Searching for Disaster (14 page)

His voice was pure ice. “Sure. I understand completely.”

He didn't speak as she drove to his house. With damp, shaking hands, she pulled up to his driveway and waited. She needed desperately to retreat and think. When she was around Liam, he made her mind fuzzy, because the only thing that mattered was being close to him. The door opened, then slammed. She half closed her eyes, willing herself to keep it together, and moved to put the car back into drive.

He tapped on the window. Slowly, she hit the button and lowered it.

“Get out of the car, Isabella.”

His command lashed sharp enough to draw blood. “I just think—”

“Now. I refuse to have this conversation in a car.”

She got out and stood up straight. He was right. Dear God, he deserved for her to tell him the truth face-to-face. She couldn't slink away just because things got hard. The last month had been like a dream, but she'd known it couldn't last. Reality always intruded in life. “You're right; I'm sorry.”

“Inside.”

She followed him in. He took Han out of the crate, walked him quickly, then settled him with some food and toys while she waited in silence. He tore his cap off, tossing it to the side, fisted his hands, and turned to face her. “I want to know what happened in the bar.”

She took a deep breath. Every word she spoke was like an ice pick in her heart. “I was talking to Tim about drug busts. He was expressing his opinion about addicts—junkies—who he believes are the scourge of the earth and don't deserve a second chance. He mentioned something that has been bothering me for a long time.”

“What?”

“That the demons always come back. And he's right. I can be tempted at any time. Something can fall apart and I can use again. It's something they teach us right away. He said, ‘Once an addict, always an addict.' ”

Liam cursed viciously. “Listen, Tim has seen some bad things out there and has no experience with anyone close to him using. Are you telling me Tim's opinion—someone you just met—was important enough to want to run back home without even talking to me?”

Shame filled her. She lifted her chin. “No, you're right. See, I get like that when things get hard sometimes, Liam. I twist things up in my mind, and then I hurt people.”

“Isabella, spare me your litany of sins in your quest to save me. I'm getting tired of it.”

Anger curled inside, hot and satisfying and clean. “Oh, you're tired of it, huh? Maybe if you would begin listening to me, you'd see the problem with a future for us. Why do you think I tried so hard not to begin this thing between us? Because it would be too hard to stop!”

“Then let's not stop,” he retorted. “Just because we decided not to talk about what we have doesn't mean it's not real. I played your game because I was afraid to freak you out. Well, now I'm done trying to hide my feelings for you. All we have to do is keep moving forward. Work through things that come up. But dammit, you need to talk to me when something upsets you. I can't be the only one fighting for us.”

“There can't be an us!”

“Because you won't allow it!”

They faced each other. The past reared up and swallowed her whole. Images of her naked on the street. Memories of glorious lines of pure-white powder and parties that turned from night into day and night again. Recollections of her sister's face when she lashed out with her venom, and her parents' disappointment, and Raven's choking sobs when she thought she'd overdosed and begged her to seek help. Years of abusing and neglecting herself physically and emotionally. How could she possibly be enough for this man she loved more than her own life?

And she did love him. Oh, how she loved him, from the very depths of her broken soul.

“Tim reminded me of something I've always known,” she said. “He said addicts are always ready to explode again. I can't give you any guarantees. I have to accept myself for who I am, flaws included.”

“There are never any guarantees in life. In love. In anything. Does that mean you'll never allow yourself to love?” he challenged. “Are you going to protect the entire world from the disaster that is Isabella MacKenzie, or am I just your one lucky winner?”

“I don't know! I never thought about falling in love with someone like you! You're a police officer. What would your family say if they found out about my past? Your cop buddies?”

“Who cares? My family will see how happy I am with you and won't care. As for my friends, why do we need to tell them anything? It's our business. Hell, I'm proud of what you went through! I'm proud to stand by a woman who took life by the fucking tail and turned her devastation and darkness into healing and light. And every damn time you devalue yourself, you devalue me. Us. And I can't take it anymore, Isabella.”

He closed the distance and yanked her into his arms. Cupping her face, he kissed her, forcing her lips to open to his, sliding his tongue deep into her mouth, and claiming her completely. She moaned, helpless to fight him, her body softening beneath him and flaming to life. When he finally ripped his mouth away, he was breathing hard, a fierce blue flame glinting in his eyes.

