Disenchanted (8 page)

"They also pulled people's
brains out through their noses."

He disappeared with a flick of
his tail that looked suspiciously like he was flipping me off. I stared at
Rob's blood streaked body. I cleared the hall then pulled up the carpet and
wrapped Rob in it. I shouted for Mephistopheles. He hurried down the stairs.

"This had better be
important. I need sixteen hours of sleep a day."

"It's done."

"What
d'you
want? A round of applause?"

"What do I do now?"

"Leave him out for the
council to collect."

"What?"

"Did someone pull your
brains out through your nose? Get rid of him before he stinks the place out. My
olfactory senses are very delicate."

"I don't have a car."

"Your brother does."

I rang Pierre. After I'd talked
to him for five minutes, Mephistopheles made a rolling motion with his front
leg.

"Hurry up, my stomach thinks
my throat's been cut. Can you hear that? That's the sound of
hungerbugs
marching through my stomach."

"They sound like
purrs." I hung up.

"I didn't realise you were
fluent in Feline. You can barely speak English." He trotted into the
kitchen and sat at the table. "Do I have to open the damn pouch
myself?"

I sighed and fetched his bowl and
a pouch of food. I squeezed half into his bowl.

"I didn't order that."

"You haven't even tried
it."

"I don't want it."

I chose another flavour and
squeezed half in.

"I'm not eating that. It
smells like worms."

"You haven't even
looked
at it!"

"I swear you want me to
starve
."

After another three flavours, he
ate his biscuits, glaring at me over his bowl and muttering about the shoddy
service. I sighed and went into the hall, stopping when I saw Rob's feet
sticking out of the rolled up carpet. I stepped over him and sat on the stairs
with my head in my hands. Mephistopheles purred and nudged my arm.

"I buried my father, got
evicted from my home, pickpocketed strangers and now I've killed my
brother."

"Your personal development
has been rapid." Mephistopheles massaged me with his front feet.
"When you get Pierre's car, you'll be set."

"I'm a murderer."

"Plenty of people have
killed their relatives, for pettier reasons."

"I
killed
my
brother
."

"I can magic him back to
life if you'd prefer, so he can make you homeless."

"Can you do that?"

He sat down, his eyes narrowing.
"I'm a cat, not a
friggin
' magician. I don't
have creepy magic powers."

"You can talk."

"So can you. No-one's
ringing
Britain's Got Talent
voting
you in."

Fifteen minutes later, the door
knocked. Mephistopheles' tail smacked me across the face as he fled upstairs. I
blocked the door so Rob couldn't be seen. Pierre had his phone clamped to his
ear. He spoke about numbers and jargon then hung up.

"This had better be
important, Aidan."

"I'm sure the stock market
won't crash in your absence."

"I've got half an hour for
lunch. What do you want?"

"I need to borrow your car,
to take a carpet to the dump."

"It's a sports car, not a
pick-up truck."

Mephistopheles crept down the
stairs. "Oh yet another brother who refuses to help in your hour of need.
Yet you sacrifice whatever you're doing to help him whenever he clicks his
fingers. I bet if you were on fire and he was sitting beside a fire
extinguisher, he'd ignore your shrieks to chase the next rising stocks. Where
was he when your father fractured your skull? Oh yeah. Studying for his exams
and turning his music up to drown out your screams." How did he know? I
must've told him, though I don't remember.

"You could've told me this
on the phone. Saved me wasting fifteen minutes." Pierre pulled out his
phone and turned away.

"You'd get the same sentence
for two murders," Mephistopheles told me. "Let's face it, no-one will
miss them."

"I won't be long," I
called to Pierre.

"Buy your own bloody car. I'm
not having scuff marks on the interior. You haven't even bothered changing out
of your funeral clothes. You need a shave too. Just because you
are
a failure, doesn't mean you have to
look
like one."

I snatched up the letter opener
and rammed it into his neck. He choked as he stumbled forwards then dropped to
his knees. He frantically tried pulling it out, his hands slick with his own
blood. His face whitened, shock widening his eyes.

"You-" he rasped before
falling forwards, his blood stained hands smearing his white shirt.

