His Best Friend's Baby (19 page)

Sometimes when she watched him, she could see him get lost in the past, the accident and Mitch. During those times she held her breath, gathering her courage to encourage him to talk about it. She knew he needed to. But so far she hadn’t actually asked him about her past. Couldn’t risk what she had with him.

Julia stopped by the bank and deposited her check. She withdrew the hundred dollars that she owed Amanda for babysitting and an additional thirty dollars.

Tonight she was going to take Ben and Jesse out for dinner.

She couldn’t be more proud if she’d made a four-course meal.

J
ESSE STRUGGLED
to hear that quiet voice that had been telling him to open his mind and his heart to Julia and Ben. Perhaps he couldn’t fully relax and enjoy the first bit of happiness he’d felt in ages, but he could enjoy going out for fried chicken on Friday night with Julia.

Ladd’s Chicken was on the main stretch of downtown New Springs and boasted the best fried chicken in all of Southern California. On Friday nights the whole town waited in line to get their fair share.

The whole town that hated him.

What an idiot
, he thought, wiping his damp hands on the steering wheel,
going to Ladd’s
on a Friday night. Why don’t I just ask for
another fight?

But Julia had been so excited about celebrating her first paycheck and Ben had caught her enthusiasm. Jesse couldn’t look into those bright faces and squash all that hope by refusing to join in.

He guessed the townspeople would do the squashing for him.

“Let’s go, Ben!” Julia cried, swinging Ben around as she lifted him from the car seat.

“Let’s go!” Ben yelled her words back at her and the both of them turned to look eagerly at Jesse.

“Let’s go,” he managed to say.

He climbed out carefully and took Ben’s tiny hand to cross the street. Julia took Ben’s other one completing the image of a family unit that caused Jesse’s heart to clench and
throb with an emotion so painful he stood paralyzed for a moment.

I want this
, he thought.
Why can’t I have
this?

Maybe being among the population of New Springs won’t be that bad, he hoped. Maybe he’d kept a low enough profile for the past few weeks that everyone would be talking about someone else. Maybe he was old news by now.

But as they approached the lineup, he recognized Patrick standing with his wife and Mr. Murphy, the detention monitor at the high school. They looked at him then turned away to whisper into the ears of the people around them. The sideways glances started and Jesse knew that this was the wake-up call his little fantasy life with Julia needed. He didn’t belong here. The people of this town hated him and the feelings were mutual.

He glanced at her, but she smiled and joked with Ben, oblivious to the poison in the air around them. Well, it wouldn’t take long for her to realize she’d thrown her lot in with the wrong man.

J
ULIA FLOATED
inches off the ground, she was sure of it. The sun was shining, the air smelled like fried chicken and piña coladas, which
wasn’t exactly how she imagined her first real date, but at the moment it seemed perfect.

Other people in line glanced at them and Julia blissfully wondered what they saw. A family? A handsome couple?

“You know, Jesse—” She realized Jesse was not with her in this happy place. His jaw was hard and tension rolled off him, strong enough to drop her back to earth.

“Are you okay?” she asked. She touched his arm and his muscle was like steel under his shirt as though he were ready for battle.

“Fine.” His eyes scanned the crowd without ever settling on anyone.

Without ever looking at her.

Her hopes for the night plummeted.

“Julia!”

She turned at her name and found Nell with her boyfriend standing at the bar behind them.

“How’re you doing?”

“We’re good.” Julia nearly laughed with the crazy way her emotions were ricocheting off Jesse’s tension.

“Hey.” Nell’s boyfriend, Ed smiled. “Aren’t you Jesse Filmore?”

“What about it?” Jesse asked, his eyes hostile, the jut of his jaw a promise of violence.

“I went to school over in Ashland. We played you guys for the conference title in football my senior year.”

A slow grin covered Jesse’s face. “That was a heck of a game.”

“You’re only smiling because you won. I was a halfback.”

Jesse nodded. “Me, too.”

Nell rolled her eyes at Julia as the two men recounted their glory days. Julia wanted to shake him.
See
, she wanted to yell.
It’s not as
bad as you think. Give this place a chance
.

Finally, their name was called for a table.

“You want to join us?” Julia asked, relieved that Jesse had found if not a friend then at least someone not caught up in the myth of Mitch.

“We already ate,” Nell said. “Maybe next weekend?”

“Sounds great,” Julia replied with perhaps a bit too much enthusiasm. Jesse cast her a knowing glance from the corner of his eye, as if he suspected she was planning double dates for the next twenty years.

With her son in her arms, her man at her back and her heart in her throat, Julia followed the hostess to their table.

