Willow Spring (8 page)

“What about Carl?” Tessa countered. “Back when you and he—”

“No,” Amy cut her off, not wanting to go down that road. “I’m sure he found me . . . attractive
enough,
but I’ve never ventured anywhere even remotely near hot.”

At this, Tessa set the note back on the counter between them and pursed her lips, her expression set and determined. “Well, you at least know you’re cute, don’t you?”

Cute? Hmm. Maybe on her good days. “Okay, I guess I can go with cute.” In fact, it made her feel good to think cute was still worth something in this day and age when hot and sexy were all you ever heard about.

“Well, cute is good, and it’s a lot to work with. And you could easily go from cute to totally hot if you tried.”

“I could?” That sounded like a leap to her.

“And besides,” Tessa went on, “hot is as much a matter of attitude and enthusiasm as anything else. Trust me on this.”

Says one of my totally hot friends
. But Amy held that inside and tried to think of what else she could say in her note to Logan. Something sexual. Yikes. She just didn’t know how to do that. “I’m new at this part of it,” she said to Tessa as she stared back down at the letter. “Oh heck, I’m new at
all
of it. I don’t know how to do any of this.”

“Well, if you don’t hurry, Logan will come back to his car and it’ll be too late.” And, of course, Amy knew she’d see Logan’s car sometime again soon, but this suddenly felt urgent, and she’d come too far now, worked up her courage too much—she didn’t want to wait; she wanted to get this over with, in fact.

But as she looked to the letter in front of her again, her thoughts froze. She just didn’t know how to tell a man she found him insanely perfect and sexy in every way. She felt . . . embarrassingly inept.

And that was when Tessa yanked both the letter and pen away from her, laid the sheet of stationery back on the counter facing in her direction, and began adding something to the bottom. Oh boy. Apparently, this felt urgent to Tessa now, too.

A minute later, she finished, saying, “Okay, this is much better now. Where’s the envelope?”

But Amy only replied by snatching up the piece of paper and looking toward the bottom. Thankfully, Tessa had mimicked her handwriting pretty well. And then she read the new part.

P.S. You have the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen. And I fall asleep at night dreaming of your kisses.

Whoa. Had Tessa read her mind? Because if she could have thought of it—and had been brave enough—that might be exactly what she would have written. Because it wasn’t
too
over-the-top sexual. And it was so, so true.

Still, though, the idea of giving this to Logan—well, somehow this upped the stakes. Because if the time ever truly came to admit she’d written it, he’d know. That she wanted to . . . do things with him, things like kiss him. And she knew that was normal—she knew it pretty much went hand in hand with the other things the letter said—yet this stuff was just so much more difficult for her than for other people.

“Don’t just stand there,” Tessa said. “Put it in the envelope and get it out on his car.”

Okay. You can do this.
Even though it meant there was no turning back.

Well, okay, technically, she guessed she
could
turn back afterward—by never letting Logan know it had come from her. Yet even so, taking the step of putting this on his car seemed monumental.

Under Tessa’s prodding gaze, she folded the blue sheet of stationery and slid it into a matching envelope, then simply wrote Logan’s initials on the outside:
LW
. And without further ado, they both walked to the door and stepped out onto the sidewalk, Amy’s heart beating like a drum.

One or two people meandered along the opposite side of the square, but no one seemed to be paying attention to Amy and Tessa. “Do it,” Tessa said. “I’m watching Dolly’s front door. Do it now. Before it’s too late.”

So with her palms as sweaty as any twelve-year-old sending her first love note, Amy walked up to Logan’s car and slipped the envelope under the windshield wiper on the driver’s side. Then she gave a panicky look around, thankful to find no eyes upon her, and scurried back inside the bookstore like a mouse.

A second later, Tessa ducked in behind her, appearing a little alarmed. “That was close,” she said. “He just came out.”

“
What?
Are you serious?”

“Don’t worry—he was still talking to Anita and he didn’t see a thing.” Then she let out a big breath. “But it was close.”

They stood frozen a few seconds longer, both a little spooked by the timing, until Amy said, “We should try to look normal. He’s going to pass by the window any second now.”

So Tessa speedily went back to stocking the summer display, and Amy—seeking a little comfort, she supposed—bent down to scoop Austen into her arms from where the tabby had situated herself in one of the easy chairs. Then, with the kitty in her grasp, she eased down into the chair herself, realizing she suddenly felt a little unsteady.

