ThinandBeautiful.com (24 page)

I want to talk to someone about this. I'm all twisted up in knots and I don't know how to untie them. I'm still not sure that I want to spill my guts to a bunch of strangers in one of those circle sessions, although I have to admit that I'm not sure anymore that I
don't
want to talk to them, either. Wolf wouldn't want to listen to me whine about my stupid past, and besides, I don't really want him to know that I was a complete loser. Marina would probably listen, but I'm not so sure I want her to know what a lousy friend I've been, either. Big Red would probably be more than happy to listen, but I'm definitely not ready for that. Although there is part of me that is starting to think it might be better than nothing.

But I
do
have something. I have my GWS. They would listen, or read, I guess, and wouldn't judge. They were there for me when it happened. They would still help me with it. I know they would. I need to find them.

It's time to take Marina up on her offer. She seemed pretty sure that it would be OK and I guess I have to trust her on this one. I don't want her to get in trouble. I don't want me to get in trouble, either. But my need to stay out of trouble isn't as strong as my need to find my friends.

May 21

Marina was right about Wolf. He didn't seem to be all that worried about helping us and came with us to breakfast so we could plan our big adventure. Actually, to be honest, Wolf and I sat and listened to Marina plan our big adventure. She drew a floor plan for us on a paper napkin. None of our rooms were all that close to where the night shift worker sat and read her book. What exactly was she sitting there for anyway? Did they think there might be an uprising of skinny girls wielding carrot sticks in the middle of the night?

I couldn't figure out how we could be absent from our rooms for any length of time. It's not like they did a sweep every hour or anything, but you never knew when the worker might get bored and decide to do a little room inspection. Marina was confident that we could do the old pillow in the bed trick just on the very off chance someone peeked into our room, which would give us time to sneak down the hall and the stairs to the office floor below. She mapped it all out in intimate detail and made it seem so easy that Wolf and I shared a little bit of her confidence by the time we finished and headed off to attend all of our scheduled events like good little boy and girls.

My confident feelings had pretty much all floated away
by nighttime as I sat in my room, sweating like a pig and trying not to shake, watching the clock tick away the minutes until our big caper. Time and its tricks. We were meeting at 10:45, and at 10:35, after about an eternity or two of waiting and sweating, I got up and shoved my pillow under the blankets, jumbling them all around to look like I was still there. I had always thought that trick looked so bogus in movies, but glancing back I had to admit that if you weren't looking too hard, you wouldn't really know that I was gone.

I slipped out into the hall like a thief in the night, plastering myself against the wall. I looked up and down, fully expecting a bright light to be shone into my eyes as I was caught in the first thirty seconds. Nothing. Not a sound. I couldn't even see the night shift worker from where I was, so I was pretty sure she couldn't see me. I slunk down with stealthy grace, my slippers making no sound as I made my way. I eased the door to the stairwell open, praying that it wouldn't creak. It answered my prayers, and I slipped through.

I ran down the stairs as fast as I could without falling, which would have ruined everything because if I broke my leg we would most likely get caught. I found the second floor, which wasn't too difficult because I had only come from the third floor. I opened the door and looked up and down that hall. You would have thought that all of those doors would be locked in a prison, but I guess this place was minimum security.

“Hi.” I screamed right out loud at the sound of the voice in my ear and then clamped my hand to my mouth. Marina laughed.

“Don't worry. This is the office floor. It's been closed since five. Wolf's already down in the office waiting. Let's go.”

I followed her down the hall with my hands still clamped to my mouth. I didn't trust myself and I wasn't so sure the walls were all that soundproof. Wolf was standing in the doorway of the office. He smiled at me. I took my hands away to smile back. Marina looked at us both and shook her head.

“OK, you guys, save the smile-fest for after we get this done. Wolf, you stay in the doorway but far enough back that they won't see you if they come down.”

“What? Who might come down? I thought this place was dead!” I started to panic again.

“It is. You just never know what the security guard will decide to do and I just want to take the precaution. I'm sure it's fine. Relax.” Marina patted me on the head. I looked at Wolf. He just kind of shrugged his shoulders, which wasn't very reassuring, but I went in with Marina anyway. It was too late to turn back now and besides, this was for me after all.

We were standing in a small reception office that I vaguely remembered from the first day I came. I have a recollection of my parents signing my freedom away while a lady sat there in that very room and logged my life into their database. It seemed fitting somehow that I was reclaiming some of my freedom in the same place where it had been ripped away.

“How'd you get in here?” I asked. “Wasn't it locked?”

“Trade secret. Some things you're better off not knowing,” she replied, sitting at the computer and booting it up. She entered the passwords and logged on to the Internet.

She stood up and gestured to the chair. I sat down and
typed in the address. I looked up at her and smiled.

“Thanks. You have no idea what this means.”

“I have some idea. I never did the whole computer pal thing but I have things I miss that mean a lot. Do you want privacy?”

“No, it's OK. I wouldn't mind a little company.” I surprised myself with my own answer. I had kind of expected to want to be alone to do this, but once I got there I felt like I needed someone close by.

“Girls without shadows?” Marina asked, reading over my shoulder as I brought up the chat room part of the website.

“Yeah, it's kind of like getting rid of the negative shadows of your past – you know, starting fresh with a new body and outlook and everything.”

“Interesting. I kind of like shadows. They're like inverse reflections of sunlight. They tell you where you are and help you find where you're going.”

I had never thought of it that way, which I was about to tell her but was distracted by the request-for-login box popping up on the screen.

