For Tamara (5 page)

All that I've had to give up; no, forget. / I hated walking to the subway in heels. / Now I wish for such complaints.

Unlike most children, my Father gave me books on the nature of Time when I was 11. / Now I give them to you. / I know you can't use them now. / But you will.

Since we are starting over: morning sickness is a ridiculous name.

I had a teacher who talked about the beauty of a mushroom cloud. / Might be the reason I photographed myself crying. / May as well get something out of it.

I love impossible people. / Just like you, my Dearest.

Well in this case there is a mother that is trying to rebuild. So, very, very sadly, her daughter would be a hell of a shot. Ideally, she would non-lethally shoot and then stich up the person.

And she'd use arrows, bullets are a pain to make.

I have not met anyone who can make gunpowder. So silent, reusable and easily made weapons would be key for defense.

Don't think I didn't want to kill us both after that. / But I didn't. / I wish I weren't a single parent.

Everyone is screened for lice, bedbugs,
tb
, and everything you can think of. / Err on the side of caution. / I'm sorry we can't take them all.

Yr Dad & I: do you know how many languages & dialects we spoke to each other? / I'm just missing him. / Plus, he is a better scientist than I.

We built this sort of altar. / All our favourite, precious things.

I'm not going to get a better story then yr Father & I. / Dry the wood. / Winter is coming.

I can teach you embroidery. / Not as well as your great-grandmother, but something. / And I can spin wool. / Who thought that'd be useful?

There is a nicely formed queue out there. / If I make an exception for even you / this “hospital” won't work anymore. / People come because they know they are safe and that I will do everything I can. / They respect the fact that they have to wait their turn. / So no. / Not even for you will I break the rules. / (If you promise not to tell anyone, yes, you do get to jump the queue. Just don't let anyone see. / If they do / “the doctor has to be well to treat others.”) / If you want to be of use, / hand out clean water. / This is the deal.

Remember what you are worth. / A spark starts a fire. / Forgive them, and me. / I love you.

I still find myself reaching out for your Father. / Physically, my hand outstretched. / On the rare occasions I laugh. / I want to share it.

You're going to find all these devices / with numbers and letters. / Remember the basics. / We both love you.

Guess what? I really hate not being able to ask you shit. / You were better at some things. / Now I have to look them up. / Come home.

Cold will make you crazy. / Let's insulate against it. / Corn stalks, dirt. / Really, it will make you as crazy as heat, a fever.

Before I invent animals like mermaids & unicorns. / We have to find & herd some real ones / okay, Darling?

I'll show you how to milk a cow. / K, it will probably be on the tenth try. / We can do this.

We used to set aside a small part of any budget to make city project — like a road — pretty. Beautification.

A mattress festers. / We have to be practical. / Chop wood, carry? / This is the only life you've known. / Like any kid, you know nothing else.

This sky, T., she'll show you more than I ever could.

I wish teaching you superstitions were sensible. / I want you to know Santa & how to pick flower petals. / “He loves me; loves me not.”

That's the cuts & bruises line. / Then: likely concussion. / Next: missing limbs, etc. / Finally, we have lady in labour: she got her own line. We likely have a case of
mrsa
. / Everyone with a flesh wound: over here. / Take their temperature; look for obvious signs of infection. / If you have a compromised immune system / speak up now. / Yes, that includes everything from
hiv
to you catch a cold way too often.

I didn't wait 3 years to give up like this.

My Beautiful Idiot / I know you hated the floors / I know you left for work, / but if you ever came back / I'd clock you for that. / I understand what you are doing is so very important. / And I know we both agreed. / But sometimes I would ignite the atmosphere if I thought it would send you home.

New growth will be lighter. / Those are Juniper berries. / You can make tea out of rosehips.

You really are the most beautiful thing. Okay, you're after clean drinking water. / Still you're gorgeous.

Yes, your Mum swears like a sailor. / One day she hopes you can sail and bite your tongue. / And grow tomatoes.

We know of one holster in this house. / Do not get sentimental. / Check the attics (house & garage). / I do not think baseball bats will win.

