Phantom Scars (9 page)

Chapter 18 – Laid Up

Emma was still a mess, and I was finding that so was I. I realized when she went to the bathroom that I was freaking out a little, because I couldn't see her. I knew I had to pull myself together. My momma definitely needed help in the kitchen, since Eli was out taking care of Faye. As far as Clayton helping…well, my momma put it so well. "He has the attention span of a chicken during cricket season when Ms. Jennifer is serving. He's really not good for anything in her presence.”

I guessed Jen had finally caved. Clayton came to see me after he had recuperated, and he had an expression on his face like he had seen God. He was barely able to get out that momma wanted to see me, and I wondered if that stun gun zap had fried his brain.

Emma and I made it down to the kitchen. She found a quiet corner in the storage room and left the door open, so she could watch me move around the kitchen. Every time I looked over at her, I just wanted to stop what I was doing and take her in my arms. She just looked so small and scared. I wanted to hold her and make it better, but Dr. Greyson told us that getting back into our routine would be good for both of us. I wasn't sure I agreed with him, but he had given Emma an extra bottle of pills to take if it started to be too much.

Clayton wandered around dazed, making mistakes left and right. I finally snapped, after he mixed the whipping cream in with the grits. "Clayton, what the heck happened to you?" I asked, taking the horrid mixture away from him. Maybe momma could come up with a new dessert recipe to salvage it.

He smiled at me, as if I hadn't even yelled at him. "It was amazing. I know you hear about it in the locker room, and you think about it. I couldn't even begin to imagine it until Jen…”

"What the heck did she do to you?"

"She's a goddess, an angel. Devin, I swear, I never thought it’d be as good as that, but I was wrong. She’s heaven."

I looked at him confused, and so he leaned in, whispering, "We did it. She took me to heaven, Devin, she's a freaking angel!"

Just then, Jen walked in and smiled, when she caught him talking about her. She walked over and kissed his cheek then slapped her order on the counter and walked out. I picked it up and got to work on it.

"How come you didn't tell me?" Clayton frowned.

"Tell you what?" I asked confused.

"That it’s so great. I mean, it was amazing! I waited all this time, and I've seriously been missing out."

"Yeah, but Clayton, do you really think it would’ve been that good with anyone other than Jen?" I asked.

He smiled softly. "No, I'm glad it was her. She's just…"

"Amazing, an angel, I know," I said cutting him off.

Clayton laughed and punched my shoulder. "So, is it like that with you and Emma?" he asked me.

I looked at him like he was nuts. "I told you, it isn't like that! We aren't doing…that. She's just a baby for heaven sakes and a quivering mess most of the time. There's no way I’d ever take advantage of her like that."

"Hey, sorry, man, I just thought…I mean you guys have been married for a while now. I just figured maybe you'd been enjoying being normal newlyweds."

I let out a huff and glanced over to where Emma was hiding. I saw her folded in on herself, her body shaking, and I knew she was crying now. "Dang it, Clayton, just…no. I have to take care of my girl; you're on your own. I'll be back for the lunch rush," I said making my way over to her.

"Come here, Little One," I said taking her up in my arms. It broke my heart, when I saw the look in her eyes. She looked so hurt. I cradled her to my chest and carried her to our apartment. "I've got you, Little One," I said kissing her forehead. I didn't know what had upset her, but I hoped I would be enough to make it better.

Eli called and invited us over to his place. He had Faye staying with him so he could take care of her, and he didn't plan on letting her out of his sight, either. Faye had wanted to see Emma as soon as she woke up, but Emma was too scared to leave the house at the time, and we later found out during a session that she was afraid Faye would be mad at her.

I called and let them know what the problem was, and Faye was a mess of sobbing tears, promising she wasn't upset with her at all.

I was finally able to coax my wife into my momma's car, so I could take her to Eli's place.

He answered the door with a smile, and I hoped I would get some more answers. As far as I could make out from the sessions with Dr. Greyson, Emma had heard someone coming up the steps who sounded like Wayne, and she had freaked out and hid after telling Faye not to answer the door. I hoped Faye could fill the rest of it in for us.

Eli led us over to his living room, where Faye was propped up on a pile of pillows. She had casts on her leg and on one arm. Her bruises were lightening up, and she still had a perky smile. "Oh, Emma, I'm so glad you're okay. I was so scared that I'd missed and he took you," she sobbed and pulled Emma over, wrapping her good arm around her and burying her face in her neck. "I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. I was so sure we were safe. I didn't think anyone could figure it out."

"What happened?" I finally asked Faye.

