Finding Jessie: A Mystery Romance (6 page)

The angel on his shoulder whispered,
Don’t lose your head, Sam. Something big is coming.

“It only seems like I am a good talker. It is because you are a good listener, Jessie.”

“You’re a good listener, too, Sam. You remember everything I say. I can see it in your eyes as you answer me and weigh what you know about me so far. I’ve never had anybody really listen to me like you do.”

“Isn’t that what friends are for?” he asked softly and she trembled a bit, not answering.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were that cold.”

He reached for the chenille throw on the back of the blue chintz couch, whacked the cat hair off it and put it around her shoulders.

“Thank you. I’m not cold. I was hoping—” She hesitated and moved closer to him on the couch, until their thighs were side-by-side, touching. “Sam, don’t you want to kiss me?”

“What?” he said stupidly. His tongue felt thick and clumsy.

“You heard me,” she said.

His eyes met hers and he turned his body toward hers.

The angel said in his ear,
Turning point! Leap of faith!

Jessie was beautiful in that light, in the glow of the reading lamps and the fading afternoon light from the window. Her hair was filled with red-gold light and her turquoise-blue eyes were almost luminous as they held his gaze with a desperate plea for some validation of her worth. It was written all over her face, that she wanted to be worthy of a kiss. Indecision wracked him, but when indecision wracked him, he almost always said no.

“I don’t think I should kiss you yet, Jessie. It might not be good for either of us.”

“Why not? I know you like me, or you wouldn’t have spent the afternoon and early evening with me.”

“Just because it would feel good for the moment doesn’t mean we should kiss. I try to think of the long-term effects of my actions. If I kissed you right now, I would feel some promise was due you. To be faithful or to care for you. You’re a vagabond. I don’t know when you’ll be back in town, or
if
you will.”

 “That’s about as honest as a man ever got with me.”

“I’m tempted, of course, but the timing doesn’t feel right. The circumstances feel…pardon me, but somehow, they feel contrived. It may not be that way, and just my cautious nature rearing up to say hello.”

She nodded, disappointment clear on her face. And something else was there. She was hiding something big. He knew it.

“Well. I feel like a dolt,” she said.

“I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings too badly. It imagine that it took a lot for you to ask for a kiss from me,” he said to her.

“You have no idea. I don’t go around cities asking strange men if they want to kiss me.”

“I know you don’t.”

You have no idea what you just did by refusing her
, the angel whispered in his ear.

Sam tried to shake off the sudden feeling of dread. But any hope of a kiss was out the window tonight. Apparently, he’d completely blown it.

She cleared her throat. “
Well.
I’ll be back to return your book in a few days. I’m going to a warehouse fire sale in Albany. They have a bunch of kids’ books that I can get by the pound. All I have to do is get the smoke smell out and I can sell them at the flea markets.”

“Can you do that? Get the smoke smell out?”

“I have a good method. After Albany, I will be back in Port Sapphire next week. Your monthly downtown flea market.”

“Are you going?”

“Of course. I never miss it.”

“We could set up our tables next to each other. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? I could pack a picnic lunch. I could even bake cinnamon rolls if you let me come and use your oven.”

“You can. Please do come and bake here. I’m terrible at baking. I would love to taste your cinnamon rolls. And cupcakes.”

She raised her face to his and closed her eyes for a kiss. One that he wouldn’t give her. Her lips looked moist and her breath was sweet.

“I know you think I’ll give in, but I just can’t kiss you, Jessie. I’m not ready. I don’t know what would happen to me if you walked out that door after my kiss and then never came back. My luck has been 0 for 5 with women and I don’t want to set up myself, or you, for disappointment again. It is as much for your good as it is for mine…that we wait.”

“Isn’t a kiss just a kiss, Sam? Or do you always tend to overanalyze to this ridiculous degree?”

“Yes, that’s exactly the way I am. I’ve tried to change and I can’t, but perhaps I have this instinct for emotional self-preservation that extends far beyond the moments of impulsive behavior.”

“Am I a hedonist to you?”

“You are free to be a hedonist. I don’t tend to label people. I think that we assign labels to ourselves, we limit ourselves.”

“That’s very deep,” she said.

“We are what we are, Jessie. I can only control my own actions. My own nature is to wonder what will happen if I do this or that. I often end up doing nothing because of my indecision and over analysis. I’m sorry, Jessie.”

“Don’t apologize for being secure in who you are.”

“I feel like I have to be true to myself, if we are to get to know each other in some traditional way. It’s hard being me, believe me. I wish I could be like you and just kiss someone after you’ve known him for less than a day. I don’t say that with any disrespect for your morals because I consider it confident of you to ask a man for a kiss. And terribly sweet.”