“I love you. All of you—past, present, and future. I tried to play it your way so I could prove to you how right we are for each other. You, my love, are the other half of my soul. But for this to work, you need to fight for me, too. You need to believe in yourself as much as I do to give us a chance. Do you love me?”

She clung to him, terror washing over her. “Yes. I love you. I think I've loved you from that very first night.”

“Then it's time for you to make a choice. Don't walk away from a future because you're afraid of the past. Don't sacrifice our actual happiness for some mythical perfect happiness out there with someone else that doesn't even exist.”

She looked into his beloved face and saw two roads ahead of her. One filled with laughter and love and uncertainty. The other cold, empty, but safe. Secure. If he wasn't willing to save himself, she had to do it for him. Just like she'd always known from the beginning.

Izzy took a step back. “I love you too much, Liam. You need to be with someone who's completely whole. Someone you truly deserve.”

Silence crashed between them. The grief and pain in his eyes felt like knives stabbing into her skin, drawing blood. And then he was turning his back as if he couldn't bear to look at her.

“I need you to go now,” he said quietly. “But don't forget, this was your choice. You gave up on everything because you didn't believe in yourself. And I can't fix that for you. No one can.”

The numbness came back to mask the pain. She turned and left, shutting the door quietly behind her.

chapter twelve

“H
I, DADDY.”

“Hi, pumpkin.” She held a little bit tighter to her father's embrace, and as if he sensed she needed extra comfort, he held her for longer than usual. Her smile was wobbly but still firmly in place. At this point, she needed to be around her family to fill the emptiness.

She walked into her family home where familiarity wrapped around her. From the spiral staircase to the elegant open foyer, she stepped back in time where her childhood reigned supreme. Pale-yellow walls, furniture now battered from the war of time, the family room beckoned with its cozy rug, overstuffed furniture made for comfort, and the solid coffee table that had held hundreds of platters. Amazing aromas drifted from the Tuscan kitchen where her mother ruled.

“Aunt Izzy!” Her niece Taylor came over to give her a hug. Her gorgeous blond hair spilled to her hips, and her wide blue eyes were now edged with mascara and eyeliner. Now a young teenager, her face had filled out, along with other parts. “How is it working at a real matchmaking agency? Have you met any cute guys?”

Izzy ignored the flare of pain and smiled at her niece. “Not yet, but I'm sure I will. If dating becomes too disastrous, you can grab the friends-and-family discount.”

Her sister-in-law, Gina, walked in with her brother, Lance. “Please let's not discuss dating. I'm still working on negotiating curfew.”

Taylor sighed with exaggerated patience. “M-O-M! I told you Sarah gets to stay out till eleven and you want me to be home at ten. I'm not a baby!.”

“School nights ten. Weekends eleven,” Lance cut in. “Discussion closed for now.”

Taylor huffed but didn't respond. Gina gave her husband a warning look, but he winked at her, tugging playfully at her hair and getting her to smile. The crash of objects hitting the floor echoed in the air with loud voices. Maria skidded in, throwing herself into Izzy's arms with no doubt she'd be caught. Izzy covered her with kisses and heard her other niece, Lily, patiently explaining to her father that deer were animals, too, and not just ridiculous death hazards on the road.

“What happened?” she whispered to Maria.

Maria gave a very adult sigh. “Daddy almost hit a deer, and got mad, and started saying hunters needed to do their job better, and then Mommy and Lily got upset and said they're God's creatures and that they were going to force him to watch
Bambi
. But I think that's very cruel.
Bambi
made me cry.”

Izzy pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. “Me, too. Thanks, sweets.”

“Welcome.”

She turned and Alexa stood before her. “Just a little family drama,” she explained, tugging off her coat. Her beautiful black curls tumbled over her shoulders in a familiar disarray. She clasped Izzy in a firm embrace. “I'm so glad to see you. Is Gen able to make it or is she cramming in extra shifts again?”

“She promised to make it,” Jim MacKenzie announced, his hands already filled with thick Italian bread covered in tomatoes and mozzarella.

“Jim! Are you eating the appetizers before everyone gets here?”

Her father shoved one portion in his mouth and chewed fast. “No,” he mumbled.