Random home remedies. / To combat anxiety, yawn. / Seriously, you'll take in more O
2
than you need. / Aside from aloe, lavender works for burns. / (Pepper)mint for an upset stomach. / Ginger for nausea. / Chamomile for stress. / Valerian for sleep. / St. John's Wort for depression.

I'm not the best Mum in the world. / You probably figured that out. / Sadly, T., you're stuck with me. / You could do worse.

I'm not supposed to talk about how I likely will die. / But why else would I be writing this?

No, you aren't getting siblings. / One unassisted home birth was enough. / Plus, look at the kids here. / What are they if not your siblings?

If I thought I could draw you a picture of a city, a forest / anything that could show you how it used to be I would. / I don't want to make you sad. / (
ps
While I'm okay at painting; I'm not that good./ I wish I could take the train into Manhattan [as I remember it] with you. / That skyline.)

Yeah, T., you've got me. / I protect you more than the others. / What can I say? / If you died / so would this house. / Home.

T., just know you will hurt me far less than I will ever love you. /

I wished I could have put up glow-n-the-dark stars & moons in your room. / I guess I don't have to now. / If nothing else, you can see them all.

I would like to think you'd still be doing your homework. / That you're alive. / That was wishful, even then.

Here is where I'd draw a picture of your Father. / Wet weather followed by sun equals mosquitoes. / Why do you have to be so adorable?

You're still him, my silly goose. / My Beautiful Idiot. / You are & you are working as hard as we are. / Remember blackberries, the fruit.

I screamed for everyone (in range) if they had medical and/or military experience to step out.

Not that your Father ever would dance but / “Just in Time” by Nina Simone. / He always was just in time.

You care about weather when it can actually change the course of yr life. / I wish I were writing about how to make face-paint.

We used to have these cities. / We used to have so many types of doctor. / We used to have supermarkets.

You know what, My Darling Dearest? / I have no idea how I came up with your name. / I swear you picked it, my Tamara.

Unless it is the northern lights/aurora borealis, a green sky is never a good thing. / Get underground.

Before this, your Mother was a writer. / Now she is a doctor & teacher. / I suppose this still counts as writing.

An eclipse is when you can't see the moon or sun. / The latter, the moon blocks the sun. / From the earth. / No magic, just the solar system.

With that sun / my face through that window. / I twist my ring. / Wound. / I'm asking for the day off.

Playing dead is a good strategy for more situations than I can count. / I know it is gross, but you get that blood on you and don't breathe more than you need.

You should have seen me then. / T., you're more gorgeous than I could have imagined. / One day, you should invent a currency.

Considering how important generators are, / you'd be surprised at how poorly they're drawn. / I'm talking magnets and copper wire.

Tamara, apparently don't throw out your textbooks. / I'm running out of advice. / You're going to be better at this than I.

One of the most difficult things to learn is to be happy for someone else. To let go. There is nothing I wouldn't do, but damn, this is a hard place to be in. / You will be okay. / We are making this life. / I learned to set a dislocated shoulder. / I have no idea why I still feel guilty, / or sad. / It isn't even that I can't get over you: / but how to could they compare. / You remember, as I told you: / the first time I saw you I thought: this is what I have been waiting for.

We used to have this idea of a house. / Did you know your Mum can make perfume? / I just want to back to that idea, / memory.

Your grandfather raised me as a vegetarian. / But not as a stupid one. / Eat your dinner, / meat and all.

Yes, your Mum has a sensitivity to light & so many allergies. / I hope you'll grow up to be so much stronger.

There is so much water in this world, / as in you. / We barely have the clinic running. / We have to start producing antibiotics.

Oh the world I would make for you. / It still wouldn't be good enough.

Bad things will happen to you. / Just know they happened to me too; / and I'm still here.

A few days before this / I argued w/yr Father about leaving (again). / Love someone for who they are. / That was part of who he was, is. / To deny that part of him would have been cruel. / And yes, I miss My Beautiful Idiot.