She had not been so happy in years and could
only hope that Jesse’s prejudice against this place wouldn’t destroy her joy.

“Hey!” a man said as they passed his table. Jesse jerked and Julia’s back straightened.

Please, please, don’t let this be something bad
.

The man stood, wiped his shiny fingers on a napkin and held out a hand. “Jesse, good to see you.” Jesse shook the man’s hand with a one quick pump. “I’ve been telling some of my neighbors about the help you gave me with my roof and hot water heater. Hoping to drum up some business for you.”

“I’m not in business,” Jesse said.

“Well, you should be,” the man said with a laugh as he sat again. “Enjoy your meal. I had no idea when I moved out here that I’d be getting the best fried chicken on the planet.”

“It’s good,” Jesse said with a taut smile. “Ice-cream shop next door is even better.”

Julia sighed with the sudden decompression of tension.

They walked on and she shot Jesse a questioning look but he just shrugged. “Never saw anyone make such a big deal about a leak,” he muttered.

“Told you,” she said. “Not everyone wants to talk about the past.” She wanted to say more,
but she bit her tongue rather than add more tension to this outing.

“He’s new in town,” he muttered. But Julia could see the bright red skin under his collar and the reluctant grin at the corner of his mouth.

The man with the leak had gone a long way toward saving her first date with Jesse.

They settled into the far corner of the restaurant. Ben insisted on sitting beside Jesse.

“I don’t know what you’ve done to Ben, but he’s becoming your number-one fan,” Julia said and lifted Ben over the table to Jesse, who settled him in the booster seat.

“The feeling is mutual,” Jesse said, pushing Ben’s curls off his forehead.

Julia lifted her menu to hide the smile she couldn’t contain.

It’s happening
, she thought, giddy with love and success.
It’s all coming together. He’s
going to realize this town isn’t as bad as he
thought. He’ll start his own business here,
rather than in San Diego and we’ll all—

“Well, if it isn’t the hotshot soldier.”

Julia dropped her menu to see a thick, heavy man in a baseball cap come up to Jesse’s shoulder. The restaurant quieted, all eyes on them.

“I don’t want any trouble,” Jesse said quietly. Julia held her breath waiting for the moment to explode.

“That’s not what you were saying when we kicked your ass.” The guy laughed and a few people around them laughed with him and Julia’s heart shattered. This was one of the men Jesse had fought with weeks ago, something she’d managed to forget about, as though it had happened to someone else entirely.

“I’m saying it now. I just want to have dinner.” Jesse looked up at the man and Julia felt chilled at his hard cold black eyes.

“We don’t see you much over at Billy’s anymore.”

“I’m not much of a drinker,” Jesse said. “Why don’t you move along.”

The guy leaned down right in Jesse’s face. “Why don’t you kiss my—”

“Come on, Mike.” A brunette in a tight top pulled on the guy’s arm. “Let’s just go home.”

Mike snapped his arm free and straightened, allowing Julia to finally take a breath.

“I’ll see you around,” he said, dripping with snide disrespect. “You enjoy that dinner.”

He left and Julia set down the menu and leaned across the table.

“Jesse?” she whispered, painfully aware that people were staring at them. Jesse didn’t answer, he studied his menu as if he were alone. And he was, she realized. In his mind, Jesse was all alone. Always had been and, she feared, always would be.

A waitress appeared. “What do you want?” she asked and Julia flinched at her tone. The girl could have taken everyone’s order that way but it felt personal right now. It felt like another attack.

“We’ll have two white-meat half dinners,” Jesse said. “And a chicken leg for the boy.”

She nodded and vanished.

Jesse cast his gaze over those people seated close to them, the ones still watching, and they all turned away.

He smiled at that, as if their actions confirmed that he’d been right all along. She didn’t recognize him when he smiled that way.

“Let’s just go,” she nearly cried. All of the hard work, the inroads to his guilt and unhappiness that she’d made the past week, were crumbling under her feet.

“You wanted to come here,” he told her. “So we’re going to stay.” His eyes glittered. “This
is my life in this town, Julia,” he said. “This is who I am here.”

“No, it’s not.” She shook her head and reached to grab his hand, but he pulled away.

“I’m not who you think I am, Julia. That man doesn’t exist. I’ve been trying to tell you that for weeks.”

Dinner was silent and painful from that point. Ben was fussy and keyed up from the tension between Julia and Jesse. She tried to distract Ben with a few toys and crackers. For herself, she couldn’t eat anything and as if to spite her, as if to make sure she wrung every moment of misery from this night, Jesse ate his meal and then hers with excruciating slowness. But finally, they walked out to the sensation of dozens of eyes tracking them.

