Love and Muddy Puddles (6 page)

When Mum and Dad finally came up to my room to try to cheer me up (ha!) I was face down again on the bed. This time I didn’t care about the mascara streaks on the pillows. Black marks on purple satin are tiny problems when the rest of your life is ruined.

They tapped on the door and pushed it open tentatively.

“Coco?” said Mum. “Can we come in?”

I stayed with my face down and didn’t even answer. There didn’t seem to be much point. They were going to do what they were going to do anyway, and nothing I said was going to make any difference.

Mum took silence to be agreement and tiptoed in like she was trying to save my feelings or my dignity or something. Dad followed her, looking around in surprise. I didn’t think he’d been up here since I was about eight. He sat awkwardly on my beanbag with his knees up to his ears and fingered a velvet cushion as though he had never seen one before.

I flipped over onto my back, but I kept my eyes firmly fixed on the ceiling.

“Coco, sweetie,” said Mum, sitting down on my bed beside me and trying to put her arm around me. “I know this is all a big shock, but why aren’t you at least trying to see the positives?”

I shrugged off her hand and moved my eyes to the corner of the room.

“Oh come on honey,” she said. “You have to at least talk about it. Look, we’re here together. We want to talk about it with you.”

I steeled my face and sat up, turning my back to Dad and completely ignoring him.

“Did 
you
 know about this?” I asked her accusingly. “How can you just sit there and let Dad pull a huge life change onto us all with no warning at all? And then just 
agree 
to it. I mean, who knew 
any
 of this?”

“Well, it’s not quite true that there was no warning at all,” said Mum. She shifted back and looked at me oddly. “I mean, Dad’s been talking about being unhappy in his job for at least a year now and the bank has been cutting staff for a year and a half. Surely you knew that? And we went for that holiday down the coast and we were looking in real estate windows... you remember that, right?”

All I remembered was a boring trip away last year staying in a daggy cabin on a smelly farm, with no shopping malls worth visiting, patchy mobile service, bad cafe food and Josh being mean to me. Oh, and the world’s best pies. Yeah, right.

“This whole thing came from 
that?
” I said. “But that was like, months ago. And you always look in real estate windows all the time, wherever we go. I thought that was just one of the weird things parents do.”

Mum looked at me, slightly confused. “Yes, but normally when people look in real estate windows it means they just might be looking for real estate, right? Anyway, you knew that lots of people from Dad’s firm were being offered redundancies starting about six weeks ago, didn’t you? If Dad didn’t lose his job now, he almost certainly would have in the future. He took the redundancy this week.” Now she looked frustrated. “Surely we told you this? I 
know
 we told you this. Weren’t you listening?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess. I don’t really pay much attention to that stuff. But anyway, this is different. I didn’t think you’d do anything like this. It’s another whole step to go and buy a farm and move to the country and build a house and home school! It’s going to be terrible for us all!”

Dad spoke up. He was still squashed into my beanbag. “Actually, Coco, I think it’s going to be amazing for us all.” He fought his way out of a pile of cushions and stood up.

“This is an opportunity for our family to be together in a way that we’ll never have again,” he said. “You guys are all growing up. And I’ve been working way too many hours for too long.”

His face got all excited and his hands started whirling around. “I just think we need to spend time with each other before life takes over and we start to head off in separate directions.”

Hmmmph!
 I thought to myself, pursing my lips. 
You’re just taking me in your direction and I don’t want to go.
 But
 
Dad didn’t seem to notice my face. He just kept on talking.

“This is something we can all do together as a family so that we spend more time together. I read a book this year that made me really think about stuff, and I think we need to do something meaningful together. Basically we need some adventure in our lives.”

His face was all lit up, like a little boy who has just been given a new puppy.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for years, but I never talked about it because I never thought it could happen. And then I guess I wanted to surprise you all. It seemed like it would make it even more of an adventure.”

I raised my eyebrows. “What about Mum? It seems a bit mean to spring something like this on her out of the blue.”

“I’ll admit he took me by surprise,” Mum said. She moved over to sit at my dressing table. “But I have to say I’m not really shocked. It’s been a little secret dream of mine too. Living cooped up in the city has never been my favourite thing.”

Dad made a move to sit next to me. He was trying to make amends, but I wasn’t about to let him.

“Come on, Coco,” he said, putting an arm around me. “It’s not going to be that bad. Surely you can get over the shock and think positively. There must be 
something 
that gets your imagination excited about all of this.”

I pulled away and played with the tassel of the purple cushion on my lap. I couldn’t talk. I just felt like I was going to cry. I had a black pit in my stomach and a burning volcano in my head.

“Isn’t there anything you like at all?” he said again.

“No,” I sputtered. “I can honestly say that there is 
nothing
 I like about this plan. Nothing at all. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. It just all feels like I’m in a bad dream.”

