Greatest Zombie Movie Ever (11 page)

“We should call his parents,” said Gabe.

“I've seen him look worse,” Justin noted. “Let's give him a few minutes to recuperate.”

“All right. But if he starts foaming at the mouth, we're calling 911.”

“Okay.”

“I mean any foam at all. Even if it's just a little bit trickling out of the sides of his mouth. We see any foam, and he's done working for the day.”

They heard the putt-putt-putt sound of some sort of motor, and then Christopher came around the corner on a blue moped. Another kid was sitting behind him. Both of them were wearing helmets because Christopher was the kind of upstanding guy who would always be conscious of safety issues when he was operating a motor vehicle, even a tiny one.

He stopped the moped, put out the kickstand with awe-inspiring skill, and got off. He was wearing filthy, torn jeans and a tattered black jacket that perfectly captured the “lost wanderer in a postapocalyptic landscape” look that Justin had asked him to go for.

“Hi, guys,” he said with a smile. His teeth were too white for the character, but they'd fix that. “This is my brother. We call him Spork.”

The other kid, who looked about twelve, got off the moped.

“You mean, like Spock?” Justin asked.

“Nah. Like the thing that's part spoon and part fork.”

“Why do you call him that?”

“Because he hates it.”

Spork held up a camera to show them. “Could I watch you guys and get some behind-the-scenes footage? You could use it on the special features reel.”

“Yeah, that would be great,” said Justin. “Film anything you want.”

“Thanks.” Spork went over to get some close-up video of Bobby lying on the merry-go-round.

“This is exciting,” said Christopher. “I'm really looking forward to this. Alicia and I got together yesterday to practice our lines, and I think you'll definitely see the chemistry on the big screen.”

“That's splendid,” said Justin.

A minute later a car arrived, and Alicia, wearing a tattered white wedding dress, got out of the passenger seat. The driver was a redheaded girl who was one year older. Justin recognized her. Her name was Rose or Rosa or Rosalyn or Rosie or something to that effect.

“Hi, everyone!” the girl said as she got out of the car.

“Hi, Daisy!” said Christopher.

Alicia and Daisy (Justin was close, sort of) walked over to join them. Alicia had a tiny silver nose ring shaped like a star, and her hair was now a deep, dark shade of purple like grape Kool-Aid. It was still, however, down to her shoulders. She held up a handful of hair and showed it to Justin. “What do you think of the color?”

“It looks great.”

“Is it purple enough?”

“It's very purple.”

“My mom literally had a heart attack when she saw it.”

“Do you mean
literally
meaning
literally
or
literally
meaning
figuratively
?”

“Literally meaning that she clutched at her chest and fell to her knees and acted like she couldn't catch her breath, but she didn't actually have a heart attack.”

“Well, that's a relief. It's not very Mohawky though.”

“I know. Daisy was going to cut it for me last night, but she got grounded.”

“What'd you do?” Justin asked her.

Daisy shrugged. “There were a lot of things it could've been. I'm not one hundred percent sure which one I was grounded for. My mom said, ‘You know what you did,' and I didn't think it was a good idea to confess to something that might have been the wrong thing, y'know.”

Justin nodded. “I can relate.”

“I know she was going through my closet, but I'm not sure which box she opened.”

“Anyway,” said Alicia, “she was going to sneak out and cut my hair, and then we decided that we should just do it when we got to the set, so you can make sure it's in line with your vision.”

“Thanks,” said Justin. “I appreciate that. We're almost ready to roll camera, so you should go ahead and get started.”

“Let's do this,” said Alicia, pushing her hair away from her left eye.

“Gaaahhh!” Justin said out loud, even though he tried to just think it.

“Oh yeah,” said Alicia. “The piercing got infected.”

“Doesn't that hurt?”

“It's not as bad as it looks.”

“It looks like it's pulsating!”

“It's not pulsating,” Alicia assured him. “I put rubbing alcohol on it and did everything you're supposed to do. I'm not sure why it got so bad. Hey, more production value for you, right?”

“Are you sure the pin wasn't rusty? I'm not an expert on eyebrow piercings, but I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be that color…or that shape…or move like that. Maybe you should take it out.”

“Nope,” said Alicia. “The truth is that it hurt so bad that I could never do it again, so if I want a pierced eyebrow, this is my only chance. It's okay. Really.”

“Your friend just fell off the merry-go-round,” said Spork. “Should I help him back on it?”

“Yes, please,” said Justin, who was starting to think that things might not go quite as perfectly as he'd believed earlier in the day.

