The Lily (The Flowering Series Book 1) (9 page)

Mike and I spent the day designing a beautiful stone for Jake’s plot with all the things he loved. His motorcycle, the shore, St. Francis of Assisi and of course me. We knew that with a little help from Lily’s creative eye it would be beautiful. Mike volunteered to take the design to her that evening. When we left that day I cannot say that I felt better because I was not convinced that would ever happen, but I did feel that we had begun honoring Jake in a concrete way.

I became obsessed over Jake’s plot making sure that it was always decorated with flowers and perfectly manicured. Each time I visited I made sure Aidan’s space was clean and the border between the two graves was clear. I did not want anything to stand in the way of Jake finding Aidan in heaven.

I was on doctor-ordered bed rest but I needed to be near Jake. I was not ready to let him go. I felt lost without him and physically hollow. I easily convinced myself I was destined for a loveless life. So everyday I headed to the cemetery to talk with Jake trying desperately to keep my memories alive. Normally I was alone at the cemetery but occasionally I noticed Ash in the distance not wanting to interrupt my grieving but wanting to be close to Jake as well.

I tried calling out to him one day but before I found the words he had disappeared which was probably for the best since I had no idea what I would say to him. Ash was the black sheep of the family by his own choosing and while both Lily and Jake had always talked about him with respect, I had never been formerly introduced. I worried that maybe I was beginning to have hallucinations and that he was not even there.

After a few weeks Carmine and Nancy stepped in and insisted I get some much needed rest and go back to the doctor. Being smarter than I was at the time, the doctor admitted me, which forced me to get some rest.

During this time Carmine and Nancy started slowly talking about the future and what I thought I might want to do next. I thought about going back to school but I felt strongly that campus would remind me too much of Jake. I needed something that would keep my mind engaged and too exhausted to relive my pain over and over again.

I decided to enter an intensive management program that met off campus and would keep me completely occupied. With all of the stress of my courses and avoiding the pain in my heart I got a bleeding ulcer that needed to be operated on immediately.

Carmine and Nancy once again became my saviors and they graciously paid for the procedure, which would hopefully allow me to continue on with my life. The week I was out of commission from the surgery was the worst week I had since the funeral. Not having a focus was derailing any headway I had made in my grief. I was frustrated but determined to finish out the program.

After I graduated from the management program Carmine called in a favor and got me a job interview at Morgan Stanley for their management track. I psyched myself up for the interview and within weeks I was officially an employee of Morgan Stanley in NYC.

After the call I drove straight to the cemetery because the first person I wanted to celebrate with was Jake. I put a glass of champagne on his headstone and lifted mine in a toast, “This is to me Jake, because without you life has no meaning and this will give me something to do until we meet again. I love you Jake.”

I stayed until dark telling him all about my day down to the socks I was wearing because I knew he would want to know.

Chapter 11:

The following day I caught the 5am train into the city and began to acclimate myself to my new surroundings. My boss, Glen was priming me for his department of Mergers and Acquisitions based on my innate ability to hide my feelings and problems. While I never wanted to be known for shielding myself from the world this was where I was in my life and in order to move on I embraced it.

I honestly did not care what they had me doing because I had joined to pass the time and make Jake proud. I thought about him constantly and spent most of my travel time to and from work making up conversations between us. I was deathly afraid that if I stopped talking to Jake he would completely disappear and my memories would vaporize.

Carmine and Nancy were thrilled that I was making progress at work but both of them mentioned several times that they thought I needed to see a therapist to help with the final part of grieving. I knew I needed help because the pain was not stopping and I spent my nights thinking and reliving all the things we had done together. Unfortunately I had also stopped eating unless Carmine and Nancy made me. I was rail thin and borderline unhealthy.

Nancy found me someone that could see me on the weekends and I agreed to start seeing the therapist. My fears were still very real and I stared at our wedding picture burning the image into my mind. Nothing was going take that away from me. The therapist was helpful but I still had a long road ahead of me.

The management program continued and as usual I strived for the top and was earning the highest marks. The rumor at the water cooler was that all the top Managers were looking at me and setting up interviews. After completion of the program I took the number one spot and I was given the opportunity to pick which department I wanted to join.

I liked the idea of working with Mergers and Acquisitions because it would allow me to help people, travel and it would keep me busy so life would pass by quickly and I would be closer to seeing Jake again.

I chose to join the Mergers and Acquisitions department. On the way home I could not resist stopping to see Jake. My therapist thought it was more constructive to get all my thoughts out to Jake rather than bottling it up inside and I of course agreed because it allowed me to still feel close to him.

I was to begin my new position on Monday so I had a three-day weekend to prepare for this new adventure. I wanted to get some new clothes, catch Jake up, and visit with Mike, Lily and Jake’s parents. It was as if I had to make sure the old chapter was sufficiently paused before I could move on.