She beamed and it seemed genuine. “Thank you, Sam.”

“I don’t say no to you lightly. You’re incredibly beautiful, smart, and engaging. And oh so much younger than me. But seriously, Jessie, you are out of my league. I can’t kiss you. Not tonight. I have to think about…all this.”

Oh, Sam. You could have had a kiss
, said the angel in his ear.

“I should go.” She stood to get her coat, her eyes downcast. Her feelings were obviously hurt.

“I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I have the highest respect for you, Jessie. It’s not a rejection. It’s upholding my respect for you, above my physical desires. I can’t give you what you ask. Not yet.”

“I’m only asking for one little kiss.”

“A kiss is just the entrée. Don’t you want more from me than that?”

She said nothing but moved away a bit; he saw a sparkle of a tear in one eye.

He immediately began to regret the slight sharpness of his words. “Don’t go yet. Please.”

He stood up, too, and saw her shoulders tremble. Oh, drat! He had gone and brought her to tears.
Again.
He suddenly felt sick.

He gently tilted her chin up and sure enough, tears threatened to spill over the spiked, wetted lashes.

“I’m such a jerk sometimes. We were having such a good time and in a few words I just blew it, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t. Well, maybe for tonight but not forever. You’re just overly concerned with consequences of something as beautiful and innocent as a kiss.”

“Innocent? Oh, the places a kiss will take two adults are usually not innocent. I have to think about all we have said before I ever touch your lips with mine.”

She put her arms around him and he put his arms around her and she put her head down again, this time against his chest, with her ear against his heart—it was a sweet weight that she swayed against him. Feather-light, but she did have mass after all. He heard a sharp intake of her breath. She was crying!

A little meow came from under the blue sofa, as one of the cats finally came to investigate Jessie. Another cat followed shyly.

“Anyway, you have your cats.”

“It’s more like they have me.”

“I like cats,” she said.

“It’s a love-hate relationship with the Twins and I. That’s what I call them. I had mice about two years ago, so I just went to the pound and got these two. They do their job on the mice, so they can stay.”

“They don’t have individual names?” She sniffled.

“They’re cats. Cats don’t know what their names are. Human words might as well be piano notes to a cat.”

“Well, I think they could understand if you taught them things and spoke to them as individuals; they would at least learn their names.”

“This eccentric cat lady fixation becomes you. My cats approve.”

“Thank you, Sam,” she said as they wound around her ankles and purred.

He pulled two tissues from the box on the end table and handed them to her. Jessie blew her nose softly and tossed the tissues in the wastebasket next to his roll-top desk.

“I’m sorry for crying.”

“It’s okay. You must have needed a cry for a while. Well, since this afternoon.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” She wiped her eyes with another tissue and crumpled it in her hand.

“I bet you’re lying that you only
like
them. I think you
love
them. You probably take them in your bed and they crawl up on your chest and purr at night as you pet them.”

He chuckled. “I’ll take the Fifth Amendment.”

Her eyes were downcast.

He put a hand on her shoulder. “You look so sad. I should have just kissed you, but now that moment is gone. If I did it now, it will feel like pity to you.”

She smiled through her reddened eyes. “Yes, you should have kissed me. I’m sorry I pressed you about it. I won’t do it again. Obviously, you like to make the first move and the second move and the third move.”

“That’s very accurate. I’m a chauvinist like that.” He paused. “Can I be honest with you, Jessie?”

“Of course.”

He sighed. “You seem so vulnerable, like deep down you have a lot of emotional upheaval and you’re putting on a brave front.”

She gasped. “Let’s just say, my life has been pretty upsetting.”

“I thought so. I don’t want to take advantage of you when you are this vulnerable by kissing you and whatever comes after that until we know each other a lot better.”

“But you do want to kiss me?”

“Please.
Of course.
I just don’t want to skip all of the best things about getting to know you and zoom right to the kissing part.”

She snorted. “You’re old-fashioned.”

“You’re half right. About the old part.”

“Sheesh. You’re not. You have beautiful salt and pepper hair.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you again soon, right?” he asked hopefully.

“Yes. I’ll have to come back for
The Princess and the Goblin
. We wrestled for it and I won!”

He chuckled. “This is my contact info, Jessie. Don’t lose it.” He handed her a business card from his wallet. She stuck it in the tiniest pocket of her five-pocket copper-riveted bell-bottom Levi’s. Her hair smelled like strawberry shampoo. Her skin smelled delicious. There was chemistry and he knew it. But tonight, he would do nothing about it. Not physically.

“Thanks, Sam. For everything.”

“Do you have a cell phone?”