Where I Found My Heart (5 page)

Chapter 11

The days turned into weeks and Libby finally tired of calling and getting no answer. I felt bad doing that to her but I was angry with her for not respecting my wish to be left alone.

I had fun that night out and it felt great to feel alive for a brief time, but I wasn’t in my comfort zone.

I opened the cupboard and took out the last can of coffee. I had two scoops left. That’s half a pot.

It was time to go to the supermarket again. I resigned myself to that fact and took a shower. Afterwards, I got dressed and dried my hair. Then I grabbed my cardholder, my keys and left the apartment to made my way down to the garage.

I robotically drove out of town leaving my identity behind. Making sure not to notice the people living their lives; going to work, shopping, walking, cycling. It was especially hard when I saw mothers pushing their strollers around.

It was a given, every time I saw a baby my heart would beat like a drum in my chest, I’d break out in a cold sweat, I’d absentmindedly rub my belly and before I could control it, I’d cry. I tried explaining that to Libby, the hollow emptiness and deep sorrow I felt whenever I left the apartment. It was easier to stay cocooned in my own little safe world. Where cowboys ruled the television. Where no music played. Where no laughter rang out. Where no faces graced the walls.

After I parked the car, I pushed the cart inside the store and loaded up it with food and toiletries. Necessities and…scallops. Bay scallops? Without realizing it, I had placed the ingredients to make that scallop ceviche I’d had that night out in Adelphia in my cart. Celery, onions, lemons and limes. I shook my head as I rounded the corner of the paper aisle.

I bent down to place the paper towels under the cart and when I stood up blue eyes...Mark was standing there.

“Nice to see you again Reny.”

“Stalk much?”

He let out a laugh that got the attention of the other shoppers in the aisle and I immediately felt the heat rush to my neck and face.

“No, I don’t stalk. I am however getting groceries. Which I believe is considered normal in a supermarket.”

“Well, how is it you are here the last two times I came in?” He shook his head and grinned. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“I happen to shop here. I’m here every day. Do what?”

I hadn’t realized I spoke my thoughts out loud.

“Grin like an idiot. Why? Why are you here every day?” I was truly baffled and I also wanted to get past the idiot comment.

“I like to eat and I like to cook fresh food.”

“Every day? That’s a bit much isn’t it?” He leaned over and peered into my cart then shook his head. “Why are you doing that? Stop.”

“You really ought to take better care of yourself. Do you know how many preservatives are in those frozen meals? Do you realize how many chemicals you’re putting into your body?”

“I don’t think what I eat is any of your business.”

“You’re right, it isn’t. I apologize. I was trying to help. Honestly.” He stood there glaring at me. “Reny, why are you so hostile? I’m trying to have a conversation with you.”

“You don’t know me.” I was getting uncomfortable and angry with myself for coming back to this supermarket. I can only blame myself, it was all my own fault.

“That’s the point of talking, getting to know someone. I would very much like to get to know you.”

“Why?”

“Because I find you attractive, and something tells me that behind that wall you built around yourself is a nice person.”

“Do you always make small talk and flirt with women you don’t know in supermarkets?”

“No. Typically I like making small talk in bowling alleys. You bowl?”

I wasn’t expecting that answer and I let out a laugh. I shouldn’t really call it a laugh. It was more like a cross between a twitter and a snort.

“So you have a sense of humor hiding beneath that stony exterior. I thought as much.”

“Oh, you did, did you?”

“Yes ma’am, I did. And do you think I’m flirting?”

“I do.”

“Well, are you otherwise involved? Boyfriend? Significant other?”

“No.” Dylan’s face flitted through my brain for a few seconds and I felt a slight panic attack coming on.

“How about we start all over again.” He extended his hand. “Hi I’m Mark Williams, and you are?”

I placed my hand in his grip and he tightened it slightly. I was unaccustomed to a man’s touch. It had been so long, but I had to admit I liked how warm his hand was. I like how it totally encased my own, so strong. I looked up into his face and nearly forgot my name gazing into those cobalt blues. “Reny. Reny McAdams.”

“Well Reny McAdams, I would like to take you out sometime. Maybe lunch?”

“Um. I… don’t…”

“Eat. You don’t eat?”

“Of course I eat, I’m in a supermarket aren’t I?” I looked down at my feet, “It’s just…”

“Ahhh, you’re not going to turn me down. Are you?” he cut me off.

“It’s difficult…hard to explain.”

“I’m a great listener. They say that talking it out takes the fear out of it.”

“Who says that? Why do you think I’m afraid?”

“Your body language, the way you avoid contact with…me…with everyone.”