Eli glared at me, and Faye smiled softly at us. "She knew it was Wayne. She recognized the sound of his walk. I guess he had a bit of a limp. I thought we were safe. I'm so sorry, Devin."

"Don't be. I'm glad to know Wayne won't be bothering us anymore. Though I wish it was me who’d done the honors."

Faye smiled sadly. "I wish it was you, too."

I instantly felt bad. It had to be difficult for Faye to deal with the fact that she had taken someone's life. Emma leaned over and kissed her cheek and hugged her again, tighter this time. Faye smiled up at her. "I really am so happy to see that you're safe, Emma."

"So what happened? You opened the door, and then how did you end up like this?" I said motioning to her cast.

"Well, I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. He knew you guys had moved Emma in the box, and he was doing his best to try and get me to admit it, but I swore I’d only bought some stuff for my store. I hoped Emma wasn't hiding in it, because he pushed me back and stormed in, looking for the box she was moved in.

“He found it and went nuts. He was sure she was there because it was empty, and I couldn't have unloaded it all that fast. That was when he started getting rough with me, telling me if I didn't give him back his..." She stopped and looked at Emma, and I realized Emma most likely had heard it all. Emma gave her a slight nod, telling her to go on. "He said if I didn't give back his whore, he’d take me instead to take her place."

Eli and I sucked in a breath. I had a feeling she had left that little tidbit out before, when she had told Eli what had happened.

"I didn't know where Emma was, but I was glad he wasn't able to find her. He pulled out a gun and started waving it around, saying he was going to take me, and I told him there was no way in hell I was going anywhere with him. He went to grab me, and when he was close enough, I grabbed his gun, and we struggled. It went off, and the kickback from it firing snapped my arm back, breaking it," she said motioning to her arm. "He was still reaching out for me, and I was still trying to get away from him, as he was falling from being shot. I was scrambling backwards, when I tripped over the stuff we had knocked off the shelf during our struggle. I snapped my ankle and hit my head on the doorjamb, knocking myself out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital with Eli there waiting for me. He told them he was my fiancé," she said beaming.

Eli actually blushed.

"As soon as I get this cast off, he's getting me a ring!" she squealed. "We're getting married!"

I looked at Eli, and he was smiling widely.

"Emma, I want you to be in the wedding party. Eli and I have discussed it, and we want both you and Devin to stand with us. It's going to be a while from now, so I'm hoping you’ll be doing well enough for it. What do you say?" Faye asked.

Emma smiled teary-eyed, nodded yes and hugged Faye again. I was glad my girl had something to look forward to.

Chapter 19 – Emma, Meet Woody

Emma’s sessions with Dr. Greyson were getting more intense. We decided to keep them at the apartment, and it had gotten to the point where she was now talking to Dr. Greyson by herself. Granted, I was close by in the bedroom, where they could call me if things got to be too much for her, but I didn't think I liked the whole “out of the way” thing. I guess I was a little jealous that Dr. Greyson was getting to learn my girl's history, and I still felt like I was in the dark.

Dr. Greyson had noticed my pouting and asked me if I wanted to talk to him. I said no and just told him I wished I was learning more about Emma like he was. I didn't like being shut out.

He frowned and said he couldn't share what was said in the sessions, and Emma needed to get through this on her own, but I should talk to her about how I was feeling.

I was not a freaking girl. I was not going to talk to her about my feelings!

He must have said something to her, because when I snuggled down into my sleeping bag, she passed me her notebook. It was open towards the middle, and she pointed out the part she wanted me to read.

"Dr. Greyson said it’d be good for us if I shared some of this with you. I picked an easier section. Please don't read it out loud. I don't want to hear it," she whispered and slid down in her sleeping bag with her back to me.

I looked at her, stunned for a little while, not sure what to say, but I decided to quickly take the chance I had been given, before she changed her mind and took it back.

They say my mother is safe, but I don't know for sure. I hope I will be able to see her one day. I miss her, even if she was the one to marry the man who got us into this mess. I think she just didn't know any better. That was just the way she was, head always in the clouds, seeing the best in everyone. I wonder if she is still like that or if she has changed. I kind of hope she hasn't. I want her to still see good in me, if she ever sees me again.

My heart broke. How could she not see the good in Emma? That was all she was, good and innocent. I watched her snuggle down into her pillow, and then I read on.

I miss my father. The scene in my head just keeps replaying, and I keep wishing I saw wrong, but I know I didn't. He was shot and fell out the window. I know he is dead. I watched as they killed my father, taunting him with what they were going to do to me first. He died not knowing I was safe, and I hate that. I hope he can see me now and know that I am safe and in good hands with the Clemens family.

