The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys (4 page)

You should always choose first-time anal toys that follow the common-sense rules for anal penetration (see sidebar), meaning they should have a flared base so they won't get lost inside and should be made specifically for anal penetration. But the golden rule here is to always start small. That is, unless you know your lover likes size—and even then it's a good idea to err on the small side, because you can always upgrade later. Vibrating anal toys (like a small vibrating butt plug) are excellent first-time choices, as vibration will help relax the anal muscles and ease tension and discomfort. Also, be sure to get a toy with an absolutely smooth surface, as bumps or ridges might not go over well with an anal virgin (you can always experiment later with bumpy toys if it turns out they like butt toys).

Her first G-spot toy will need to be firm, slightly curved, and designed to supply G-spot stimulation. Not every woman likes G-spot play, so ask. Many women-run sex toy shops sell G-spot exploration kits specifically aimed at beginners; these are a great starter item. Typically, the main toy in these kits is a hard plastic or firm jelly rubber curved vibrator, as lots of women find that vibration makes G-spot exploration feel super good.

Selecting the right dildo, like any other toy, will always be a matter of personal preference for size, shape, and appearance. But the function of the dildo is also key in determining what's right for the kind of play you have in mind. Do you want something smooth, ridged, slim, or with a bulbous head? If you're not sure what size or kind of dildo to get, take a minute to experiment with your fingers to get an idea about what size might appeal to you. Don't let your imagination and excitement lure you into buying a dildo that might be too big to start with, unless you know you really love the feeling of fullness. When looking at measurements online, know that width (or diameter) will mean the measurement across the dildo (as in a cross-section), not around it.

A guy's first cock ring should be as simple and easy to use as possible. As you learned in chapter 1, a cock ring is a ring worn around the penis and testicles to apply a steady pressure around the base, slightly restricting the blood flow to the penis to give a continuous squeeze to his penis and testicles. The simplest cock ring style is a single leather band with snaps, called a cock strap: It goes over the top of the penis's base and continues around and behind the testicles. Great beginner choices for cock rings also include very stretchy jelly rubber rings—these are usually colorful, made of soft jelly rubber, and sold in packs of four or more. They're great for experimenting with one, two, or more rings to increase or decrease constriction; because they're super-stretchy, cock rings made of jelly rubber can be taken off in a jiffy if they feel too tight.

Cock rings come in many types and styles—leather, fabric, neoprene, and various plastics and rubbers. Not all of them have snaps. Some fasten with Velcro, some tie or have sliding
closures, and some are just rubber rings that stretch wide and slip on. A whole selection of complicated and torturous cock rings is available; you can find cock rings with multiple straps, ball stretchers, ball dividers, or D-ring attachments for weights, ties, or leashes. Again, your best advice is to start out with a single, simple ring, then see if your man likes it. You can diversify later.

In all your plotting to introduce erotic toys into your sex life, remember that the toy is merely a utensil to help you whip up a tasty sexual feast; it's not the meal itself. You'll want to think about what turns you both on, as you ponder your choice of toys. You both have a sexual fantasy, and you'll want to get the gift that'll make your fantasies come true. Excellent! Now just nail down the details of your sexual fantasy and you're ready to go shopping. Use the following guide to make the right toy selections.

If you've never tried lube, I insist that you buy a bottle immediately and see what you've been missing. Even if you think you don't need it, try it anyway—this isn't about need, it's about fun. Of course, if you're thinking of anal play, then you'll absolutely require it, but the way lube makes slippery genitals even
more
slippery is a sensation that has to be experienced to really be appreciated.

Lube comes in a range of thicknesses, consistencies, flavors, and styles. Finding the lube that's right for you will be a matter of personal preference, though some people like different lubes for certain activities, much like a cook will use a variety of seasonings. You may prefer a lube that closely mimics natural vaginal lubrication, like Liquid Silk. Or, for anal play, a thicker gel-like lube such as Astrogel may do the trick. You might prefer long-lasting silicone-based lubes like Eros Silicone for hand jobs.

Water-based lubes are the standard, as they clean up easily with just water and are safe for the vaginal ecosystem to flush out. Oils of any kind are difficult to flush from the vagina, so skip the oily stuff—that goes for whipped cream and chocolate, too. Some water-based lubes have sugars (also labeled glycerin, glycerol, and natural flavor) that can be very irritating to some women; since sugar feeds yeast, these can lead to yeast infections. Read the ingredients list before you use any lube, if you're at all sensitive—colorings and flavors can have the same undesirable effect. Water-based lubes (including silicone) are safe to use with condoms and safer sex gear.

