. He hayts a lot of peepol, evan tho I thot he was poppuler. At furst I thot he was makking funn of me, but he realy duz hayte them. Espeshly the kids who are blak.

So he sed to me, Are we goeing to due sumthing abowt this or just let are scool be run by nigers. I didnt think of that befor. I shuld hav told that to Miz Littel. Ha ha

Patrot had brot a 22 rifel along and showd me how to shoot it. I never shott wun before. It was sort of funn, espeshly when he put old botels on top of toomstoans and we wuld shoot at them and brake them. I pretennded they were Dona and Markus. And then the librain to, wen I thot abowt it.

But wen Patrot started to shoot at the angle, I stoped him. I told him about Gram and that it was her mother who was burried under the angle. It felt gud to be abel to tel sumwon. He didnt laff eether. So I told him abowt the Crapers and how wun of them made Sally Dennis preggnat.

Patrot sed, Do you no who the Crapers reely are? They chanjed theyr name becaz it meens shiter. I sed No I didnt no. He sed they chanjed it to Craft, and the gurl in our clas who is Sharon Craft is reely a Craper. I didnt beleeve it at furst, but he swor it was trew.

Patrot sed I kneaded mor practis with shooting, so we sed wed meat agin. He warnd me not to act lyk I new him at scool, becaz we want to keap our plan a sekrit. I asked him what the plan was and he sed hed let me no when it was tyme.

Mar 2

Its good to no I have a frend, even tho I cant sit at the tabel with him and his other frends. He sed nun of them are as loial as I am. I tryed not to look at him to mutch. Becaz of sekyuritty. I wanted to tell Seese about my new frend, but Patrot sed no. I culdnt be frends with both of them. Seese hasnt been so frendly anyway sinse the bizines with Dona. Ennyway, Patrot is much cooler.

Mar 3

Its easyer to go to scool now that I no that Patrot neads me for a sekret plan. Miz Littel sed my angar manajemant is immpruving.

Mar 7

I culd hardly wate for Saterday. I was thair erly. I wishd I had my own rifel so I culd praktis aloan. Wen I told Patrot that he sed hed help me get wun, but it wuld cost $200. I didnt no wair I culd get that. My parrents wuldnt give it to me, thats for shur.

Patrot sed you got to be wiling to dair big. I didnt no xaktly what that ment. He sed it ment that if my parents have sumthing I culd sell I shuld take it. I sed they had a car, but he sed it shuld be sumthing they wuldnt notis if it was gone. I wasnt too sure I culd do that, but he sed you got to dair big.

We praktissed shooting sum more. Im geting beter at it. Patrot sais we wil be a lot closer to the targetts when we cary owt the plan.

Mar 10

My father has a drawr wair he keeps old coyns. I emailed Patrot and asked if he thot we culd sell those and he sed to look for the gold wuns.

He hardly ever looks in that drawr enyway. I dont even think hed no if wun or to of the coyns was gone. So I tuk to of them.