“This is all gonna turn out great, Ames, you’ll see,” Tessa said from behind her then, perhaps sensing her unease now that the deed was done. And Amy only wished she could be so sure. For the second time already since falling for her old friend, she kind of wanted to throw up.

And when she saw Logan go striding past the shop’s big window, a shiver rippled through her. He was about to find it, read it. Her words of love. Passion. Things that were so foreign to her. It felt beyond strange to be sharing them. And so soon. And especially like this. Even if he didn’t know they’d come from her.

When the door opened a few minutes later, the bell jangling, she flinched, and her stomach practically shriveled when she saw who it was. “Logan,” she murmured, her heart in her throat. She sensed Tessa darting her head around from where she stood working behind her.

“Hey, did you guys see anyone near my car?” he asked, his brow knit.

“No,” Amy answered quickly.

“Why?” Tessa asked much more easily. “Something wrong with it?”

“No,” he said uncertainly. “Just wondering.” But then he stood there looking understandably perplexed and Amy wished she could read his thoughts. Was he intrigued, as she hoped? Or did he think it was juvenile? Or worse, creepy. She hadn’t really taken the time to consider all his possible responses.

“Did Anita give you a job?” she asked then, feeling the need to take his mind off the letter for at least as long as he was in her presence—since she still felt a little sick.

It worked—he grinned. “Um, yeah. She did. I start in a couple days.”

“Well, I still think you belong back in the firehouse—but for now, I’m glad for you.”

“It has to be this way, Ames. Gotta do something else.” He sounded completely resolute.

And it hit her then how so many people in her world were suddenly undergoing big transitions: Tessa and Rachel getting married, Mike and Lucky not only getting married but having Anna return home. And Logan, of course. And Anna Romo herself. And . . . her.

And maybe her own transition seemed like the smallest of the lot, but it was actually the most significant of her entire life.

She’d never been in love before, after all.

And so she’d certainly never been in love with one of her lifelong best friends.

And she’d also never wanted to
kiss
one of her best friends, or . . . do more than that with one of them, either.

And if by some truly amazing miracle Logan ever wanted her in the same way . . . well, then the time would come when she’d have to face doing something else she’d never done before. Something she feared deeply. Something she secretly craved with all her heart. And something she’d begun to think she might never get to do.

And who knew—if Logan ended up with Anna Romo, maybe she never would. She let out a sigh, sad about it in a whole new way now.

No one knew Amy’s deepest, darkest secret.

Not even Tessa or Rachel.

Which meant Tessa didn’t even completely realize all that was at stake here.

The sad truth was that, at thirty-four, Amy was still a virgin.

Six

. . . and communicate all that need be told by letter . . .

Jane Austen, from
Emma

A
my buzzed around Edna Farris’s yard, just outside the little white farmhouse, like the busy bees currently enjoying the white clover dotting the late springtime grass beneath her feet. Edna had volunteered her place for the joint couples shower Amy was throwing for Rachel and Tessa, and since the weather was nice, the lush orchard was the perfect setting.

The tables Mike had transported in his pickup truck from town hall filled the space between the house and little red barn, some designated especially for gifts or food, the rest vacant for seating, and all were laden with fresh flowers, some cut from Amy’s mother’s yard, some from Edna’s. Fortunately, both yards possessed such a proliferation that even using so many left plenty to spare.

“Does everything look pretty?” Amy asked Edna, who stood glancing around, fists planted on her hips.

“Reckon it does,” Rachel’s grandma said. “You done good, Amy.”

Amy smiled at the simple praise, feeling almost like her old self for a change. She’d always enjoyed doing things for others and making people happy. Though she still suffered from the recent realization that she also wanted something more. And that she didn’t quite know how to go about getting it.

“And don’t you worry none. Your day’ll come soon enough, too,” Edna said.

Amy tried to hold in her sigh.
Thanks for reminding me, Edna, that I have Destiny’s worst case of always-a-bridesmaid syndrome. And that people probably feel as sorry for me as I’m feeling for myself lately at having my two best friends get married in the same summer.
But she knew Edna meant well, so she only said, “Thanks, Edna. I just hope Rachel and Tessa enjoy the afternoon.”

They both looked up to see a couple of cars crossing the old stone bridge that spanned Sugar Creek and led into the orchard. A third could be seen turning in next to the Farris-Romo Family Orchard sign out by the road.