“You surmised that in the little time you’ve been in my company?”

“I’m good at reading people.” He smiled and it caught me off guard.

“Well, there’s nothing to read here.”

“On the contrary, there are many layers to read there. And I’d like to get to know you.”

I was at a loss for words. He was persistent, that I’ll give him.

“You give tenacity new meaning.”

“I don’t give up easily when I want something.”

“What exactly do you want from me?”

“I’d like the chance to get to know you better. I assure you I have no ulterior motives.” He looked directly into my eyes with his penetrating blues and I gripped the handle of the cart tightly, my knuckles whitened. “So what do you say? Can I take you out for lunch?”

I shifted from one foot to the other.

“How about coffee?” I finally blurted out, looking for something, anything that would propel this conversation and let me leave.

“I can work with coffee.” His smile lit up his whole face. I hated that.

“You can?” I was surprised he settled so quickly.

“Yup. Baby steps.” He smiled again.

My breath caught in my chest.

“Now about those frozen entrees.”

I wagged my finger in front of his face and smirked, “Remember Mark, baby steps.”

I turned to leave.

“Wait, you said you’d have coffee with me.”

I stopped. “Yes I did, didn’t I?”

“Can I at least get your number?”

“Um, I’d rather.” I looked down at the floor for a few seconds, while I scrambled for an answer. “How about we meet for coffee?”

“Okay, when. Where?”

“Um…tomorrow if you’re not busy. Coffee Shack. The one on Stringer Lane, in Bernardsville.”

“That sounds great. Tomorrow sounds great…what time?”

“Gosh you ask a lot of questions. Let’s say ten?”

“Ok. Coffee Shack. Ten. I’ll be there.” He nodded. I shook my head. “Wait, do you have to go right now?”

“Well, I can’t have my
entrees
melting now, can I?”

I turned away before he could see the ridiculous lopsided grin on my face. I felt lightheaded and silly. The thought of seeing him again tomorrow made my stomach feel woozy and if I had to admit it, I was terrified and felt guilty…but there was something else too. Something I couldn’t exactly put my finger on.

I turned to go down the last aisle, but not before catching him smiling like the cat that caught the canary. He seemed rather proud of himself and I grinned again. This grinning thing was different for me and I had to admit, I liked it.

When I got home, I put the groceries away and started the water in the bathtub. I couldn’t tell you the last time I took a bath.

Chapter 12

I arrived at the Coffee Shack at 9:50. My stomach was churning. I was so nauseous from the onslaught of butterflies, I was sure I wouldn’t be able to keep anything down, including coffee. Finding an empty small booth, I sat down and looked around the room to make sure I hadn’t missed him, and he was already sitting, but no. Not here yet.

I looked at my phone 9:54, it was the longest four minutes in history. Each time the bell rang over the door I looked up, and my stomach turned upside down. It was now 10:01 and I was questioning if I had the right place and time.

I remember specifically saying Stringer Lane. I know for a fact I said 10:00 AM. But here it was 10:05 and no Mark yet. I was so on edge I felt like I could literally jump out of my skin. I glanced around the room for the twentieth time trying not to look as pathetic as I’m sure I did.

I almost laughed out loud how ridiculous I must have looked as I scurried around my apartment, panicking over what to wear. I got up at 8:00 to get ready for coffee at 10:00. Who does that? I took my time putting my makeup on and carefully chose a pair of jeans and a top that looked good on me, and sent no messages—nothing too tight, nothing too low.

At 10:25 it finally got to where I couldn’t stand it anymore. I went to the counter, bought a cup of coffee to go, and walked out into the crisp morning air. I inhaled deeply, slowly letting the air out. It was an exercise I found myself doing a lot lately, especially when I was in public.

“I’ve been stood up.” I said to no one in particular.

I took the long way home. It felt good, the sun warm on my face, a slight breeze. ‘This is a perfect day for a picnic’. I smiled, that was something Dylan always said when the weather was like this. I hadn’t realized my eyes filled until I felt the first trickle down my face. I kept my head down and plowed forward. I took another deep breath when I closed the door behind me. I don’t know why I felt so empty and sad, it’s not like I liked him or anything. I guess I didn’t think he would have stood me up. I think I was actually somewhat disappointed.

The phone rang and I looked at the caller ID.

Libby.

I waited a few more rings before answering.

“Hi Libby.”

“Uh oh, what’s the matter, you sound off.”

That woman has a talent of reading the slightest tone in my voice. Another trait she shared with her brother.