Nick came in with Lily. It looked like their discussion had reached a fruitful end, and they were hand in hand. “Hey, Izzy, good to see you.” Her brother-in-law had captured her heart when she'd first met him at sixteen years of age. With his tousled golden-streaked hair, elegant features, and lean grace, she'd crushed on him completely. His love story with Alexa was legendary in the family, especially since they were able to pay off her parents' mortgage and pull them back from bankruptcy or being forced to sell the house.

He was a modern-day knight, and her sister was his queen. There was no one else she could think of who deserved happiness more.

Her father began bringing in the plates of appetizers, uncorking wine, and pouring Izzy's favorite drink, cranberry and seltzer with a twist of lime. Chatter ensued, food was picked at, kids raced around the rooms squealing and giggling in lighthearted play, and Izzy closed her eyes, savoring the moment of just being with family.

“I'm here! I'm here!” Gen rushed in with Wolfe at her heels. “You better not have eaten all the tomato and mozz!”

Maria MacKenzie popped out of the kitchen, shaking her head at her husband. “Genevieve, you know I always save you some on the side. Your father can't help it. The mozz balls make him lose his mind.”

They burst into laughter, and Izzy greeted her twin and Wolfe, the love of Gen's life. With his wicked serpent tat that scrolled up his arm and neck and wrapped around his ear, his stinging blue eyes, and his overall hotness factor, he'd caused her some turbulence when they'd first met and she crushed on him hard. Of course, with her drug use, that crush had eventually turned vicious, especially when she realized her twin was his preference. Still, Wolfe never made her feel anything but accepted and loved in his circle, his forgiveness evident in his gaze and smile when he saw her. She had offered him a formal apology during her repentance steps, and he'd just hugged her and said he understood better than she could ever know. “How's Kinnections treating you?” he asked.

“I really love it. I think I actually see a future there.”

“I'm so glad for you, Izzy.” He squeezed her hand and she smiled at him.

“Thanks.”

“If you two don't start eating and stop gabbing, I can't be expected to save all the plates,” her mother warned, giving them a big smile to soften her words.

They snacked and drank, catching up on everyone's news. When Maria called them to the table, it was filled with all of their favorites for the usual Sunday feast. Bowls of pasta with gravy and meatballs, garlic bread, homemade ravioli, huge bowls of fresh salad drizzled with homemade dressing made of olive oil, infused vinegar, herbs, and of course more garlic. Izzy took some grilled eggplant and a small bowl of pasta, her stomach still not back to normal after her breakup with Liam.

Actually, nothing was normal any longer.

She walked around with a hole she couldn't seem to fill. She smiled and did her job at work, but the world around her had dulled, losing its interesting angles and sharp edges she used to enjoy. She spent most nights home with Leia and made sure to go to extra meetings in case her plummet urged her to use.

But there was no desire for drugs. No desire for anything. She just existed, and in between every action she thought of Liam and what she had thrown away in the pursuit to save him.

“You're not eating, Isabella,” her mother observed.

“I had a big breakfast,” she said, plastering a fake smile on her face. Everyone nodded, but her twin stared at her with pure suspicion.

After the ravioli-eating contest, they declared her niece Maria the winner and began to clean up. Halfway through, Gen motioned her to follow. Climbing the stairs, they went into their childhood room, still filled with youthful posters of cute pop stars, and still painted the color of Pepto-Bismol. They climbed up on the queen-size bed—which had been the only upgrade for guests—and sat cross-legged. Gen propped her face in her palm. “Tell me everything. Is it Liam?”

Izzy had already confessed to Gen about their first meeting, getting the puppies together, and falling into a dating-type pattern. But every time her sister tried to get her to tell her the real reason she was freaked out, Izzy changed the subject. “We broke up last week.”

Gen sucked in her breath, studying her face. “Why?”

Izzy lifted her hands, choking back tears. “I did it. I broke up with him. I was terrified that we'd end up hurting each other. No, that' s a lie. I was terrified I'd hurt him. Yes, I've been clean two years, but he's a cop, and I know how these things work. I met some of his friends at Ray's Billiards and one of them told me he despised drug users and that they were the scourge of the earth. He said addicts can go back to using anytime. And he's right. I'm dangerous.”