“Looks like the party’s startin’,” Edna said. And over the next twenty minutes, nearly all the guests arrived, which meant most of Destiny’s population. As luck had it, even Mike and Lucky’s parents were still in town, allowing them to come, too.

And so Amy did what she did best—she continued buzzing about, greeting people, serving up punch, setting out food. The more she buzzed around, after all, the less time she had to think about everything weighing on her. Like her virginity.

Sometimes she didn’t think about it at all. Sometimes she almost pretended to herself that she was like all the other girls, that she had a sexual past. She knew her friends thought she’d done it with Carl back in the day. At the time, they’d assumed it had happened—and for some reason she’d let them. And as years had begun to pass, she’d been glad she hadn’t dispelled the notion. Because the older she got, the more horrifying her virginity became.

Yet she just didn’t know how to get rid of it. She supposed some women in her position would go into the city with friends, go dancing, clubbing, find a man looking for a good time and let him have it. But she wasn’t “some women.” She didn’t
go
clubbing. And she wouldn’t know how to send those kinds of signals to a man anyway. And as badly as Amy wanted to lose her virginity—as desperately as her body sometimes ached for that—she just couldn’t imagine doing it with someone she didn’t know or care about. Ever. But especially not the first time.

And so she kept the unpleasant and secret distinction of being Destiny’s oldest virgin, and she felt like a loser every time she thought about it.

Which had, unfortunately, been a lot lately. And maybe that was what had driven her to make a move, like Tessa had said, to just
do something
.

Not that she really thought she had a prayer of ever getting a guy as hot as Logan to fall for her the way she’d officially fallen for him. But the idea of just delivering him, practically gift-wrapped with a bow around his waist, to another woman, made her feel . . . desperate beyond measure. Hence the note. And the plan. To do something else soon. She just didn’t know
what
yet. Or what, realistically, she expected to come from this. Besides maybe utter humiliation and despair. She didn’t
like
this business of feeling desperate, yet she wasn’t sure how to get rid of
that
any more than she knew how to get rid of her virginity.

She held back the long sigh that wanted to escape her as she passed a cup of punch to Mrs. Sheridan, Tessa’s mother. “You always do such a nice job on things like this, Amy,” the other woman said.

“Thanks, Mrs. Sheridan.”

“And I’m sure one day soon we’ll be having a shower for you, too.”

She simply nodded. One more person who meant well but somehow made her feel more pathetic than she already did.

“Need help with anything, freckles?”

When she looked up to see Logan at her side, as handsome and gorgeous as ever in khaki cargo shorts and a bright polo shirt, her chest tightened—along with a few other key body parts. A week ago, the idea of wanting him had been so new that she hadn’t quite been comfortable with even her own thoughts about it, but now . . . well, now it would be far too easy to just melt into his well-muscled arms.

“Um, no—I’m good, thanks.”
In ways, that is. In other ways, I’m a mess. And I want you so much I can barely stand it.
Yep, apparently she was getting used to thinking of Logan like this.

“As always, you’ve got it all under control,” he said with a sexy grin.

No, not all of it.
Even so, she tried her best to smile and act normal.

“Hey, there’s Anna,” he said, his eyes lighting up.

And inside, Amy emitted a low growl. It was the kind of reaction she didn’t even know she had inside her. Until now. And—oh no—it was directed at a perfectly nice woman who’d been abducted as a child, for God’s sake, and was surely going through some serious turmoil as she tried to get to know her family. Amy felt like scum.

And even more so when she saw how stunning Anna looked in a long, flowy skirt with an exotic-looking print and a lacy top that accentuated what appeared to be an absolutely perfect pair of breasts.

“Don’t forget to try to talk to her today, okay?” Logan reminded her.

As if she could forget the request. “In all my spare time,” Amy replied, trying to sound teasing, and then she added, “I’ll do my best,” thinking that with any luck she really wouldn’t have the opportunity. “Tessa was right—I’m pretty busy.”

He just shrugged in his easy, amiable Logan way. That was one more thing she loved about him—he was so easygoing, so understanding. And it was nice to have the old Logan back. “Well, you know whatever you can do will be appreciated.”

Just then, Anna spotted him and lifted her hand in a wave. And—blegh—she looked as happy to see him as he was to see her.

“Looks like you might not need my help anyway,” she heard herself say, hoping it didn’t come out too bitter.

“Maybe not,” he answered, suddenly sounding confident. Which bugged her just as much.