Daisy took an electric razor out of her car, and then she and Alicia walked over to the slide. Alicia sat on the bottom. Daisy crouched down next to her and turned on the razor.

“Breathe,” Gabe told Justin. “We're going to get through this.”

“I'm breathing fine. My lungs have never worked better.”

“Seriously, we're okay. There are bound to be a few hiccups on the first day of shooting.”

“If Alicia hiccups, that thing on her eyebrow is going to burst.”

“That's gross.”

“Yes, it certainly is.”

Daisy pushed the razor across the side of Alicia's head. Some purple hair fell to the ground.

“Aaaahhhh!” Alicia cried out. “My hair! My hair!”

“Did you hurt yourself?” Justin asked.

“No!” Alicia ran her fingers over the bare patch. “My hair! Why did I do that? It took me forever to grow my hair that long! What have I done?” She began to cry.

Everybody just stood there for a moment, unsure what to do.

“Ummmm,” Justin said.

“I can't believe I let you do that,” Alicia said to Daisy. “Why didn't you stop me?”

“You said you wanted a Mohawk!”

“Why didn't you talk me out of it?”

“I thought you really wanted one.”

“I did! But not anymore!” Alicia turned her accusing gaze onto Justin. “Why didn't
you
talk me out of it? You're supposed to be the director!”

“I, uh… I, uh… I, uh… I, uh… I, uh…”

“Look at my hair now! I'm hideous!”

“That's not true,” said Justin. “If anything is making you hideous, it's the infected eyebrow piercing, not your hair.”

Justin took a very brief moment to ponder whether that had been the best possible comment to make at that particular time. He decided that it had not been.

Alicia buried her face in her hands and wept. Spork came over to film her.

“I think if you comb your hair to the side you can cover the bare patch,” said Justin, hoping that he was being helpful but suspecting that he wasn't.

Alicia wiped her eyes. “I'm sorry,” she said. “I didn't realize I was so attached to my hair.”

“It's really not a problem,” Justin told her. “There aren't any hair restrictions on the role.”

“Maybe in this postapocalyptic future, people shave one piece of the side of their heads. It's just something they do,” said Gabe. “If the movie is popular enough, viewers might shave a piece of their heads to be like Veronica Chaos.”

“I'm not shaving any of my head,” said Christopher. “I'm sorry if it makes me a difficult actor, but that's not what I signed on for. You should have said something during the audition. I'll go purple, but I'm not shaving it.”

“Nobody is asking you to shave your head,” said Justin.

“But the purple?”

“No.”

“I could run home really quick.”

“No. There's no reason why everybody's hair would be purple.”

“Unless,” Gabe said, “the purple dye is what caused the survivors to be immune to the virus that turned everybody else into zombies. That could be the missing piece of the puzzle.”

“We're not reworking our mythos now!” said Justin. “Alicia's hair is fine! Christopher's hair is fine! Everybody's hair is fine! We need to get started.”

“You know what?” Alicia said. “I think I just freaked out because I'm nervous about being on my first movie set. I want the Mohawk. I really do.”

Justin gaped at her. “But you…but you just…but you just said…but you just said that—”

“She does this kind of thing all the time,” said Daisy.

“Let's finish this,” said Alicia. “I'm ready.”

“Wait. No, wait,” said Justin. “I mean, we have a lot to shoot today. We don't have time for you to get emotional again.”

“Are you calling me emotional because I'm a woman?”

“What? No. You were crying fifteen seconds ago! Your cheeks are still glistening!” Justin couldn't figure out what was happening. Maybe the reason he'd never had a girlfriend was to protect his sanity.

“I'm sorry,” said Alicia. “I get defensive when I'm emotional. I'll finish cutting my hair.”

“You know what? I'll cut my hair too,” said Christopher.

“Your hair is staying exactly the way it is,” Justin told him. “Alicia, whatever you decide about your hair is fine with me, but we're going to have to stick with that decision for the rest of the shooting schedule. So I need to know that your heart is prepared to accept whatever happens when the razor starts buzzing.”

Alicia nodded. “I'm ready.”

Spork pointed his camera at her. “Do you have any final words?”

“Spork, film but don't talk,” said Justin.

“Yes, Director.”

Daisy turned on the razor again and resumed the task of shaving most of Alicia's head. Alicia trembled as she did it, and a single tear trickled down her cheek, but she remained mostly stoic throughout the process.

“I feel terrible about wasting so much dye on hair that I was going to get rid of,” she said.