I took a deep breath and typed in my login information and waited a second for the chat room to come up. I was kind of nervous. Maybe they had disbanded or found another site or met at another time.

nevertoothin says:
dt, is that you?

divinethinspiration says:
yeah, it's me.

bodaciousbod says:
omg! where've u been?

divinethinspiration says:
locked away in prison.

nevertoothin says:
clinic?

divinethinspiration says:
yeah. yuck.

bodaciousbod says:
bad?

divinethinspiration says:
really hated it at first. a little better now.

bodaciousbod says:
i hated it.

divinethinspiration says:
u????

bodaciousbod says:
year ago. stayed for three weeks then got out. not for me.

nevertoothin says:
u'll never get me in one of those places. they just make u pig out.

divinethinspiration says:
not really. other stuff here too.

bodaciousbod says:
we missed u. worried about u. thought maybe u dumped us.

nevertoothin says:
yeah, but lfl said u wouldn't do that.

bodaciousbod says:
!!!

nevertoothin says:
sorry.

divinethinspiration says:
where is she anyway? taking a night off?

There was no response for several minutes. I thought maybe the powers that be had somehow figured out we were on and shut us down. Or maybe the computer just froze. I was about to ask Marina what she thought when nevertoothin came back on and sent me a link. I clicked on it and sat back watching as a full-screen image came up in front of me.

It was a picture of a young girl, maybe fourteen or fifteen. She was smiling into the camera with big brown eyes that looked gentle but somehow older than the rest of her face. Her hair was hanging over her shoulder in two braids that had yellow ribbons woven through them. She had a soft-looking yellow sweater on as well and had been photographed only
from the waist up. You couldn't really see much of her body but it was obvious that there wasn't much of one there. She was really thin, thinner than most of the girls floating around this place.

There were words written across the yellow sweater, a poem someone had added to the page. I leaned forward to read them better. As the words sunk in, I felt my stomach start to clench and my eyes start to burn. I found myself clamping both hands over my mouth. I don't know why people do that when they hear bad news. Maybe they're trying not to let it in or something. Marina must have seen my reaction, because she stood up from where she had been sitting behind me to take a closer look.

LOOKING FOR LIGHT

She always looked for the light

When others saw only shadows

She was able to feel hope

When others felt only despair

She searched for love

Never believing in hate

She gave acceptance

When others pushed her away

She tried to find perfection

In a less than perfect world

And the searching finally made her tired

And she gently slipped away

An angel flying away from the shadows

And into a ray of sun.

After another second or two, I minimized the window and the chat page came back.

nevertoothin says:
she died about two weeks ago. right after she finally posted her first pic. she was so proud of it. now it's just her memorial pic. So sad.

bodaciousbod says:
we only found out because her sister knew about us and came on to tell us.

divinethinspiration says:
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

nevertoothin says:
they say she had heart failure. they say she had an eating disorder and it killed her.

bodaciousbod says:
i thought we vowed not to say that again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nevertoothin says:
sorry but she deserved to know.

bodaciousbod says:
she deserves the truth. We know it isn't true. she didn't have any disorder. they just want everyone to think that so they'll shut us down.

divinethinspiration says:
they really think that dieting killed her?

nevertoothin says:
not just dieting but sort of, yeah. they say she had anorexia and bulimia.

bodaciousbod says:
i'm outta here. sorry dt. can't talk about this.

nevertoothin says:
sorry dt. it's been hard. everyone's confused. hopefully talk to you again.

And then they were just gone.

“I'm so sorry that you lost your friend,” Marina said softly. I said nothing as I turned off the computer.

I sat still, looking at the screen as the last shreds of light disappeared into darkness. What were they talking about? Maybe I misunderstood. Did they say she died? That a little girl with yellow ribbons in her hair had a heart attack and died? A little girl who had been my friend, when not too many other people wanted to be, was gone because she didn't eat enough?

“I'm so sorry, Maddie.” Wolf had come into the room and I guess Marina had told him.

“She was just a kid,” I said, letting my hands drop helplessly into my lap, my voice breaking into pieces of tears. “You saw her. Just a kid. You should have talked to her. I should have talked to her. I never even talked to her. I never even heard her voice. She seemed so smart and together and
figuring her life out. She was always so positive, you know? Even when the other girls, and me, were all stupid and putting ourselves down, she was positive. She really believed in us, the GWS.” I started to cry. Marina put her arm around me, but I pushed her away.

“She was my friend when I thought I didn't have any friends. She got me, you know? She was the most together one of all of us. She just wanted to look good. You know? Get rid of her stupid shadows!” I knew my voice was getting louder and that I should try to calm down but I had to make them understand.

“Madison,” Marina said, very quietly and very gently. It reminded me of that voice my mom used when I was a kid and she wanted to make me listen to her but didn't want to yell. She would always use my full name and for some reason it always worked. It worked when Marina did it, too, and I stopped talking and looked at her. I was waiting for her to talk and say something wise and magnificent that would make sense. I wanted her to tell me how a little girl could be dead. Gone. Never coming back. I never even met her and now I never would. I could feel my breathing getting all heavy and my heart seemed to be beating too fast. I put my hand on my chest to try to slow it down but it didn't work. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to slow everything down. Maybe I could slow time down and make it go backwards and all of the words on the computer screen would never have been there at all.

“Madison, can you look at me?” Marina put her hand back on my shoulder and this time I let it sit there. I opened my eyes and looked at her. Her eyes were full of tears and she
was kind of biting her lip as if she didn't want to let any more words out. She seemed to take a deep breath and then started to speak. I had wanted her to say something, but now I didn't want to listen to her. I didn't want to listen to anything but I couldn't stop myself. I just stood there staring at her while the world inside my head blew up.