I unexpectedly felt very vulnerable, and I don’t’ know why I did it, but I ended up telling Libby everything. The bumping into Mark at the supermarket. The ‘coffee meeting that didn’t’. I suddenly had this feeling of dread. I felt guilty and I knew deep down I was about to get into pity party mode.

“I don’t think he would stand you up Ren, that guy is definitely into you.” She paused, “Maybe something came up. Did you call him?”

“We…um…didn’t exchange numbers.”

“Well that’s kind of silly don’t you think?”

“It was my fault. I didn’t want him to think it was a date.”

“Now you definitely sound silly.”

“I know but I’m not sure I’m ready…”

“I’m coming over now.” She cut me off and hung up on me.

“Great.” I said into the phone as if someone was listening.

True to her word, there was a knock not even ten minutes later. I opened the door to find Libby standing there wearing a worried look.

“Get your jacket, you’re coming with me.” She demanded.

“Where?”

“Don’t worry about where, just get your jacket.”

I grabbed the denim jacket I’d removed fifteen minutes ago.

“And your purse.”

“Libby I’m really not up to going out.”

“Get your purse.” She repeated.

I grabbed my purse from the stool under the breakfast bar and walked out the door held open by a stern faced Libby.

“Can I at least know where we’re going?”

“No.”

I didn’t know where we were headed at first, but then it all came back to me when she made the left onto Harris Street.

“Libby, I’m not sure about…”

“Shhhh. I have something I need your help with.”

“Fine.” I sat with my arms crossed over my chest like an errant child.

She pulled up in front of McAdams Nursery, shut the car off and turned her head to me. “I’m serious about needing your help.” She got out of the car and walked around to my side.

I took a deep breath and climbed out of the car before releasing the pent up air.

“Follow me.”

She walked toward the rows of greenhouses and I followed. I looked around and the memories started. I felt something in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know how to describe it, but it felt like I was coming home after a long absence. The beautiful pear trees lining the property were in full bloom. They pure white of the petals glowed against the blue sky and the sun twinkled off the panes of glass on each of the greenhouses.

It was here where I met Dylan. I remember the first time I saw him. I think my knees wobbled. I know for a fact my hands shook. He was so handsome I almost forgot my own name when I introduced myself. He had this special way about him that made everyone he came in contact with feel comfortable, but I was not just anyone. I knew I fell for him that moment.

It was on a day like this one when he surprised me in the greenhouse with a picnic basket. ‘This is a perfect day for a picnic’, I smiled at the memory. He took me by the hand and led me out the back door and lay out the tablecloth on the thick cool grass. He thought of everything; fried chicken, salad, cheese and a bottle of wine. We ate and drank and laughed. It was there, in that very same spot, months earlier that we first made love. I remember him being so gentle with me, like he thought I was fragile and might break.

We talked for hours. Laughed and made love again. A one point he stood, reached down and pulled me up into his arms. Then held me close as he clumsily swayed our bodies side to side, his form of dancing, and I found it romantic as hell. I wrapped my arms around his neck. We rocked side to side together while he sang “Let’s Be Together” by Al Green against my cheek. He wasn’t by any means a great singer, but he had a very sexy voice and the words he sang caused me to melt into him. He proposed that night, and of course I said yes. It was the happiest day of my life.

Little did I know they would get better and better, each day brought more love and joy until I felt like I would explode from having too much happiness. I loved him with all I was. Did I mention it was magical?

“Reny.” Libby said my name knocking me out of my reverie, and I shook my head. “I’m so sorry Ren I know how hard this is for you. But being where I used to spend so much time with him helped me get through some tough times.”

At this point I was out and out balling and Libby wrapped her arms around my racking body and held me until there were no tears left. I felt weak and worn, but strangely enough, I felt happy to be here. It was almost like I could feel his embrace, smell his breath. Libby was right. I needed to get back to work. I needed to be where I had all those wonderful memories.

“You’re right Libby. I needed this. I really needed this.”

Now it was Libby who was crying.

“I didn’t just stop so you can start.” I laughed.

“I know I’m so happy…I don’t know...I’m a big mush, but I know he’s here with us.”

“What was it you needed my help with?”

“We are having trouble with the plants in number four.”

She lead and I followed. After examining each of the plants I was convinced the Ph was off in their soil. I went into the storage shed and mixed some Ph with some plant food, attached the mixture to the application hose and sprayed them down until they were sodden.

“I’ll take a look at them tomorrow when I come to work.”

“Really?” her eyes popped and she smiled that smile I remember so well. I took it as a sign.

“Really.” I hugged her, “I love you Libs.”

“I love you too Ren.”

“Let’s go grab some lunch and we’ll take it from there.”

“I am hungry.”