Make sure you sleep. / If you go w/o long enough you'll hallucinate. / Paranoia. / Anxiety. / Mood swings. / Inability to function.

Tamara, if you ever find your Dad. / Tell him I loved him best.

No, My Husband / here with our girl. / To think I used to have breakfast in bed / every day. / Before this we were picking out faucets. “I'm only going for a week.” / Now: all the faucets I want. / Home: / where you aren't scared.

In my 20s, on a train. / This city glimmering before me, / & for me. / “This is for you.” / Let's play. / We laughed, that game with the button.

When? / Before you were born. / Stilettos? / Uncomfortable shoes / to be attractive. / Showed you never had to walk. / Not so useful now. / We left because / your Father and I followed our brains. / Good thing. / That city was one of the first. / I saw it destroyed on
tv
. /
tv
? / I told you what that was / remember that flip-book we made? / & I watched / & it wasn't pretend. / In a few hours there wasn't
tv
, radio.

There were clouds, rain. / We had agreed the kitchen & bathroom faucets should be equal quality. / Right before we moved.

Tamara, some of these notes are for your Father. / I hope that Beautiful Idiot gets to read them / with you. / He missed you so much.

T., I don't know if I should show you how to make or break (we're low on jokes) chairs. / Watermelon. / So many places I wanted to see.

Your Dad made these amazing toys / Like dominoes.

Your Mum read Emily Post as a child. / What I wouldn't do. / I hope you like the boat.

I always loved you for your lack of heroics. / But today, someone called you “Dad” and that was polite at best. / Just say her real Dad is off literally saving the world. / Please. / Tamara has to start somewhere. / That seems good place.

This gov't acknowledges all religions & faiths. / Unless they can reverse this, feed & clothe everyone / we need a secular plan. / Please help.

T., I'm going to give you the worst basics. / Please do not cloud-seed, develop directional
emp
s, bio-weapons, / fall in love. / I trust your judgment. / Okay, fall in love. / Someone to share your photographs with. / Who makes jam / and does a mean appendectomy.

T., I did the best I could. / Don't you think I want to wake up? / Promise you something?

You made me smile: thank-you. / Get out. / I love my husband so much more than this will ever be. / And yes, I pretend to laugh at your jokes.

I didn't have you in my will / it took some time to warm up to you.

You know, when I was first pregnant / your Dad thought you beautiful. / Even then.

No, love isn't a temporary condition. / Don't use that word otherwise.

We took you in with a skill set. / We are so very happy to have you here. / No, we don't like to talk about the past.

On your paternal side, your family came from Europe to America on the
Mayflower
and the
Lyon
. / Your v. great grandaunt was a Salem witch. / She escaped. / Don't test that theory.

Your grandfather taught me relativity on a mountain. / He told me we are not just pencils — carbon — but diamonds. / I want to tell you because you are so shiny & precious / but I'd rather you believe in science. / You shiny, perfect carbon.

I don't pretend that your life is easy. / Use that to understand others, / forgive. / The crops will die out soon.

I'd love to see you with your Dad / in a station / that Canadian Poet sign in your hand. / Now my claim to fame is triage.

Keep track of your paper / like gold. / Listen to lessons about how to make it & ink / even from me.

Tamara, you're almost too glorious to exist. / O, come on, your Mum gets one off.

No, I don't want to talk about the first days, / they were horrible, okay? / Forgive me.

Your Dad is the most gorgeous thing. / Yes, T., other than you. / Watching his brain work was exquisite. / No, I'm no slouch. / Let me be romantic for a second / and let you be so lucky.

You go fall in love with a genius and see how well you adapt.

Tamara: Even I can write your name with care. / I am here with the people / decided to live. / Even if not by me you were loved.

Your Dad drew models of your nursery. / I vetoed the underground ones. / I don't know if I should tell you what was or what happened.

Notes. / See the thing is yr Dad wasn't one for leaving notes. / Codes: yes. / Notes: I bandage before cryptography. / Sorry.

You were born / when I disregarded humanity. / You had to fucking giggle. / Just right then.