They exited the building and Julia sighed with relief.

“Thank God, that’s over,” she muttered.

But just outside the door, in the lineup, a woman stopped them. She was older, gray and hunched over with age, but the hate in her eyes was fresh. Real. Behind her an older man pulled out a cell phone.

Jesse swore under his breath and moved farther away from her.

“You’re Mitch’s widow, aren’t you?” the woman asked, her voice cracking with indignation.

Julia could only nod and hug Ben close.

“And that’s his little boy?” she asked.

“Let’s go,” Julia whispered, ignoring the woman.

“You should be ashamed of yourself. After a good man like Mitch you’re going to lie down with this animal?” the woman said and Julia flinched. She turned to Jesse, who stared at the woman, his beautiful lips twisted with ugly, cynical mirth.

“Good to see you, too, Mrs. Alistair,” he said with terrible, fake cheer.

“You monster, you have no business—”

“Have a good night,” he said. “Give my best to Agnes and Ron.”

He curled his hand around Julia’s elbow and tugged her away. Julia went, drifting in his wake, moored by his hard grip on her elbow.

She’d stumbled into another earthquake and the fault line ran right between them.

She’d wanted to prove him wrong, show him that he belonged in this place, that the past was the past and the only person still holding him accountable was himself.

It had backfired. And the distance between them seemed insurmountable now.

When we get home
, she thought, clinging to hope like a lifeboat in a storm,
we’ll sit outside,
and watch the stars come out. We’ll talk about
this. I’ll kiss him and tell him I love him. That
will fix things. We’ll make love and it will be
okay
.

BLOOD RAN
in Jesse’s mouth from the force with which he’d been biting his tongue. He’d wanted to stand up in that place and scream at his accusers. Tell them all of Mitch’s sins, every secret he’d ever kept for the man, all of which had ruined his own name.

Jesse wanted a clean slate, a fresh start. But even as the urge filled him, he knew it was fruitless.

His only fresh start would be out of this town. He’d fooled himself long enough. He thought of Rachel, Mac, Amanda and his new niece or nephew and his chest went tight. He ignored it. He could convince Julia to go with him. There was no way she’d want to stay so close to Mitch’s folks after all the stunts Agnes had pulled. She’d realize that they had a better chance of making it work if they left New Springs.

Once they got back to the house, Julia took
Ben into the bedroom to read to him and put him to bed. Jesse grabbed his cell phone and made the call he should have made long ago.

“Are you postponing this again?” Chris asked as soon as he picked up. “You said a week, two weeks ago.”

“No, I am calling to give you a definite date. But it’s two weeks from now.” Jesse ran his hand through his hair. Cedar shake? Was he nuts? Putting that shit up was like surgery. He should have just tarred it and called it quits. But Julia had come into his life and screwed with his brain, his plan, his whole damn life.

“Jesse, this is getting crazy.” Chris laughed. “If you want to stay there, just stay there.”

“I don’t want to stay here, it’s just been tougher leaving than I expected.”

“Then don’t. Look, man, there will always be a job here for you if you want it. But—”

“I want it.”

“The heat is off you. I hired some men so I’m not dying. If you need to stay—”

“Chris.” Jesse sighed, rubbed his forehead. “I absolutely promise I will be done here and in San Diego by the end of the month. I swear.” His pacing took him to the kitchen window so
he turned and saw Julia standing in the door to the kitchen.

“Okay, Jesse. But let me tell you, you sound like a guy stuck between a rock and hard place and I don’t want to be the hard place. Take your time, do what you have to do.”

“See you in two weeks,” Jesse muttered, his eyes still on Julia’s.

He hung up and tossed the phone on the table.

JESSE’S WORDS RANG IN
Julia’s ears. She turned toward the bathroom, desperate to be alone to scream and cry into the pillows that smelled like him.

Oh, God, she’d done it again. She’d done what she always did, letting her foolish heart lead her into dangerous places.

Fool. Fool. Fool
.

Tears burned but she blinked them back as she walked past him. She would not cry in front of him. Not now, not after he so easily dismissed her.

She’d almost reached the dark hallway when he grabbed her elbow.

You are stone. You are untouched. He can’t
hurt you
.

“Let me go,” she said, aiming for fierce and
angry with her tone but landing closer to weepy and vulnerable.

“You knew all along,” he whispered.

She nodded and anger chased hurt through her body. “I did. I knew all along. When you were helping me and laughing with me and kissing me and using—”

“Stop it!” He shook her arm. “You know it’s not like that.”

She wrenched her arm free and stepped close. Anger dried her tears and her vision suddenly cleared. She saw Jesse for what he was—a man caught in the past, lost and blinded by his old wounds.