“Wait—have you had the desire to use lately?”

“No. I met with my sponsor and attended an extra meeting but I'm fine.”

“Okay, are you saying Liam didn't trust you not to use?”

“No, he told me to forget about what Tim said and he confessed he loved me and said he wants a future together. He said I was strong and brave and he didn't care about my past.”

Gen scrunched up her face. “I'm confused. He said all that and you still broke up with him?”

Ridiculous tears stung her eyes. “Yes. I left him because I can't trust myself. I think he deserves better than me, Gen. I love him too much to hurt him.”

Gen let out a broken cry and held her tight. “Poor baby; I'm so sorry. Listen, I can tell you a whole bunch of things that make perfect sense but I'm not you. I didn't go through your struggles and I can't pretend to know the answers. But I do know exactly who you need to talk to, Izzy.”

She sniffed. “Someone as fucked-up as me? Who?”

“Dad.”

Izzy looked up. Her sister gazed at her with a touch of sadness. “I haven't told him anything about Liam. Not even Mom.”

“Dad went through something similar, and I really think you should talk to him. Will you do that for me?”

The idea of telling her father such intimate struggles was hard. She loved him fiercely, but after he'd left, she'd distanced herself for a long while, taking most of her teen years to fully forgive and trust him completely again. She wasn't used to sharing her heart with her father, especially when her twin had been her true confidante.

But her gut told her to go to him. She nodded. “Yeah. I think I will.”

Gen pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Go now. I'll cover you with the cleanup. You know Lance is going to be knocking on the door, whining because we scurried away before all the plates were washed.”

Izzy laughed. “I love you, Gen.”

“Love you, too.”

Izzy went downstairs with her sister and found her father pretending to fiddle with the dessert tray. She knew he was only wasting precious time until the table was clean and he could steal the first few rainbow cookies. “Dad?”

He half jumped and looked up guiltily. “Oh, hi, honey. Just trying to help get dessert ready.”

“Do you think I can talk to you for a second?”

He frowned, straightening up. “Of course. It's a mild night. Wanna go on the deck?” She nodded, and they walked out the sliding doors into the brisk fall air. They sat down on matching deck chairs and faced each other. “I'm trying not to be your mom and freak out. Can you just tell me nothing's wrong with your health?”

“Oh, no, Dad; I'm fine.”

He let out a relieved breath. “Thank God. Okay, hit me with it. I'm good for anything else.”

She smiled, clasping her hands together. “It's about a guy.”

“I know that, sweetheart. I'm your Dad. It's always about a guy.”

A small laugh escaped her. “It's a long story.”

He nodded, his kind eyes gazing at her with a steadiness that soothed. “Then you start at the beginning.”

She did. Izzy told him all about the night they first met, leaving out the details, and took him up to the night she'd left Liam. When she finished, he contemplated her in silence for a long while, seemingly gathering his thoughts.

Surprise hit when he rubbed his face and she saw a glint of tears shining in his blue eyes. Her heart stopped. “Dad, are you okay? I'm sorry if I upset you.”

He shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize about. I'm going to tell you a story, Izzy. I never shared this with you because you're my daughter, and there're certain things you shouldn't know about your father. When I left all of you and took off, I was in a dark place. You see, my entire life I felt as if there were these demons inside me, hidden somewhere but always ready to spring out. I never felt . . . fulfilled. I loved your mother so damn much. I loved you kids. But when I drank, something loosened inside and I thought I felt free. Powerful. It made everything better, and easier, or so I thought. The drinking got so out of control, your mother threw me out, and I took off. I had some terrible moments. I woke up in alleys sometimes. I'd work driving a cab, save up some money, then go on a bender for days.

“One day, I was driving a cab and picked up this lady to take her to Montefiore Hospital. On the way, she chatted about her life story and then asked me for mine. For some weird reason, I told her I had a family but I'd left them. She said the lure of the bottle was sometimes overpowering but that it was never too late to get my life back. Everything hit me at once. As I drove, I realized I despised myself so much I could never go back. I had lost everything that was important.

“She repeated her words again to me:
It's never too late to get your life back
. When I reached the hospital, she handed me a hundred-dollar bill and said, ‘Take the first step, Jim. Get your family back.' Then she left.