Deja Vu (17 page)

David was waiting for me, wide awake, when I returned home. I explained to him that I was upset, but I was ready to move on, provided he would give me some breathing room until I could pull myself together.

He, of course, agreed to all the terms.

A week after David’s confession, we all went for the long weekend that Inbal had organized for us. We arrived at the kibbutz and Inbal was already waiting for us on the grass. She had surprises for the kids and was charged with positive energy like a scoutmaster. I, on the other hand, was very tired from a strenuous week at work and was still drained from David’s confession a few days earlier. During the ride, David tried everything to entertain me and make me laugh, which only irritated me more. I wanted to save my ‘everything’s fine’ face for the meeting with Daria and Inbal. I didn’t have the energy or patience to pretend when it was just the two of us.

“You look completely exhausted,” she said when she saw me approach her with Adi. “Perhaps you should give me this little munchkin!” She threw her hands forward, and Adi ran right into her inviting embrace “And go for a nap…”

“Are you crazy?” I said. “You have two small children of your own - you want two more?” The question was rhetorical. I knew she’d like at least one more child, but I also knew she and Asi would soon be expecting again.

She smiled, defeated, and I sat next to her and hugged her. “I'm sure you’ll have at least one more,” I whispered. I wished I had a way to make her believe it.

David allowed me to go to rest and watched the children with Inbal. I watched them from a distance, when I was near our room. They were perfect together, just as they had been in my previous life. For one brief moment, I thought that maybe I shouldn’t leave them alone… maybe the spark would return… but I knew David wouldn’t dare do anything, especially after his confession and request for forgiveness, and Inbal was in love and happy with Asi.

When I woke up, Daria had arrived. We were excited to see each other - long time, no see.

“Where’s Tom?” I asked nervously. My former son was already two months old, and I hadn’t yet seen him yet.

“You haven’t seen him yet!” Daria said reproachfully.

“True,” I smiled a shy smile. Daria probably thought I was embarrassed by the fact that I hadn’t made the effort to visit him yet, but really I was embarrassed that I had to lie again. I’d seen Tom before; his image was firmly etched in my memory.

“You'll have to wait. He and Amir were exhausted. They’re sleeping now.”

Half an hour later, Amir woke up and came out of their room with Tom cradled in his arms. I approached with tentative steps, my heart pounding fit to burst out of my chest.

I was going to see my beloved son again.

Tom was still sleepy. He opened and closed his eyes and sweetly nestled into Amir. I looked at him with love. I had to hold myself back so I wouldn’t cry. I wasn’t an emotional woman, and I knew it would be hard for me to explain why I was so moved, meeting with Tom.

“Do you want to hold him?” Amir asked.

I shook my head. I couldn’t speak. It was a perfect moment that seemed to be cut straight out of my previous life: just me, my husband and our son.

The moment ended when Daria approached us. “Why did you bring him out?” she scolded Amir. “He seems to be completely asleep.”

“He started to cry,” Amir apologized. “Anyway, wouldn’t you rather he sleep later?”

“He’s not at the stage where you limit his sleep, yet,” she said, and grabbed my Tom from his hands in anger and went into their room.

I smiled sheepishly. He returned the sheepish smile.

“He really is a little sweetie,” I finally said.

“Yes,” he smiled with love. “He’s such an easy baby,” he told me what I already knew.

In the evening, after stuffing ourselves at the barbecue that Asi and David organized, we sat happily and laughed like we hadn’t laughed in years. Inbal, Daria and I reminisced about our childhood. That is, Daria and Inbal brought back memories of our childhood, and I retold stories they had told me about our childhood, as if they were my memories. I couldn’t remember anything of what had happened to me before I was sixteen years old. Daria, who was tired from breastfeeding, went to bed first, followed by Inbal and Asi.

Amir, David and I were left. David began to yawn and asked me if I was coming back to our room.

“I'm not really tired,” I said. “I had a nap this afternoon,” I reminded him.

“I'm not tired either,” Amir joined me. He was also rested.

“Well, I'll leave you then.” David said. “You have a key to the room? I like to lock up. Goodnight.” He nodded to Amir.

“Yes,” I said and let him go on his way.

I was alone with my ex-husband. I hadn’t been alone with him even once in my new life.

I was thrilled.

“You want to take a stroll around the kibbutz?” Amir suggested, and I responded positively.

We set out. We left the kibbutz guest house complex. We passed the silent dining room and a deserted kindergarten. Some cats fled in panic as we passed by the slides. I jumped in terror and Amir hugged me briefly in a way that sent pleasant goosebumps down my back. We continued past the barn. The pungent smell made us walk faster, and we reached the edge of the kibbutz. A sign pointed the way to the viewing area for the lake, and Amir asked if I'd like to go there. ”Why not?” I replied, and we set off in the direction of the arrow.

We got up there gasping. The road wasn’t easy, and we hadn’t taken any water with us.

We looked around the place with thirsty eyes until we found an old faucet. I bent down and drank eagerly. When I straightened up, I was soaked. Amir looked at me with amusement.

“I'm sure your prestigious clients would have a heart attack if they saw you like this,” he said, grinning with his entire face.

“Why?”

“You look like a girl after a water fight, not a senior lawyer.”

I laughed and went to sit on a bench facing the stunning scenery of the lake. Amir joined me after satisfying his thirst, and we sat in silence. The moon was nearly full and there was a pleasant breeze. The viewing area was located in an abandoned garden and had an enchanting view of the lake, which hypnotized us for a long time.

“I want to thank you,” Amir broke the silence and made my heart pound.

“What for?” I asked.

“The book you gave me for my birthday last year.”