“You’re lying to yourself Jesse. It’s exactly like that. You wanted me, you had me and now you’re leaving,” she spat the truth in his face.

“Julia, I’m sorry,” he said the words on a heavy sigh.

“For what?” she cried, her emotions tumbling faster than she could keep up. She was manic—near tears and near murder. “You never lied. You told me this wasn’t forever. I’ve got until the end of the month, right?”

“Julia, I want you and Ben to come with me. Come to San Diego. We’ll get a place on the beach. We’ll make a fresh start, we’ll try for real.”

His words spun a web around her, a cocoon of wishful thinking, daydreams and fairy tales. Her heart leaped with the sudden painful force with which she wanted that house and life on a beach with Jesse.

A fresh start.

Another
fresh start.

How many more could she take?

How many more times could she move Ben?

How many more men could she follow into the unknown?

She blinked. Shook her head as if to force those negative questions from her mind, but they took root and spread. She didn’t want to leave. She wanted the life she was building here.

And he was running from the life he’d built here.

“You’re more like your sister than you thought, Jesse,” she finally managed to say.

“What do you mean?”

“She ran fifteen years ago. So did you. You ran into the army and you’re running now.”

Jesse sighed as if weary. “I’m not running. I’m making a choice—a choice for a better life.”

“What’s better than what you’re building here?”

He looked at her aghast. “You were there tonight, Julia. You saw what this town thinks of me.”

“I saw one guy with a big mouth. That’s all. And that will be forgotten in no time. But I also saw another guy stand up and shake your hand, boasting to his friends about the work you did. I saw Nell and her boyfriend talk to you. I see your niece and your sister and Mac.” She swallowed. “I see a life here that I want.”

“What are you saying?” he asked.

“I’m saying that I can’t go with you. I can’t start over again. I’m thinking of myself and Ben. For once.”

His jaw turned to stone and his eyes to glass. “So that’s it? It’s over?”

“You’re the one leaving.”

“I don’t have a choice!” he nearly shouted and she flinched.

“Everyone has a choice, Jesse. You can either choose to stay or to go.”

He laughed bitter and angry. “Well, I’m leaving in two weeks. What are you going to do then, Julia? Where will you go? Where will you live? With Agnes and Ron?”

Her heart stopped before resurging. She felt her face go hot. An answering anger built in her.

“It’s not your problem. It’s not your business.”

“It is my business. You’re Mitch’s widow. You’re living in my house.”

His words crushed her. That’s all she was to him, all she’d ever been. Another one of Mitch’s mistakes he had to deal with. Another mess he had to clean up.

“I’m relieving you of it. I’m just another girl you slept with. You are free from worry.”

He took a step toward her, his face dark and cloudy with emotion, and she didn’t care. She had enough anger for a thousand lovesick and heartbroken women. His self-righteousness didn’t stand a chance. “How much money do you have?”

Why did everything in her life come to money? “None of your business.”

“You’re getting paid minimum wage out there, right?”

“I might get promoted.” She sounded indignant, like Amanda, even to her own ears.

“To what, eight bucks an hour?”

“I’m not going to talk—” She turned, ready to walk back to her napping son and the sweet relief of tears, but Jesse slid his hand down her arm, almost like a caress.

“Let me give you some money.”

She jerked her elbow out of his grasp. “Not on your life.”

“You can stay in this house.”

She laughed until she hurt. Was he really that blind to her pride?

“What do you want?” he asked, his face twisted with a pain she recognized.

They’d been ignoring the pink elephant in the room since she’d first stepped onto his porch weeks ago. She’d walked around it, pretending it didn’t matter, hoping it might just go away the more time they had together. But their time was up. The accident, Mitch’s death and Jesse’s survival combined to be the wedge between them. Even if the town had accepted him with open arms tonight, he’d still want to leave. Tonight, two weeks, two months from now, it didn’t matter. He would run forever unless he unloaded his burden. This was her last chance to talk about his tangled past and push it out of the way.

“I want you to tell me what happened.” She swallowed. “In the desert with Mitch.”

He looked at her, incredulous. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Because that’s why you’re really leaving me. Whatever happened in the war is what
you’re really running from and if you don’t deal with it, Jesse, it’s going to eat you alive.”

“What a load of crap.”

“Then why haven’t you called Caleb? Your sister said he’s been trying to get in touch with you. You said you’d call.”

“Jesus, why does it matter?”

“You can’t,” she whispered, “because you’re scared.”

His eyes flashed to hers but he was silent.

“You’re scared because he’s going to want to talk about that day. Like I want to talk about it.”

