Only Love (The Atonement Series) (4 page)

“What? You don’t think she could be in Tacoma or perhaps Vancouver?”

“No, I don’t, Colin. She would have most definitely left Washington and she would have never settled in Vancouver. She isn’t all that crazy about suburban life and being that close to Portland, she would have just settled there. If I am perfectly honest with you, I don’t think she’s in Oregon though. She would have kept going south…much further south. Your best bet is to check either Southern California—specifically Los Angeles or San Diego because she would most definitely bypass the Orange and San Bernardino Counties—or Clark County.”

“Clark County? That would be where Las Vegas is, right?”

Caitlyn had clicked her tongue on the other end of the phone. “Yes, but there is more to Las Vegas besides gambling, casinos and wedding chapels you know. She would have wanted to go somewhere she could lose herself and had decent suburbs and housing. Those are the only three places I can think of that are less than a day’s drive from here and have decent suburbs where she could settle down and become just another anonymous person.”

“Thanks,” he’d responded and was about to end the call when Caitlyn said his name out loud.

“What’s this about? Did it have anything to do with the talk you had with Liam? Is my sister all right? Has she been hurt by you in any way? Why would she run if everything is perfectly all right between you two?”

“That is something you would be better off talking to Liam about than me,” Colin had said before he ended the call.

That had been a week ago and she was still missing. He would have really lost it if Liam hadn’t told him he’d spoken to Deirdre and she was fine and safe. She had a place to stay and had bought a business where ever she’d gone. She was happy and healthy but she couldn’t stand to be around Liam or Colin at the moment now that she knew the truth about what had happened to her father.

His personal phone rang and though the area code was local, he didn’t recognize the number. Something told him it was Deirdre and he immediately answered the phone while leaning against the bar for support.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Colin. How are you?” her voice sounded like liquid honey to his ears. It was so very good to hear from her again.

“I’m terrible to be honest.” He grabbed a bottle of Dewar’s and poured himself a shot before he tipped it down his throat. The slow and steady burn calmed him but he wanted the numbness of the alcohol more than the smooth taste in his mouth.

“Listen to me, I know I left you in a lurch and I am sorry about that but I had to get away—”

“A lurch? Is that what you call this shitty and utterly ridiculous situation you’ve left me to explain to all our friends and family?” Colin interrupted with intense anger as he walked away from the bar and made it to his office before he closed the door behind himself and leaned against it. “You disappeared and barely said good bye. The least you could have done is at least informed me where you were going. If you told me you needed space, you know I would have given it to you.”

“It’s a little more complicated for me than just needing space. You and your brother murdered my father in cold blood and yes, I forgave you but that was my mistake and one I will have to live with for the rest of my life. It wasn’t really my place to absolve you of your crimes when I know what my mother is going through. I’m sorry I acted in haste but I realized I couldn’t marry you and I don’t want to raise a child with you either.

“If I am perfectly honest, I need to be on my own for a while. I needed to remove myself from the whole sordid situation and actually be able to view from the outside looking in. If that wasn’t the only issue, there is also something else you should know. When I tell you, you aren’t going to want me anyway so it’s pretty much a moot point.”

He closed his eyes and tried to slow his heart which thundered in his chest with such intensity, it was hard for him to breathe. “What is it?”

“The baby…” Deirdre began before she trailed off.

“What about the child? Stop playing games with me!”

“This kid isn’t yours, Colin.”

The words hit him like a sledgehammer and all the sudden his head hurt more than his heart could ever ache. “I don’t understand. What do you mean the baby isn’t mine?”

“Don’t act stupid.” She sighed on the other end and seemed almost relieved to get her feelings off her chest. “The doctor did some more tests and it turns out I was further along than we thought. He or she can’t possibly belong to you because when the child was conceived, we hadn’t slept together yet. The baby belongs to Liam. I can’t do that to him or my sister so I thought the best option would be to disappear and make a life somewhere on my own. You have to give me the space I need. I refuse to live a lie and in the end, you will just resent me for what I did and that is trapping you in a marriage with a child that isn’t your blood.”

The cell phone suddenly felt slippery in his fingers and he set it down on the desk before he pushed the speaker phone option. “Regardless if the child does belong to Liam, he or she would always belong to us, Deirdre. I love you very much and I am willing to do the impossible, even if that means raising my brother’s child. He or she
is
my blood—they’re my niece or nephew—please come home and don’t do this to us. We can work it out. I swear I will be there for you…I’m not going anywhere and you know that.”

He could hear her tears and quiet sobbing. “I know that deep in my heart but you must allow me to weigh all my options and make this decision on my own…without you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was break your heart and I know that is exactly what I am doing right now but I can’t do this. I can’t handle this when the anniversary of my father’s death is literally just months away. Please, allow me to do this and when I’m ready, I will contact you again.”