"Dude, get him inside before
the neighbours see," Mephistopheles rubbed his chin against the doorframe.
"This looks like a Neighbourhood Watch area."

"I can't believe I just did
that again."

"I can't believe you didn't
do it sooner."

I dragged Pierre inside and spent
twenty minutes pulling the damn stairs carpet up. Mephistopheles kept sitting
on the bit I wanted and refusing to move. I'd go to another corner and he'd sit
on that one and start washing.

"If you're not going to
help, sit somewhere else."

"I'm supervising."

"Supervise somewhere
else."

"You're doing it
wrong." He flopped onto his side then rolled onto his back and writhed
around before attacking the carpet. Every time I grabbed the corner, he'd slap
my hand with his claws out. I gave in and went to the toilet. The door opened,
hitting my back.

"Hey! Can't I have thirty
seconds?"

"What if you fall in and
drown? I'll be an orphan."

"I can't fall in, I'm
standing up."

"You're such a
friggin
' smartarse."

I left the toilet then finished
pulling up the carpet and wrapped Pierre in it.

"I've never disposed of a
body."

Mephistopheles trampled my
brothers. "They should teach that at the local college instead of
hairdressing."

"You can't get arrested for
hairdressing."

"Some people should. Have
you seen the
godawful
styles around? Murder's a more
forgivable crime."

I waited until dark before
loading the carpets into the boot of Pierre's sports car. It was a tight
squeeze. Mephistopheles insisted on coming and sat in the passenger seat in his
wigwam bed. He directed me to woods and jumped out, his abnormally long tail
leading the way. I should've attached a light to it. I opened the boot and
slung Rob's carpet over my shoulder.

The woods got darker the deeper
we travelled. Rob became heavier with each laborious step. Night creatures
rustled in the undergrowth, convincing me witnesses lurked within the shadowy
confines of the trees. Mephistopheles stopped, his eyes glowing in the meagre
moonlight. I collapsed under Rob's weight, landing on top of him. I freaked,
scuttling away and trying to control my rapid breaths.

"Here's a good spot,"
Mephistopheles said. "Now dig."

"I can't."

"He's not a piece of litter.
If the council find him, they won't just slap you with a fly-tipping fine.
Hurry up, he's making the place look like a crime scene. You don't want
picnickers stumbling across him tomorrow. That'd really sour the cream."

He inspected his boots for mud
while I trudged to the car for the spade and Pierre. The woods closed in, the
creepy trees whispering my heinous secret to each other. Mephistopheles sat on
a fallen log while I dug the grave.

Every noise I heard, I was
convinced it was the police, or Rob and Pierre rising from the dead. I worked
faster, my nerves shredded. When the hole was deep enough, Mephistopheles
instructed me to put the bodies in without the carpets, so they couldn't be
traced back to me. I unrolled the carpets and tipped my brothers in to the
grave. They lay entangled in their eternal embrace. I tried closing their eyes,
but they kept opening.

"That only happens on
TV," Mephistopheles informed me. "In real life you need
stitches."

I quickly covered them in mud,
hating their accusing glares.

I slung the carpets in the boot
and slammed it.

"What you doing?" I whirled
around. A drunk man swayed, staring at my boot. "You're doing
something."

"We're designing NASA's
space shuttle." Mephistopheles leapt off the roof, sending him crashing
into the dirt. He scratched and bit the man, wrapping his tail around his throat.
"Listen punk, we're minding our own business and I suggest you do the
same. If anyone asks, you saw nothing. Got it?" The man nodded, terrified.
Mephistopheles patted his face. "Good. Then we have an
understanding."

"What are you doing?" I
hissed as the man hurried away.

"Eliminating witnesses. I
would've killed him, but you look like you're about to die from exhaustion.
That's the trouble when only your arse has meat on it."

"Sorry, if I'd known I'd
spend the evening killing and burying my brothers, I might've started weight
training."

He waved his tail. "I
forgive your lack of forward planning. Home James! I need a wash. I've got mud
between my toes."

"How? You didn't do any
digging."