“It has nothing to do with us.”

“I love you.” She finally said the words that had been beating at her lips forever, it seemed. “I’ve loved you since Germany and the accident is taking you away from me.”

“Julia.” He sighed. “I can’t.”

“Tell me, Jesse,” she snapped. “I deserve to know what happened. At the very least, I deserve that.”

The moment stretched impossibly, to the finest, thinnest wires. She held her breath until she thought her lungs would explode and just when she was ready to give up, Jesse opened his mouth.

“It won’t make a difference,” he told her. “I’m still leaving.”

“It will make a difference to me, because I’m still staying.”

It took a few more moments before he spoke again and in that time she gave up the fight against tears. They trickled down her cheeks and over her lips. They tasted salty, like Jesse.

“They were late. Six minutes.” He shook his head and shut his eyes. “I sat at the meeting place waiting for Mitch and the crew to fly in the helicopter for six long minutes. Gomez was barely conscious. He was bleeding out, pressure low, heartbeat faint. He had zero time left. Finally they showed up. They’d taken on enemy fire and been hit. They were leaking fuel. Not bad—” he shrugged “—but enough.”

“Enough for what?” Julia whispered, worried that too loud a voice would scare him away.

Jesse stumbled back, bumped the table and grabbed the Formica for balance.

“Mitch wanted to head to another base. A smaller one—closer, but with limited medical resources.” His laugh was bitter and small. “No medical resources. Gomez would have died.”

“So you said no?”

“Uncle Sam couldn’t afford to have another
dead journalist in the media, mucking up public opinion of the war. So I was supposed to break Gomez out of that prison and Mitch and his men were transport and firepower. Gomez was the mission. I thought Mitch was scared and—” he flexed his hand and squeezed again “—I was pissed. I was pissed because I knew once Mitch was fired on, he’d fire back. He was late because he’d engaged the enemy when our orders had been not to engage the enemy, under no circumstances.”

“That sounds like Mitch.”

“I ignored his warnings. He said we were losing too much fuel. That we wouldn’t make it.”

“But you made it,” Julia said stupidly.

“I made it,” Jesse growled. “I made it. We crashed and I got Gomez out but I couldn’t—” He broke off. “They burned. Artie, Dave, Mitch.”

“Jesse, that’s all terrible but it’s not—”

“If we’d gone to the other base, Mitch would be here. Mitch and Dave and Artie would all be here.”

“But Caleb would have died.” She realized that was the equation that tore him apart. Three soldiers or one journalist? His best friend and loyal squad mates, or a man he’d never met before?

Mortal men had no business playing with these decisions. The price was high and cut deep through his entire life.

Failure. Death. Either way.

“Jesse,” she sobbed. “You did the best you could.”

“I chose someone else over Mitch. A stranger. And now Mitch is dead and for what?” he asked, his eyes burning. “To teach Mitch a lesson? Because I was mad?” He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and turned away from her, but she didn’t let him get away. She slid her hands over his arms, touched as much of him as she could, held him as close as she could while tears ran hot down her face.

“You followed orders,” she whispered against his back.

“Good for me. I’m a hell of a soldier.” She could hear the sneer in his voice.

“You can’t blame yourself for this.” She leaned around his shoulder to see his face, stunned that he did blame himself for the accident, for Mitch.

“The blame has to go somewhere and I’m the only one here, Julia. I’m the only one alive.”

“Thank God,” she said on a choked voice. “Thank God you’re here.”

He pushed away from her. “This doesn’t change anything, Julia.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I don’t need your forgiveness.” He turned to face her, his expression a stone mask she couldn’t see behind. “You forgive the unforgivable, that’s what you do. It doesn’t mean anything.”

She stumbled backward, slashed by his words. Her chest hurt so much she could barely breathe.

“It’s better this way,” he said. “You wanted to move on. You need to move on—”

She whirled on him. All of her grief evaporated in a white flare of rage. “How dare you,” she whispered, surprised when fire didn’t flare from her lips. “How dare you tell me what I need.”

For a second she thought the knocking sound was simply her heart struggling to erupt from her chest, but then she realized the frantic pounding was coming from the door.

She stomped over to the door and threw it open.

Agnes, wild-eyed and trembling, stood in the doorway. Ron was behind her like some sort of guardian over his berserk wife. He put a hand on her shoulder as if reining her in.

Perfect.

“I couldn’t believe it when the Alistairs said you were here,” Agnes said, her white lips barely moving.

“Well, surprise,” Julia snapped.

“You never dreamed she’d be in my house,” Jesse said quietly over her shoulder. His acceptance of Ron and Agnes’s blame and anger infuriated Julia even more.