“Deirdre, wait—”

“I have to go,” she responded before she hung up the phone and the number blinked on his Samsung with an ended call message.

Colin tried to get a grip as he walked over and sat down but his whole world seemed to be spinning further and further out of his control. He could feel his body sag before he collapsed on the floor, and just like that, a life that seemed like it would finally be okay had been shattered in the blink of an eye.

Chapter Four

The week following my very emotional conversation with Colin was hard to say the least. I had no clue what I was doing but all I knew is it felt right and I couldn’t allow myself to be chained to any man ever again.

Perhaps that is why Drew and I hadn’t worked out. He was always there and he wanted to protect me from everything evil and unsavory in the world. This was the first time I could actually say I was living my life on my own terms.

Everything really did feel like it was coming together and although I had a hot neighbor I avoided at all costs and a business that did relatively well, my life had become so much richer and deeper. I realized I only had to cook for myself and when I didn’t feel like it, I could always go out to dinner.

There had been very few times in the past I’d ever ventured out to dinner alone but living in upscale La Jolla, I thought no perfect time existed like the present. I still hadn’t met any real friends to bond with so I showered and dressed in a pair of black jeggings, an oversized scarlet silk shirt and a pair of scarlet Christian Louboutin booties. I allowed my wavy hair to flow down my back and put on just enough make up to appear attractive but not enough to overdo it.

I had read in
La Jolla Magazine
about a hot, happening restaurant called Rouge. It did very well and always featured the crème de la crème of La Jolla society. The food was excellent and the chef, a Drake O’Connell, who’d studied at Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, was not only young at the tender age of thirty-one but he’d also worked for one of the top restaurants in Las Vegas before Rouge had stolen him from them.

Not that much of the information I read came as a surprise since Drake had told me himself. I knew my hot neighbor’s occupation and where he worked previously thanks to his surprise visit to “borrow sugar”.

This peaked my interest beyond belief and due to my curiosity, I promptly left my condo and drove to Rouge which was located on prime beach real estate. The restaurant itself was very minimalist but due to its name, the black building mostly made of glass featured a décor bathed in different reds accented by generous helpings of black. It was beautiful and although I was eating alone, I would still have to wait forty-five minutes to be seated but the Maitre D’ had suggested I sit at the bar while I waited for my table to become available.

I shouldn’t have really been drinking since I was pregnant but I still opted for a small glass of Pinot Noir. I pulled out my iPhone and checked my messages. There were a couple and although I shouldn’t have bothered to follow up, I did.

The first was from my mother. She sounded depressed as usual and I made a mental note to give her a call the following day. The second message was from a rushed Caitlyn who asked me to call her back and the last message was from Colin. The love of my life had turned into “beggin’ ass Colin”. His messages were always detailed and full of regret and longing.

I rolled my eyes and made a mental note to call him the following day because a phone call with him would always end in tears on both our parts. As much as I needed to be away from him and craved it with a fierce compulsion, I couldn’t go back, not now.

Instead, I called my sister and she answered on the second ring.

“What are you doing and when the hell are you coming home?” Caitlyn inquired without a greeting.

“Not right now,” I replied as I stood and signaled to the waiter to hold my place as I pointed at my half-glass and slipped off the bar stool. “I am just responding to the voicemail you sent me and I want you to know that I’m not coming home any time soon so I suggest you don’t hold your breath.”

Caitlyn laughed out loud in a sarcastic manner. “Stop being so goddamn selfish and think about other people for once, will you? Colin is an absolute mess and all of this is your fault! You could have prevented all of this by explaining how you felt. You didn’t need to run away. Aren’t you getting sick and tired of starting over?”

I walked towards the signs that pointed to the restrooms. It involved a steep climb down stairs and I loosely held the railing as I walked down. “I haven’t started over. I am just doing my own thing and living my life the way I want to live it—”

I stopped mid-sentence as my heel caught on a loose thread of carpeting and before I knew it, my iPhone went flying and I tumbled down the flight of stairs. I landed at the bottom on plush, red carpet but a sinking feeling settled as the cramps began to rip incessantly through my body.

Several young couples immediately came to my side.

“Don’t move!” a young Asian woman told me. “I’m calling the ambulance right now.”

I tried to sit up and realized I hadn’t broken anything that I knew of but my whole abdomen felt like it was being ripped open.

A pool of blood flooded the seat of my pants and the stain continued to expand on the scarlet carpet.

“My God, you’re bleeding!” another woman exclaimed.

It hit me then what was happening and although there was an emptiness in my heart as my body continued to betray me and the child I would never have, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of elation as well and I knew it was so very wrong. How could I have wanted something like this to happen and had I done something to purposely cause it?