I knew Jake’s dad was not doing well from a few conversations with Lily. He had taken a leave of absence from his job and was just not functioning. I knew seeing his dad like this would break Jake’s heart so I thought it would not hurt to try myself to get through to him.

I sat with him and told him stories about Jake and I; about how I visited Jake’s grave almost everyday and constantly talked to Jake even on the train. Jake’s dad was a complete mess and had not been back to the gravesite or see the stone Mike, Lily and I had designed.

I was happy that I at least got a few small smiles out of him. It hurt me to see him in so much pain. I knew he had a therapist and a doctor who checked in on him but the depression had a mighty grip on his heart. I did get him to have dinner with the family a small step towards what I hoped would be a recovery.

Lily and Mike were also at the house and it seemed that Mike had taken a more supportive role in helping the family recover. Or maybe he just needed people around him that understood his pain. He had certainly been there for me and I only hope that he was getting some comfort from me.

I learned that Ash had stayed for a few weeks doing some things around the house for his mom and had promised to come back for a visit soon. Lily seemed to truly appreciate his participation in the family’s grief but Mike grew quiet and cold each time Ash’s name was brought up.

When I went to say goodbye I offered to bring Jake’s dad to the gravesite whenever he wanted or I could even bring pictures if he liked. He said he would think about it and I made plans to visit again. I hugged Mike and Lily making plans to have better communication now that we were all feeling a bit more social.

On the way home I stopped to see Jake and I spent a couple of hours going over the visit with his dad. I asked for his help but I only got a few cold raindrops that I shook off so I could continue with the update of his mom, his sister and Mike and of course the Ash gossip.

When I got back to Carmine and Nancy’s I noticed in my pile of mail the bill for the storage unit I had rented after Jake’s death to hold all of the items from our apartment. I did not go back to the apartment after the hospital and found out later that Ash had talked with Carmine and packed up our apartment and put everything into storage.

Everything in that apartment would remind me of Jake, even my personal things. I knew I was not ready to go through Jake’s things yet but for the first time since his death I had a twinge that someday I might be. However hard today may be I knew that it was an important step towards moving on with my life.

Chapter 12:

One of my college professor’s once told me that I had a God given talent for winning and I embraced this talent with all I had. This was clearly evident in my new job as I rose quickly in the ranks due to my strong work ethic.

I put all my energy into excelling at my job. I was promoted within the first three months and landed compliments from some of the most important Presidents and CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies. My employee evaluations said I was admired for my dedication to fairness and honesty. I would never tolerate any shady business dealings and I conducted myself with the greatest respect and demanded it in return.

People seemed to like me personally and I certainly was friendly enough with everyone I came in contact with. Yet I made it a point to not accept invitations to parties or functions from my colleagues that were not directly related to a merger.

Anyone who met me just assumed that I was married or in love with someone. I kept my personal life to myself mostly because I did not want to have to explain my situation and I did not want anyone’s pity. It was impossible to go visit Jake every day but I always managed several times a month and I never missed a holiday or anniversary.

I was truly lucky to be in a position that allowed me to travel all over the world and meet dignitaries of all types. The job kept me extremely busy and limited my extra thinking to a minimum. However on the inside I was alone and miserable.

Three years after starting at Morgan Stanley I was given the opportunity to work on a merger between one of the biggest American telecommunications companies and another large company in Italy. It would mean living in Italy for nine months and a bonus that would go a long way in my plan to pay back Carmine and Nancy.

The other thing taking this account meant is that I would not get to visit Jake for nine months. I had to give an answer by the end of the week so I had started going to see Jake every night after work looking for a sign of what I should do. Thursday night I was getting ready to say goodnight resigned in the fact that I could not be away for so long when I saw someone approaching.

It was Jake’s dad. A silent man by nature he just hugged me, kissed my cheek and told me to go. Whether it was pure coincidence or not, I like to believe Jake sent his father to tell me it was ok to move on. I had held vigil long enough.

The next week I pack three big suitcases and boarded a plane for Florence. The merger was full of intense and complex issues, which truly kept me busy most of the time. However, in Italian culture they take a break every afternoon to have lunch with their families and enjoy life. Not too mention that when the workday ends everyone actually leaves.

To a workaholic this is complete madness but it was clear that it would be an insult to continue and refuse the invitations to lunch or Sunday family meals that my colleagues were constantly giving me. A few weeks after I started the supervisor invited me to his house on Saturday for an anniversary party. I heard rumors around the office that it was the party of the year and people flew in from all over the world to attend.

I graciously accepted while deep down I was paralyzed with fear. I had not been out socially since Jake died except for a few dinners with Lily and Mike. I did not even remember how to act around non-grieving people. I also knew for sure that I did not have a thing to wear.