That hurt, I had lost my dad, too, but to see her dad tormented before he died just had to be horrible. I hoped wherever her father was now, he could see she was happy and safe with me.

Devin is so beautiful. Sometimes it hurts to be with him and know he doesn't see me as a woman, but only a child. I see how he cares for me, and it is impossible for me to hate him. How can you hate a man who lets his life revolve around you? He still watches me. Even when he is busy trying to cook or work, he will glance at me every twenty seconds, sometimes less if I make any sort of noise. I don't think he notices it. I know his family doesn't notice it. If an outsider came into the kitchen, they would think he had a nervous tick. I look for him, too. I counted, and I can't stop looking at him for more than ten seconds. It hurts to look away and not see him. I am not sure why.

Dr. Greyson wants to do sessions alone, and it scares me so much, but I want to be better, and I need to be able to talk to Dr. Greyson about Devin as well. Besides, there are some things Devin doesn't need to hear. I don't want him to forever see me as a scared child. I am not a child!

That was where she had asked me to stop. I was so tempted to keep going. I wanted to know more. I wanted more answers, to get inside her mind, but I couldn't betray her like that. She trusted me. I would not betray that trust. I closed the book and handed it over to her. She didn't look at me. I just pulled her back against me. Finally, after a few minutes, she rolled over in my arms, and I kissed her forehead. "Thank you for sharing that with me," I whispered.

She didn't say anything, just snuggled into me so she could sleep.

She did the same thing the next night as well, and so we fell into a routine of each night, she would give me her notebook and point out a small section I could read. It wasn't in order, and I didn't think, even if I read it in order, that it would make any more sense. They were just thoughts she had jotted down at the time, just as random as anyone else's would be, some more important than the others, but all were a little peek into her mind.

She would not look at me as I read them, and she would not say a word. It was understood that I not read them out loud, and I could tell she was skipping some parts on purpose, because they mentioned me in places. I could see my name in pen on the underside of the page leaking through, and it was tempting to want to just turn it and see what she thought of me, but I knew better than to betray her trust like that. I stuck to what she had given me and hoped one day she would turn the page on her own.

Tonight's entry was about Clayton, and it made me smile.

Clayton reminds me so much of Oscar, my old guard. Both are huge, have dark hair and blue eyes. From the back, one might mistake one for the other, but when Clayton turns around, there is a softness in his eyes that Oscar never had. Clayton smiles, and it makes me think that somehow, he is still a child. There is innocence in the way he approaches everything, and I wondered about it. Then I see him in Jennifer's presence. He lights up, and one might think he would actually take flight the way he glides after her. His focus is sure, and his love for her is very apparent. It makes sense now. I wondered why she was always so distant from him, but now, as I look at her, I can see that she has loved him for a long time. She just didn't trust that he loved her the same way. I guess something good has come out of the insanity that follows me.

I wondered who Oscar was and wished there was a way to find out more about him. She didn't say much, but I recalled how she had stopped Dr. Greyson from reading more about him once. I hoped he hadn't hurt her.

I glanced down to where I had left off and smiled at what she had observed in Jennifer. I was worried Jen might hurt my brother, but I was glad someone could see she loved him, too. I ran my finger down to where my place was and started to read again.

I wish my life was quiet and normal, that I could still be here, living the life I have, but as a normal, happily married woman.

That surprised me. I would have thought she hated that she’d had to give her freedom up to me at such a young age. I glanced at her soft form. Her breathing had slowed, and she was asleep next to me. She was so beautiful. I felt guilty at times, strapping her to me with a practically forced marriage. It was real and legally binding, but I did my best to treat her more like a little sister than my wife. I didn't want to take advantage of her. I was scared that, one of these days, she would notice how my looks were not always innocent, and I sometimes really wished she could be mine.  But then I remembered she
was
just a child, and I was supposed to be trying to help her. My guilt usually killed whatever desire I had boiling for her.

I pressed on, reading what she had given me for the night.

I wish Devin would stop referring to me as Little One. I know I am small in stature, but I am a full-grown woman nonetheless. If he took me now, would I not bare his children? Would I not call out his name in the heat of passion? Would I not love him like a wife should? He just can't get past the notion that I am a little girl. I wonder if I had waited to reveal my age until I was eighteen, would he have seen me in a different light, or will he always see me as the little seventeen-year-old girl hiding in his quarters?