“There, all done,” said Daisy. “You look awesome.”

“Do I?”

“Actually, no. Not yet. Nobody show her a mirror until we get some product in there.”

Daisy hurried back to her car to retrieve a tube of gel, applied a generous amount to Alicia's hair, and then spiked it up.

“Oh yeah, that looks sweet,” said Daisy.

“Yeah, it does,” said Justin.

“It sure does,” said Christopher.

“Definitely,” said Spork.

“You'll be very pleased with the results,” said Gabe.

“There's still an ant or two in my ear,” said Bobby.

Alicia took out her cell phone, turned on the camera function, and used it to gaze at herself.

Then she burst into tears. She sat there, sobbing for a full minute as everybody tried to pretend that they had something better to watch.

Finally she spoke, “I'm sorry I cried again, but it's just so beautiful!”

“I'm glad you like it,” said Justin. “Now I hate to be the bad guy, but the shooting schedule didn't include time for head-shaving and crying, so we really need to get going.”

“Aren't you supposed to have a chair that says director on it?” Christopher asked.

“On a bigger-budget production, yes.”

“I'll see if I can find one for you.”

“Not necessary, but I appreciate it. So here's the scene. Alicia, you're going to—”

“Could you call me Veronica Chaos?” she asked. “I promise I'm not gonna go full method actor on you, but it would be easier for me if you called me by my character's name from now on.”

“Oh,” said Justin. “Yeah, sure, sure, that's no problem. Veronica, you're going to—”

“Veronica Chaos.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don't think she'd ever just go by her first name. It's always Veronica Chaos, never just Veronica.”

“That's honestly not how I saw the character.”

“Really? I've never thought of her as anything but a ‘Veronica Chaos or nothing' type of person. She'd go around and say, ‘Call me by my full name, or get a machete to the windpipe!' I'm surprised you didn't see her that way, because that was the first thing that leaped out at me.”

“Can we get a ruling, Gabe?” Justin asked.

“It doesn't matter to me,” said Gabe. “We're on a really tight schedule, but saying Veronica Chaos doesn't take much longer than saying Veronica, so I think we can spare the extra time.”

Justin was not actually concerned about the time that they might lose by pronouncing two extra syllables, but it was a bit early in the process to allow the cast to start dictating the approach to characters that he'd created. It would start with Alicia insisting that she always be called Veronica Chaos, and it might end with the demand that the character communicate entirely by mooing.

“Can we have a brief conference?” Justin asked.

“Sure,” said Gabe.

The two of them stepped out of earshot, and then Justin shared his theory about the mooing.

“I agree that we need to keep control,” said Gabe. “But in this case I think it's more important to choose our battles. Give her the Veronica Chaos thing, and then when there's a disagreement that actually matters, you can say, ‘Do it my way because I bent to your will that other time.'”

“That makes sense.”

“Most things I say do.”

They rejoined the others. “Yes, we've decided that calling her Veronica Chaos every single time is consistent with the spirit of the character we created ourselves. Thank you for taking the initiative and for understanding our thought process on that issue. Soooooo now let's get to the first scene. You're going to start here.” Justin pointed to one side of the park. “And you're going to walk there.” Justin pointed to the other side of the park. “By this point, you've killed about seven hundred and fifty zombies, and you're feeling pretty confident about your abilities. You know that it's a world of danger, so you're being cautious because you're not stupid, but you're also pretty sure that this day isn't going to end with you getting eaten by a zombie. So not quite a strut, but you're walking with attitude like you know you're tough. But you also don't think that anybody else is watching, so there's no reason to show off in the way you move. That's how I want you to walk. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” said Alicia.

“Good.” Justin turned to Daisy. “Do you want to run slate?”

“Run what?”

Justin picked up the clapboard and wrote on it with a Magic Marker. “It's the person who runs the clapboard. You'll say, ‘
Dead Skull
, scene 15A, take one,' and then clap the clapper.”

“Why do you clap the clapper? I've always wondered that.”

“When we're synchronizing the sound to the picture later, the sound of the clapboard gives us an exact point to match them up.”

“Makes sense. I'm learning stuff already.”

Justin didn't consider himself to be a frequent provider of useful information, so this was nice to hear. “Give me a second to get our sound guy.” He hurried over to the merry-go-round. He checked the side of Bobby's mouth for foam and found none. “Hey, Bobby?”

“Monkey?”

“What?”

“Daddy?”

“It's Justin.”

“Oh, hello, Justin. I think I'm a little delirious. You're not wearing a hat, right?”