“Oh, God,” I laughed. “You take your time with gratitude…”

“No...” he joined me laughing. “I just put it aside. I had no time and forgot about it… eventually, I read it only recently. Actually, I finished it a week ago, on Yom Kippur.”

“Okay. Did you like it?”

“Very much.”

“Yeah, I knew you'd love it,” I said, careless of the words coming out of my mouth.

“How did you know?” he asked in amazement.

“I just guessed.”

“Have you read it?”

“Yes.” I’d read it more than sixteen years ago, in my previous life.

“And what did you think? Did you connect to it?”

The answer was not really. It was a good book, but I remembered that Amir was much more moved by it than I had been.

“The main character really moved me,” I lied. I hadn’t been able to understand the main character's dilemma, but Amir hadn’t stopped talking about her for days. “Her dilemma, choosing between the two options available to her, moved me very much.”

“Yeah, me too,” Amir said with shining eyes.

“Did Daria read it? What did she say about it?”

“Daria barely reads,” Amir said in a disappointed voice.

“You sound disappointed.”

“A little,” he said and made a face.

“Why?”

“As the years pass by, I find less and less to talk about with her.”

“Everyone’s the same.” I tried to reassure him with his own words.

“True, but this goes beyond the norm. Daria’s a very funny woman, pleasant and caring. She's a good mother, and she’s very sexy.” My heart shrank within me when he described Daria like that. “But she’s a bit backward.”

“What do you mean?”

“She doesn’t grow up; she’s not evolving… She’s interested more or less in the same things that interested her when we were twenty. I sometimes feel frustrated, like we don’t have too many things in common.”

“It’s the same with me,” I blurted out without actually wanting to. He looked at me in astonishment.

“Really? You and David always looked to me like a perfect couple.”

“Believe me, we’re really, really far from perfect. I have a feeling, as well, that the passage of time has distanced us instead of bringing us closer.”

“When I married Daria, I was sure that the fact that we were a little opposite would be the thing that would bring us closer. You know, they say opposites attract.”

“It doesn’t work that way,” I said sadly.

“True.”

We fell silent. I thought about my previous life, when we were married. We weren’t a perfect couple .Now I knew that the perfect couple didn’t exist, but our relationship was based on our similarities rather than our differences. We were interested in the same topics, loved to walk in the same places, we enjoyed the same movies and books, and we were good friends long before we were a romantic couple. With David, we were romantic partners first and then friends. And, unfortunately, like most couples, romance slowly faded away, and our friendship wasn’t as strong as mine had been with Amir.

I sat and watched the Kineret. At first I was careful not to look at Amir. The confidences we had exchanged startled me, and I was scared to make eye contact with him. After a few minutes of staring, I didn’t have to strain. The wind caressed my face, and a pleasant tranquility fell on all my limbs. I felt I was starting to fall asleep. I took a deep breath and turned to Amir. I was about to suggest we get back.

Amir's face told me everything. He was looking at me with the same look he had the first time he told me he loved me. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes,my and they broke free and washed my face. Amir leaned over and started kissing me passionately.

I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t. I missed him so much.

Within minutes, we were already joined to each other. Amir moaned with excitement. “How is that you know how to touch me like that?” he kept whispering.

The next day, I shut myself in our room. I didn’t want to bump into Amir and, more than that, I didn’t want to see Daria. I couldn’t look her in the eye after I’d betrayed her like that. I told Inbal I wasn’t feeling well and asked David if he wouldn’t mind taking the girls to the activities she’d organized.

In the evening, we got together for Kabbalat Shabbat in the kibbutz dining room. I sat and stared at my plate. I couldn’t put a bite in my mouth. I focused on the plate… I was afraid to meet Amir’s gaze.

“You're quite pale,” Inbal said.

“True,” Daria agreed. “If you’re sick and you give whatever it is to my kids now, I’ll kill you.”

“I'm fine,” I said weakly.

“You just don’t look well,” Inbal said anxiously. “Maybe you should go back to your room?” She looked at David and told him, “Walk her up to your room. I'll watch the girls in the meantime.”

“It's okay,” I said and got up. “I can go alone.”

I left the dining room and started walking slowly back to our room. Tears streamed down my face. I felt my world was destroyed. I loved two men, one of whom I’d cheated on. I’d cheated on my friend. I’d ruined everyone's life.

Someone was running behind me. I turned around. It was Amir.

“What are you doing here?” I asked angrily. “Go to your wife!”

“I can’t,” he said, and tears began to spill from his eyes. “I can’t say nothing passed between us yesterday… I can’t continue as if nothing happened.”

“But there’s no choice!” I shouted in a whisper. “We’re not going to destroy everybody's life because of one mistake.”

“Mistake?” He looked at me, stunned. “Yesterday was a mistake?”

“Yes,” I replied briefly.

“I'm in love with you… this can’t be a mistake!” he said, and my heart almost burst out of my chest. “Until yesterday, I didn’t believe it was mutual, that I had a chance, but now I know I do. You can’t tell me you don’t feel like I do. You couldn’t touch me like that if the feeling weren’t mutual.”

“Amir,” I said coldly. “Yesterday, we both got a bit carried away and had sex, and I'll tell you a secret. David cheated on me some time ago, and apparently I felt I needed to get back at him.”

“I don’t believe you,” he said painfully.

“You’d better believe it,” I said and went back to my room. I couldn’t believe what I’d said, but if there was something I learned from the weird reality of my life, it was that the neighbor's grass is never really greener. It was nice to discover that, even in my new life, Amir desired me, but I didn’t think it was worth breaking my family apart for. I’d already lived with Amir, and I knew the thrill would disappear.