I was pretending to look away, trying to keep the tears in, but I saw Mum and Dad exchange a look. Mum shrugged her shoulders and Dad made a face. He nodded at Mum as if to say, ‘go on, tell her.’

“Look,” said Mum. She had her ‘lets-all-calm-down’ voice on. When she uses it, it sounds like she’s talking to little kids. I think it used to work on Charlie and me when we were five, but it hasn’t since then.

“Coco. Sweetie. Why don’t you agree to give it a year? If you really, really hate being on the farm after twelve months, we can work out something. Maybe you can come back to Sydney for school and be a boarder. We don’t want you to be unhappy, really truly. That’s not what this is about. But we think it would be good to give the whole thing a try. Just for a year.”

I turned over on the bed in a thump and glared fiercely at the ceiling. The top of my purple canopy mosquito net quivered from the jolt. I knew I was beaten. Screaming and fighting any more was never going to change it. I had to give in. But I wasn’t going to give in completely. I still had some weapons up my sleeve.

“All right,” I said, between clenched teeth. “I will give it a year. But I can tell you this. I’m 
not
 going to be happy. I’m 
not
 going to like it. And I’m 
definitely 
coming back to Sydney as soon as the year is over.”

Mum and Dad raised their eyebrows at each other.

“That’s my girl,” said Dad, and he reached out to stroke my head.

I rolled out of his reach, stuck my head up and looked at him full in the face.

“Stop it Dad. I’m only doing this because I have no choice. Okay, sure, I’ll do the year. I’ll stick it out. But just so you know how angry I am, I’m not going to talk to you for the next twelve months.”

“Coco!” said Mum. “Don’t be rude to your father!” Her face was red and her eyes were flashing.

“No Deborah,” said Dad, “it’s ok. If she can’t talk to me yet, that’s fine.” He looked surprisingly calm and unworried. “It was a shock. She probably needs some time to be on her own now.”

He stood up and went to usher Mum out of the door. “Come on, let’s go downstairs. She’ll come down when she’s ready.”

Much you know,
 I thought furiously. 
I’ll never be ready.
 But I went down anyway, stomping my feet and tossing my hair and making sure that they knew I was still cross. There was birthday cake down there and I wasn’t going to miss out on my once a year tiramisu just because my dad had turned into the world’s biggest nutcase.

On the bus to school the next day, Samantha was shocked and then firm.

“You definitely can’t tell,” she said, shaking her head. “Not even one word. If Saffron and Tiger found out about any of it, you’d be dropped straight away. And if you’re coming back in a year, like your mum said you can, it’s best just to keep it quiet.”

“I know,” I said, half groaning, “but how can I explain a whole year away? I can’t say we’re going overseas. For a start, I’m a hopeless liar and when I come back they’ll know I haven’t been in France or wherever for a year because all I can say is ‘bonjour’ in a really bad accent.”

“I’ve got an idea,” said Sam, sitting up in her seat and turning towards me. “You said that Charlie got a horse-riding helmet for her birthday. On a farm you’re probably going to learn to ride, right? And you will be changing schools, kind of, yeah?”

“Yes...” I said, curious.

“Well, why don’t we say that you’re going to some sort of exclusive equestrian boarding school in the country—I don’t know—in another state even, with Charlie for a year?” she said. “You can tell everyone, which is kind of true, that your parents really want you to learn to ride well. And you can make it up that the school is so exclusive and strict and stuff that boarders aren’t allowed to have phones or use Skype or email or anything. So that way you won’t get anyone visiting you or finding out what’s actually going on.”

My eyes widened and the anxious pain in my neck I’d been carrying around since slamming my door the night before seemed to slide down my back and into the bus upholstery.

“That might work you know,” I said slowly. “It’s not too much of a lie that it’s completely wrong. It’s just kind of bending the truth. But it might work out so that I finish up not being too much of a loser.”

I smiled at Samantha and put on the silly voice that we use when we say serious things. It’s kind of a cross between an American and a Scottish accent.

“You’re a lifesaver and a true friend. Don’t ever change!”

She grinned and shook her hand up near her face, like she was trying to cool down.

“I’m good, huh?” she said in her matching silly accent. “Oh yes, sometimes I can’t believe how good I am. I’m sneaky and crafty! Just call me ‘the manager’.”

I pretended to punch her in the arm and she shrank back in mock horror. “Watch out, you’ll get my uniform grubby, you muddy little farm animal!”

I rolled my eyes and looked at my fingers, examining my manicure.

“Ha! You say that like it’s funny. Can you imagine? Last night Dad was saying things like we’ll live in a pig shed.” I shuddered. So did Sam. “And we’ll be building a house! My nails are going to be shot after the first week!”