Lubricants with benzocaine and numbing agents such as Anal-Eze, “good head gel,” and desensitizing creams contain oils, flavors, and colorings, and are highly unsafe. Numbing the back
of the throat, the penis, the vagina, and especially the anus can lead to serious injury and infections that can (and often do) land users in the doctor's office or ER. Think about it: You can't feel the skin breaking or tearing, and if it's the anus, fecal bacteria are present too. When you can't feel pain, you're getting injured, period. Also unsafe are “shrink creams,” which claim to make the vagina smaller or tighter. The key ingredient in these creams is alum (aluminum chloride, an aluminum compound). They absorb water from the outer layer of the skin; as more water is absorbed, the cells begin to swell, closing the ducts through which water would normally flow. No study has been done on the effect of these creams on the cervix, which is what they eventually end up getting rubbed on during penetration, but I'll wager it's not good.

Nevertheless, it's not all bad news. Flavored lubricants are a fun treat, and are readily available at any adult toy or novelty store. They generally don't taste very good; imagine the flavor of lube mixed with artificial flavoring and sweetener. Yum! The pictures on the labels look much better than the products taste—and you may want to ask yourself what you do (or don't) want to taste, anyway. Edibles come in two categories: lubricants that are water-based, and edible gels, liquids, or sprays that may contain oils. No matter how completely you think you are licking it off, even the smallest amount of oil can cause a condom, dental dam, or glove to break.

Not to say that licking something yummy off of your lover isn't fun—it is. It can be a treat to have a little something extra to lick, something that makes your strokes longer and more focused. The water-based brand ID Juicy Lube has by far the cleanest ingredient list, no artificial coloring, and the largest selection
of flavors; I recommend sticking with its line of fruit flavors, though I admit Bubblegum Blast is a personal favorite. Hot Licks is a super-sugary-tasting line of water-based flavored gels that heat up when you breathe on them (though the heating-up sensation isn't for everyone), and they come in flavors like strawberry and cinnamon. Kama Sutra makes a whole range of products made for licking off excited body parts, and its Oil of Love product also heats up; but keep in mind that many products in this line contain trace amounts of oil.

Y
ou have no secrets from your sex toys. When in hand, your toys operate in tandem with your fantasies, bringing you to orgasm in a seamless session of self-love. Your sex toys never have a selfish moment during sex; nor do they come before you do, whether by accident or intention. They live to serve as your sex slaves, minus all the upkeep and the care and feeding of an actual sex slave (apart from batteries and soap). Machines never tire, and they never take it personally when you come quickly and just want to roll over and go right to sleep. Sex toys don't care what you fantasize about to get off, and they have no opinions on your choice of positions or porn. They also feel just fine if you change your mind midstroke, and decide to shut them off and put them away.

But being with another person is different. Your lover can't read your mind, nor can they vibrate—at least not as reliably as a Hitachi.

The big fantasy we all have is to orgasm with our lovers, at exactly the same time, in a big synchronistic moment of equally
shared, pure bliss. Reality is often quite a bit different, especially during penetrative sex. For many, just having an orgasm at all during penetration is a challenge. There's a lot going on, and it's hard to focus. Sometimes it's a demanding process, not to mention the fact that when something feels really good, you probably feel that you look silly. But there's an easy answer, at least to the orgasm question: A playfully diverse world of toys and props exists to help us all meet our orgasmic goals, and to make sex into a delightful pleasure shared by two.

A good number of people think of sex toys only as solo tools for personal pleasure. Some even consider sex toy use by couples to be a signifier of things gone wrong, as if using a toy is akin to “cheating,” or as if getting pleasure from something other than the way a couple “should” be having sex is bad or doesn't count. Or worse, that the couple are deviants or somehow perverted (in a bad way). But the truth is, a couple's exploration of their shared sexuality through use of sex toys is a healthy sign of a relationship that grows, stretches, and changes with time. It's a marker of a relationship with open communication, and it means that both parties are interested in deepening their intimacy and truly desire to make each other feel good. Because that's what sharing sex toys, and using them to come together, is all about. Play, desire, communication, and (of course) getting each other off—royally.

Incorporating toys into your shared sex life is easy if you first met at the vibrator store, or if you brought the subject up early in the development of your sexual relationship. Then, it's absolutely no problem for you to bring home a new butt plug tucked into a floral bouquet for your three-day holiday weekend at home. But if you've never really brought up the subject,
or you formerly used toys but stopped awhile back and want to try them again, then it's going to seem a little risky to bring it up—but only at first.