Holding a Tender Heart (4 page)

O
n Saturday morning the sunlight filtered through the campus trees on the lawn of Franklin & Marshall, the rays falling on the rows of tasseled students. Debbie straightened her chair, pulling up on one leg that had dug into the dirt. She twisted sideways a fraction of an inch. If these speeches kept on much longer, she would tip over and fall flat on her face. What a sight that would make on one's graduation day.

She glanced across the lawn and saw her mom and dad looking her way. They smiled and waved. They were thrilled with her accomplishment even if she wasn't. Lois, seated beside them, absolutely beamed—almost as if this were her graduation. It was a miracle she was even here. Bishop Beiler had raised his eyebrows when Lois had asked him if she could attend the ceremony. Debbie thought she'd even seen a look of fear cross his face. She figured the bishop was worried that if he wasn't flexible to some degree, his youngest daughter would defy his wishes, now that she was of age, and jump the fence into the
Englisha
world for good.

The bishop had looked at Debbie for a moment before he seemed to relax.

Did the sight of me comfort him?
she wondered. Maybe he figured Lois was safe in her company. Maybe he hoped she'd be able to dim
Lois's rosy view of
Englisha
life. Debbie knew that was doubtful. Still, it did warm her heart. She—an
Englisha
girl—had the confidence of an Amish bishop on such a grave matter.

Debbie jerked herself out of her thoughts. The president of Franklin & Marshall, Dr. Elmer Towers, had approached the podium. She turned her full attention to him. The professor had always impressed her as a man worthy of attention. At least in the brief contacts she'd had with him during the four years she'd attended classes.

Dr. Towers cleared his throat away from the mike before he began to speak. “I welcome all of you today. This is a moment of great importance, not only for our students who graduate today, but for their families and our faculty. I give a heartfelt thanks to all who have played a part in the formation of the minds of this graduating class. To you, to our professors, to our staff, and to the relatives and friends gathered here, I give my congratulations.”

As the crowd clapped, Debbie's thoughts drifted. The Beiler family ought to receive thanks for her decent childhood. Her mom and dad had played their parts—very important parts, and she didn't wish to belittle that—but in the depths of her soul unseen hands from the farm down the road had always been active. Those hands had molded her into a creature who didn't fit into the world she lived in.

Dr. Towers continued. “We at Franklin and Marshall endeavor to continue the great traditions on which this university was founded. We seek the development of students in liberal arts and in life itself. No one is an island unto themselves. As we promote the growth of character and the love of learning in those who pass through these hallowed halls, we all in some measure promote our own well-being.”

Another round of applause interrupted Dr. Towers. When it died down, he wrapped up his remarks. “With that being said, I will delay no longer. Congratulations to our fine graduates who have completed this stage of their journey in education. Let us begin awarding the much-deserved diplomas.”

Dr. Towers stepped back. The graduating students formed a line,
and several professors took assigned places on the platform. Debbie moved forward when her turn came. She approached the lectern and heard her name spoken over the loud speakers.

“Debbie Watson, with a BA in sociology and a minor in anthropology, with honors.”

She marched up, shook the hand of the head of the sociology department, and whispered, “Thank you.” She moved through the crowd snapping photographs and returned to her seat. The minutes ticked by until finally the last student was through the line. The ceremony wrapped up with a raucous cry from the graduating class and mortarboards tossed into the air. With a great heave, Debbie flung her cap upward. She'd earned this celebration with hard work and diligence. For better or worse she was now a college graduate! She was bound for a life of participation in the great American Dream. What that was, she had no idea, but it felt good to think it at this moment surrounded by her shouting fellow graduates.

As the crowd broke up, Debbie found her mom and dad and gave them both quick hugs.

Lois nearly squeezed the air out of Debbie's lungs with her embrace. “That was so
wunderbah
!” Lois gushed. “I've never seen anything like it in all my life. And those professors, Debbie! Did you actually study under them? They looked so wise and learned. I thought I was going to pass clear out.”

Debbie laughed. “Life isn't always what things are cooked up to be, Lois. Remember that.”

Lois didn't listen though. She grabbed the diploma from Debbie's hand and stared at it with wide eyes. “Oh, Debbie, you're such an important person now. Bound for a
wunderbah
life in the
real
world. Aren't you just bubbling over with joy and happiness?”

“I don't know about that,” Debbie managed. She turned her attention to her father and mother. “Are we going out to eat?”

Her dad grinned. “Of course! We have to celebrate this great occasion. We're very proud of you, Debbie. You did great!”

“Thank you!” Debbie whispered, holding back the tears. Her
accomplishment did mean a lot to her dad even if she didn't appreciate it fully.

“Let's go then,” her mother said. “Enough tears for one day. I could use a good lunch myself before we drive back. I'm starving.”

“What shall it be then?” her dad asked as he led the way to the car.

Lois, still excited, bounced up and down on her toes and lingered to look over her shoulder, as if she wished to etch the occasion deep into her memory.

“Anything's good enough,” Debbie said, as she watched her friend's antics. Debbie mainly wanted to get out of this place. Now that she had her diploma, life had already moved on. Doug would pick her up tonight for their date. Well, sort of a date. And she needed to get things straight in her mind on what she was going to tell him. So far nothing she'd prepared would make him happy.

“Then why not a fast-food joint?” her dad suggested. “Then we'll be on our way faster.”

