Reaching Out to the Stars (8 page)

I am not much of a reader unless it is required or something that interests me. I actually went to college to become an English major because I wanted to become a writer. I quickly changed my tune when I realized how much I disliked reading. I then changed my major to psychology which I thought was much more interesting.

I guess the main reason why I did not open my new book was that I was trying to put some time and space between myself and my fantasy. My obsession with my idol really had started to bother me. It made me crazy and sometimes I wondered if I was crazy. Therefore, I felt that as long as he was out of sight, he was out of mind. Opening that book was like Pandora opening the box. Nothing good could come out of it without there being negative consequences of some kind.

It was a long winter and my son, Ethan, and I spent a lot of time indoors trying to stay warm and busy. I became a huge fan of the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Ethan and I often watched it together and sometimes he would look at me with concern when I would laugh hysterically during most of her show.

I remember there was this one week where Ellen had her fans write letters about how she could make their dreams come true. One woman wanted to meet Brody Hutzler, who played Patrick Lockhart on the soap opera, Days of Our Lives, and to be an extra on the show. Ellen had the woman on the show and Brody surprised her. He brought her roses. She then got to spend the whole day with him and got a chance to be an extra on the show.

I thought about how amazing it would be to be able to meet my idol and spend the day with him. As I began to contemplate actually writing a letter to Ellen, I gave myself a reality slap. After doing some soul searching, I had decided that I never wanted to meet my idol. I think at this point in my life, looking back on my obsession and how out of control I felt at times, I had decided there had to be an ending and that meant concerts, too. Even though fantasizing about my idol and going to shows had brought excitement to my life, it also seemed to be bringing on depression that I could not explain and at times I started to question my own happiness. When I separated myself from the craziness and came back to reality, I always seemed really happy.

I would joke about the depression to Maria. We started to refer to the depression as the idol withdrawals. I felt as if my idol was a really good drug that gave me a really good high and when it wore off and I felt I needed more, I couldn’t always get it. Sometimes it was a terrible feeling and I did not want to feel that way anymore.

It is ironic that I would use that analogy considering I am one of the most straight laced people you will ever meet. Yes, it is true, I have never tried drugs. I have to say that I am proud of that though because there are few people out there today who can say that truthfully.

When I say that I am straight laced, in no means do I mean that I am an uptight person or even conservative. I just like to think that more times than not, I have a good head on my shoulders. I do not like to fill my body with substances that mess with my brain or my ability to have good judgment and think clearly. Don’t get me wrong, I am human. Sometimes I do make mistakes, only under the influence of my own stupidity. I do realize that nobody is perfect and I do accept others for who they are and for the decisions that they make because it’s their own life to live.

I also don’t smoke or drink, although my dad would argue that I should have a glass of wine a day. If I drank a glass of wine right now, I would be plastered.

Taking care of my body and keeping in shape has always been important to me. I have been involved in the martial arts for about seven years with some time off in between pregnancies. I am close to going into training for my black belt.

I love getting on the elliptical and listening to my iPod. It is also a great excuse to indulge in my love for music and I am desperately trying to shed my last ten pounds of baby weight. I love Play Station Dance Revolution, but it still comes second to my Play Station Karaoke Revolution.

Although I’m a rational thinker, I can’t help to be somewhat of a free spirit. I love to do things that are different or out of the ordinary. I remember when I got my belly button pierced in college, I was so afraid to let my dad know about it. He has a very old school, traditional way of thinking stemming from his pure Italian heritage as his parents were born and raised in Italy. I told him that I got a tattoo because I figured he would get really angry so the piercing would not seem like a big deal. When he found out, he told me he would have preferred that I got the tattoo. I will never forget his words, “You know who does things like that? Assholes do things like that.” Bryce and I always joke about his reaction and laugh.

When it came time for the tattoo, a butterfly on the small of my back, I kept my mouth shut. Everyone knew about it but my dad. I remember going out to breakfast one Sunday morning in a small diner with David, Bryce and my dad. As the waitress was wearing a short waisted shirt, she was exposing about half of the huge tattoo that traveled across her back. My dad looked at me and said, “You’d better never do that. That looks like shit.”

As David and Bryce quickly buried their heads in their breakfast dishes to hide their laughter, they may as well have thrown me under the bus. My dad caught on right away and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” Nice job, Dad, using the Lord’s name in vain on a Sunday morning in the middle of a diner, where some were fresh out of church.

I had many other things in my life that were exciting, a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, a great family, a nice house and a wonderful career that I knew would be waiting for me when my kids were ready to go to school. I started to think about how sucked in I got by this reality show and how crazy it made me. Of course I would always be a huge fan but felt more of a need to stay grounded.

I had met Bryce in college. What is weird is that he was the first person I met. I introduced myself to him my first day of school as a freshman in my very first class, Spanish I. We were really good friends all four years and never dated until the April before we graduated. I actually had a really serious relationship with our friend Jude through most of college and surprisingly, we are all still good friends. I always pictured myself marrying Jude, but in the end it all worked out for the best. He married Sierra, the sister of another mutual college friend. Sierra ended up being a much better match for him than me. I must say it is a small world but I’m glad things worked out the way they did.

I know that I am lucky because there are so many people out there that are looking for the very things that I have already found. I could not ask for more but my obsessions at times made me want to be in a different place, which for me was not realistic, making me lose sight of all that was important.

I then found myself admitting to myself that as much as I would love to meet my idol, that maybe I was afraid to meet him. Sometimes you can build somebody up so much in your mind and put them on a pedestal. Then when you meet the real thing, you find out that you are disappointed. Sometimes they turn out to be not what you thought they were. Maybe it was more important to keep the dream alive.

It was like being a teenager with a really bad crush. This took me back to those not so good days in high school where you really liked someone but the feelings were not mutual. So you needed to either deal with the rejection or just face the fact that in their eyes you were just “Invisible.”

Months went by before I found out that my idol was coming to the Bank of America Pavilion. I was not sure what to do. Being the weak individual that I am, I decided to feed the addiction and I bought two tickets. As if that was not bad enough, I came across two tickets to Mohegan Sun in Connecticut and did not think twice about claiming them without realizing it was the same show.

Come June, one month before the first of the two shows, I had some time on my hands and figured what better time than to break out the book that I waited six months to read. I finished the book in four nights. I guess when it rains, it pours.

The book sucked me in when I could not be any weaker, and I began contemplating another letter. I felt like I needed to express myself after reading the book. I thought that maybe it would be possible for me to deliver it to him at the show and then I could be sure that he would really get it this time. I began to handwrite the letter because I thought it may be more personal. The letter rambled on for four pages.

For today, I will embrace life
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For today, I will make the best of my circumstances
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For today, I will celebrate the joy of simple things
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For today, I will learn something new
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For today, I will be a better person
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For today, I will reach out to someone in need
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For today, I will be thankful
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For today, I will dream with my eyes open
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For today, I will laugh
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For today, I will encourage a friend
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For today, I will use my imagination
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For today, I will relax
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For today, I will listen
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Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits
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Believe in yourself
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Consider things from every angle
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Don’t give up and don’t give in
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Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come
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Family and friends are living treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches
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Give more than you planned to
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Hang on to your dreams
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Ignore those who try to discourage you
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Just do it
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Keep trying no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier
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Love yourself first and most
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Make it happen
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Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal
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Open your eyes and see things as they really are
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Practice makes perfect
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Quitters never win and winners never quit
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Read, study and learn about everything important in your life
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Stop procrastinating
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