“Ssh,” warned Sam, looking around as if she was expecting to see Tiger Lily in the next seat. “If you want to keep it a secret, you really can’t talk about it. From now until you go, you’re sticking to the story. You’re going off to learn dressage and show jumping and horsey stuff. And you’re coming back to school at the end of the year. No mud, no building and especially no pig sheds.”

The bus was pulling up to school and as we got off, I made a face and pretended to zip my mouth shut and throw away the key. Sam made a movement like she was catching it and putting it in her pocket.

“Your secret is safe with me,” she said dramatically and pushed me along. “Now go. Be popular and beautiful. And quiet!”

It was tricky. I actually have always been a person who likes to talk a lot. If my head is full of thoughts, I tend to blurt them out regardless of where I am or who’s listening. It was something I wanted to change about myself because it’s kind of uncool. Silent, aloof girls who have a single witty comment to throw in at exactly the right place seem way more attractive.

So far I’d worked really hard to hold my tongue around Saffron, Tiger and the others. I wanted them to see me as cool, intelligent and unconcerned. But now I really did have to keep my mouth shut. This was a secret that I had to keep. My reputation and my entire social future depended on it!

“So, everyone’s coming to Westfield this afternoon?” Saffron said at recess, a piece of delicately wrapped sushi heading from her ultra-chic lunch box towards her lightly glossed mouth. She opened her mouth slightly and just kind of absorbed the sushi, hardly moving her jaw to chew. I was mesmerised by the way she ate. No, actually, that’s not entirely true. I was mesmerised by the way she did everything. I couldn’t get over how one person could be so perfect.

“Monday afternoon is shopping time,” Tiger Lily said, with a sideways glance to me, as if to explain. I nodded furiously so I could show that yes, I knew and that yes, I was free and wanted to go, and then I realised that I was looking a bit too keen so I pulled back on the nodding and said in what I thought was a cool, unconcerned sort of voice, “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Um, yep, I can come.”

“Nail polish!” said Lise, suddenly, holding up her hand to the light. She had a worried expression on her face and Isabella came to her rescue.

“I see what you mean. Wow, Lise. What is with your nails? Didn’t you get another bottle last time we went?” she asked.

Lise shook her head furiously. “Forgot!” she said mournfully. Her big blue puppy dog eyes seemed so upset that I wanted to help her feel better.

“Oh I need to get some too,” I said looking around at the group, “so that’s good. We can get it at the same place. It’s so annoying that we can’t wear anything at school but pink.”

There was a short silence. Lise looked at Isabella and Saffron glanced sideways at Tiger who began an eye roll before Saffron put her hand on her arm like a warning.

“No, it’s ok,” she said calmly tossing her ponytail. “She’s still learning.”

My heart sank. Obviously I had made a huge error but I had no idea what it was. If that wasn’t bad enough, I started to feel my face beginning to turn pink. A ray of shame crawled up my spine. 
Go away, go away, go away
, I thought to myself, trying to get control of my face.

Saffron leant in to me.

“Coco, we don’t wear pink nail polish,” she said, very seriously. She was saying it kindly, as though she really wanted to help me.

“Everyone else does that. But we’re not like everyone else. As you know.” She said it meaningfully.

I nodded, grateful for her time.

“Oh, I know, I mean...” I stumbled. “I just.. I didn’t...”

“It’s okay,” she said. Her face was reassuring, and then suddenly flinty. “Just don’t say it again.”

I hardly trusted what might come out of my mouth, so I kept it closed and nodded quickly again. Lise was still holding her hand up, examining her nails and without even thinking I shot a quick glance towards her fingertips. If her nail polish wasn’t pink, then what was it? Tiger Lily, impatient as always, saw my look and decided to inform me.

“It’s greige,” she said, looking up into the sky and away from me. “And before you have to ask what greige is, it’s grey and beige. You have to read magazines to keep up with things you know.”

“Oh, right, I know,” I said. My head was still going on a furious nod. I felt like a little Happy Meal toy. 
Boing boing boing
.

Saffron leaned over to me again.

“I think your nails would look great in greige,” she said. “Show me.”

I held out my hand and she had a look at my fingers.

“Wow, great shape and great length,” she said. “For nails that you’ve obviously done yourself, they’re pretty good. Imagine what they’ll look like when you get a proper manicure!” She looked up at me. “I presume you’ll be getting one soon, right?”

My mouth felt like it was about to blabber and stumble again but I managed to get control. “Yeah, of course. This is just my emergency polish.”

I could see Tiger Lily take a breath to speak again and was just about to duck my head when, like a sudden cool breeze on a boiling hot day, the bell went and I was saved.

I walked to maths telling myself to pull it together.

“Don’t be such a loser, Coco. Get hold of yourself. You can do this.”

I took some breaths and calmed down, opened my books and then spent the next 50 minutes pretending to listen to fractions and decimals while actually I was thinking about something way more important—the lies I was going to tell and the stories I was going to spin about why I was going away.