No one objected as they climbed into the car and made their way to the freeway. Lois gazed starry-eyed at the passing buildings as if she'd never seen them before. A few minutes later as they sat eating hamburgers at Wendy's, Lois blurted out, “Do you think I could attend college, Debbie? Get a diploma like you just did?”

Debbie's dad spoke up with a wry look on his face. “College is expensive.”

“Now, Herbert!” Debbie's mom said as she slapped him gently on the arm. “You know we gladly paid Debbie's college expenses. Don't make her feel bad about that. And don't disparage a young girl's dream—even if she is Amish.” She gave Lois a soft smile.

Debbie's dad responded, “You're right, Callie. I'm sorry.”

Debbie's heart sank a bit—not at the thought of the expenses her parents paid for her education but at the reaction Bishop Beiler would have when Lois announced her desire to attend college. That would
not
be a happy moment. So much for Bishop Beiler's trust in her.

Her mom spoke to Lois encouragingly. “College is a long, hard road, dear, though a worthy one. I'm glad you're so excited. We had to work on Debbie a while before she would enroll.”

“You
had
to?” Lois sounded incredulous. “You have no idea how excited I am. I see now better than ever that there's a whole world just waiting out here to explore.”

Have mercy on us all!
Debbie groaned under her breath. Bishop Beiler would never allow her on his place again.

Her mom glowed and stared at Lois. “That's certainly a refreshing attitude for a young woman to have.”

Debbie interrupted them. “Lois is Amish, Mom. For crying out loud! Don't encourage such things for her. Bishop Beiler will be most displeased.”

Her mother remained silent and glanced away.

Lois spoke up and fairly snapped, “I'm of age now. I should be allowed some decisions of my own. Look at Verna and Ida. They're both at home yet and still single. All because
Daett
won't approve their boyfriends. I'm not going to be like them. I'm going to strike out on my own.”

Debbie tried not to gasp. She knew the family well, but even this was inside information she hadn't been privy to. The Amish usually kept such thoughts within the family and community. She was sure Lois wasn't supposed to spill information about their family conflicts in public.

Her mother looked horrified. “Your father oversees your sisters' dating habits…and yours? At such an age, Lois? Why, that's going a little far, I say.”

Lois had sobered by now. She looked like she knew too much had been said.

Debbie's mom added, “I certainly encourage you to think about moving out, Lois. No child should hang around the house—not longer than is necessary. That's what I've always believed. Staying too long breeds dependency and destroys character, if nothing else.”

Now Lois clearly tried to extract herself from her earlier outburst. “I'm sure that's right, Mrs. Watson, but
Daett
is very concerned about his children.”

“Watch what you say, Callie,” Herbert said, jumping into the conversation with a quiet laugh. “We still have Debbie at home with us.”

Debbie felt a sting at her mother's words. Did she think she was being a sponge at home? That she was there only to live off them? In a way she did, but only because…

“Well,” Debbie's dad said as he stood and brushed the crumbs off his hands, “that was good. Let's head on home.”

Debbie didn't move. “What did you mean about children moving out as soon as possible, Mom?”

“Oh nothing, Debbie.” Her mother waved her hand as if the thought had already vanished into thin air. She tidied up the table and then stood.

Debbie wasn't about to let it pass. “Mom, tell me what you meant. Do you want me to move out right away?”

“Debbie, don't be silly,” her dad chided as he laughed. “I'd miss you if you weren't there. And of course your mom didn't mean it quite the way it sounded. She was pontificating in theory, in general terms.”

Callie glared at him. “That's what you think I do, Herbert? Pontificate?”

Herbert grimaced. “Callie, dear, that's only an expression. Look, let's get back to the house. I have things that need to be done.”

Debbie still didn't move although her dad was halfway to the door. Lois might be restricted from talking about family problems, but she wasn't. “Mom, please!”

Her mom faced her. “I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, Debbie, but I do worry sometimes. While you attended college I could rationalize you still living at home, but now…”

Debbie stood up. The pain her mom's words caused burned deep.
And the worst thing was Debbie knew they were true. At least in their world. Now in Lois's world daughters stayed home past the time they came of age without any disgrace attached to it.

“Look, dear,” Callie began again. “I'm sure you'll be on your own in good time. You just haven't mentioned it. Let's not quarrel on your graduation day.”

Debbie allowed herself to be led out the door, with Lois tagging along. But inside her heart, Debbie realized she'd never be able to satisfy her mother. She itemized some of the reasons. She'd accepted a menial job that really didn't require a degree, she had no steady boyfriend, and there was nothing in her life that met her mother's standards. Debbie would always be playing catch-up to the way her mom thought her life should be.

Debbie turned her attention back to Lois. However badly she felt right now, she would feel a whole lot worse when Lois told her dad about her desire to attend college. Somehow she had to wipe that thought out of Lois's mind—and fast! But how? Her friend seemed as stuck on being different from the life she knew as Debbie was. Debbie climbed into the car and chuckled softly. It was funny…yet it wasn't.

“What's the joke?” Lois asked.

Debbie shook her head. “Just thinking, that's all.”

“If you move out, you could come live with us,” Lois said, all smiles. “I'd like that.”

“I don't think that would work,” Debbie said absently.

“I'd still like it,” Lois chirped.

Debbie glanced out the window. Lois would indeed love it if someone from the
Englisha
world lived at her house, but it was out of the question. She couldn't move into the Beiler home. The bishop would never allow such a thing…or would he? Debbie pondered the question all the way back to Snyder County and home.

Four