Of course, even now, as I complain about it, I realize I could not be a good wife. The thought of losing my virginity is terrifying. Not because the act itself would hurt, but because that was the only thing that saved me when I was taken. I was pure and therefore prime merchandise. I was left untouched, so they could get the highest bid for me. Dante would come in and stare at me as he touched himself, just looking at me, saying he got off on the thought of the thousands he would make on my sale. He would scare me, but he never touched me. Thank God for that.

I am thankful that at home, I was quiet and plain and never dated, because if I had made friends, if I'd had a boyfriend, if I had already lost it like the girl in the cell next to me, I am sure they would have abused me like they abused her. I still hear her screaming sometimes, and I wake up in terror, realizing it was just me screaming. It has gotten better, now that Devin lets me sleep with him, even if it is in ridiculous sleeping bags. I guess it could have been worse. I could have been found by someone who would make me pay for staying with them, in ways I am not ready for yet. The way Devin is so sweet and understanding, it kind of makes me feel ready sometimes.

I sat there stunned, looking at her with wide eyes. That was the end of the entry. I should have closed the book, but that last paragraph had been loaded. So much was said. It was the first time I had ever really heard what had happened to her, and I was silently thankful she was a virgin, but at the same time, I wanted to kill this Dante dude. I hoped Dr. Greyson was taking the names to the FBI, so they could nail the bastard. I would have to ask him about that.

I glanced down at the last line again, shocked at what it said. I made her feel “ready” sometimes? When were these times? Was I making her feel pressured? I hoped she knew I didn't expect anything from her. I didn't expect her to ever give herself to me. I knew she had issues. I hoped my inappropriate feelings for her didn't make her feel obligated to me. I would never ask that of her.

I closed the notebook and set it on the bedside table. I snuggled down into my sleeping bag and pulled her back against my chest, like I did every night. I kissed her head and inhaled her sweet scent, and then I chastened myself for it. I lay back, going to sleep with thoughts of her ruling my mind.

What I awoke to the next morning was shocking. My dream was vivid, and my voice woke me, as I moaned Emma's name. It was then my mind registered what my body was doing, and I quickly woke myself up, before Emma could hear my moaning.

I started to stir and realized I was pinned down. I was mortified. My Little One was in the bottom of my sleeping bag again. I was in a near panic, when I felt her start to move. Her arm brushed over me, as she wrapped it around my waist, and I bit back a moan. How the heck was I supposed to get out of this mess? I had to figure out what the heck I was going to do. My momma would kill me if she found out about this. I couldn't let Emma wake up. I didn't want to traumatize her more.

Then she started moving up my body, dragging herself up against me, causing me to moan against my will. Her little body squirmed against me, and I silenced myself by panting, trying to get myself under control. She nuzzled into my neck and pulled her leg up over me. I grabbed her, holding her tight against me, in hopes she’d stop moving. I didn't want to lose it with her in the sleeping bag. Of course, if I did, I could just say I wet myself. I scratched that thought. The fact that she was rubbing against me and then moaned my name into my neck was not helping!

I choked back a moan of my own and calmed my breathing. I had to wake her up. "Emma?"

"Hmm?" was her answer, her eyes still closed. I was sure she was still asleep.

"Emma," I said again gently, trying to wake her in a calm way. I didn't want to startle her.

She nuzzled and squirmed more into me. Her lips brushed against my neck as she whined, "Just a few more minutes, my love."

I stopped the moan, but my chest bounced as I caught my breath, waking her a little more. Her nose nuzzled up to my ear. "You okay?" she whispered. "Am I crushing you?"

"No," I squeaked out like a fourteen-year-old going through puberty. I closed my eyes, embarrassed.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I'm fine," I squeaked again.

"You don't sound fine," she said looking down at me confused.

"I just, um, need to go to the bathroom?"

She lifted up off of me so I could move. She waited expectantly for me to go.

I sat up, pulling the sleeping bag tight around me, hiding my problem.

"I'm so sorry," she said blushing, and I realized she knew what my problem was.

"What? Why are you sorry? This isn't your fault. We talked about this. This was why I wanted to stay in separate sleeping bags," I groaned feeling so embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," she said again looking down.

She was apologizing to me for
my
problem, and it made me feel like a jerk. "There's nothing for you to be sorry for."

"I was in your sleeping bag. I probably didn't help that," she said pointing.

I laughed and scrubbed my face. "It all depends on what you consider helping," I shook my head. "I'm going to go take a cold shower," I said trying to escape the conversation. She didn't stop me.

I guess she was just as embarrassed as I was.