He jumped into the passenger seat
and spent the whole journey washing imaginary specks of mud off his fur and
debating whether or not a pirate coat would look ridiculous.

The country lanes were black and
empty, the sports car slipping through them like a speeding bloodstain. I
locked the doors, worried my brothers' corpses would stumble out of the
hedgerows, their lifeless eyes hungry for my soul.

I was relieved to reach the main
road. It stretched before me, deserted but flanked by lights to banish the
shadows of guilt.

Pulsating blue lights in my
interior mirror blinded me. A siren wailed briefly before being swiftly
silenced.

"I think he wants you to
pull over." Mephistopheles checked the wing mirror. Cursing, I stopped, my
heart thundering. This was it. "Thank god he didn't pull us over en route.
Not even flashing some leg and batting your lashes would get you out of that
mess." The police officer's footsteps marched along the tarmac. "Let
me do the talking."

"Oh yeah '
cos
a talking cat isn't at all suspicious."

He bit my hand. I swore and
cradled it.

The officer tapped my window. I
jumped and lowered it.

"Were you aware you were
speeding?"

"Were you aware your
moustache makes you look like a seventies porn star?" Mephistopheles
answered.

"Mephistopheles!" I
scolded.

"What did I say about
dropping me in it?" He bit my hand again.

"
Ow
!
I hardly think insulting
him's
going to get us out of
this."

"Who are you talking
to?" The officer asked.

"My cat." I turned. The
passenger seat was empty.

"Please step out of the
vehicle."

My heart racing, I opened the
door and got out, expecting to be slammed over the bonnet and frisked in a way
that wouldn't be at all enjoyable.

The officer screamed as
Mephistopheles leapt onto his back and scrammed his face. He flailed, trying to
shake him off, but Mephistopheles hung on, biting and scratching like a demon.
The officer hit the ground, Mephistopheles attached to his face.

"You tell anyone you saw us
and I'll chop you up so small, ants will carry the pieces back to their
farm," Mephistopheles murmured into his ear. "Dude, quick, get the
footage from the car." I stared at him. "He's probably got a
dashboard camera. Don't leave any prints!"

I ran to the car and opened the
door with my sleeve over my hand. I grabbed the camera, yanking out the wires. By
the time I returned to my car, the officer was face down and handcuffed.

"Get in!"
Mephistopheles called from the passenger seat.

I dived in and sped off, tossing
the camera into the passenger well.

"Good work grasshopper. We
sure showed him."

"How can you operate
handcuffs?"

"I made him do it."

"He'll remember my face, the
car."

"The car's registered to
Pierre. And your face isn't that memorable. If I wasn't with you all the time,
I'd forget what you looked like."

"I'm not cut out for a life
of crime."

"It's temporary, until your
acting career takes off."

"What acting career?"

"Precisely."

I floored the accelerator, hoping
to scare him into silence. He went to sleep. I stopped at an abandoned factory
and carried the carpets inside the decaying building. Mephistopheles barked
orders while I fetched packaging crates and paper to build a fire. When it
ignited, I tossed the hall carpet onto the flames.

The fire investigated the carpet
before deciding it was combustible and devouring it with malicious glee, its
burning body writhing with pleasure. I threw the stair carpet onto it.

"Hey! What are you
doing?"

A torch blinded me. I shielded my
eyes and ran. Mephistopheles shot past me and launched at the security guard's
face. He shrieked as he fell.

Mephistopheles released the man's
cheek. "If you tell anyone you saw us, I'll hunt you down and chop you
into
bitesized
chunks. Then I'll come for your
family. Understood?"

The man nodded. "Please
don't kill me."

"Keep your mouth shut and I
won't have to."

He jumped off the guard and
gambolled out towards the car. I chased him, sat in and gunned the engine. I
waited until we were a mile down the road before speaking.

"You've got to stop
threatening people!"

"I'm sorry, I was under the
impression you didn't
want
to go to
jail. Or am I mistaken? I can go back and plant your wallet at the crime scene.
Jail won't be so bad. You'll have a room, a TV, regular food and showers. You
might even get yourself a nice boyfriend. The nights can be so lonely. You're
clearly having no luck finding a girl in normal society."