And that must have been what prompted the next words out of her mouth. “On the other hand, you never know. Without my magic involvement, it might not work out.”

Logan just looked at her. And she immediately understood why. When it came to matters of romance and matchmaking, she was always the picture of optimism. Always. She was, after all, upbeat, cheerful Amy, who constantly built people up, expected the best for everyone, and assured them that love was on the way. So she added a hasty, “Just kidding,” to try to cover the weird blunder.

After which the object of her desire tossed her a quick smile that she actually felt in her panties, even under these particularly horrible circumstances, and said, “Well, I’m gonna go talk to her.”

“Okeydoke,” she said, then looked back to the punch bowl as if it was in dire need of her attention.

Only a second later, though, she glanced up. Because she couldn’t stop herself. And she watched as Anna Romo greeted Logan with a hug. A hug that made her heart crumble.

Oh God,
I
want to hug him that way. Why can’t it be me? Just this once. With just this one guy. Why can’t I have the same kind of romantic fun, the same kind of love, the rest of the world seems to have?

“
Well, just standin’ there starin’ at ’em ain’t gonna fix anything.”

She whipped her head around to find Edna at her elbow, a punch cup in her hand—and gasped. Edna knew! “How did you know?”

“Got eyes in my head, don’t I?”

Oh no, was her new affection for Logan that obvious? But Edna clearly read her mind on that, too, since she went on to say, “Don’t worry—nobody else can tell. I’m just a keen observer is all.”

“Please don’t tell anybody, Edna.”

Rachel’s grandma drew back, appearing almost offended. “Do I look like I got loose lips? No need to fret—your secret’s safe with me. But I wouldn’t take it to the grave or anything if I was you. Nope—if it was me, I’d do somethin’.”

Just like Tessa had told her.
Do something.
But they both made it sound so easy. “Have you seen her, Edna?” Amy asked pointedly. “She’s beautiful.”

It surprised her when Edna merely shrugged. “Men’ll go for that sorta thing, sure. But there’s more important stuff about a woman and most of the good ones eventually smarten up enough to figure that out.”

“So what do you think I should do?” She was just beginning to remember that Edna had a wily wisdom about her that she’d always envied and admired.

“Not sure,” Edna said, disappointing her. “Only you know what’s in your heart, what kinda move you’re ready to make. But I’m just sayin’ I wouldn’t lay low for too long ’cause he’s got that look in his eye.”

Amy cringed. “What look?”

“The look of a man tryin’ to find somethin’. Somethin’ important in life—somethin’ he can sink his teeth into, if ya know what I mean. And ya don’t wanna let him start thinkin’ that somethin’ is her just because she was in the right place at the right time.”

And with that, Edna moved off, leaving Amy to her thoughts.

She feared it was already too late to stop Logan from thinking Anna was exactly what he needed right now. Heck,
she
almost wondered if Anna was what he needed. Fate
had
dropped her smack in the middle of Destiny right after Logan had decided he wanted someone new in his life. Add that to Anna being so . . . Anna, and it was hard for Amy to believe she had a chance in hell.

Watching them together was almost more than her heart could stand. It made her want to cry. And she didn’t think she’d ever felt so alone in her entire life, even standing there hosting a party with all of her closest friends around her.

The big question was: What next?

And the only answer she could come up with was, sadly, another love note from Logan’s secret admirer.

Of course, there was no blue stationery handy today. But time really did seem to be of the essence here, so she’d just have to improvise. As people milled about, she made her way into Edna’s house through the back door, suddenly glad to be alone, away from everyone. Because she was starting to cry a little, and this would give her a chance to get it under control.

Making her way into Edna’s little bathroom with the claw-foot tub and old-fashioned pedestal sink, she looked in the mirror and barely recognized herself. She wasn’t used to seeing herself cry—her eyes glassy, a tear sneaking out to roll down her cheek before she could stop it. Reaching for a tissue, she dabbed at the wetness, hoping to keep her makeup intact. Not that she wore a lot of makeup—that just wasn’t who she was.

Still looking, she took in the small lines beginning to form near her mouth, the tiny wrinkles developing around her eyes. She was getting older and she couldn’t stop the march of time. Not even the freckles sprinkling her cheeks could hide it.
I’m going to be alone forever.

And why, why, why do I suddenly care so much? Why does it suddenly feel like life is slipping away, out of my grasp? Why don’t I care about the things I used to? Where did all my blind contentment go?

Love, she had discovered quickly, was something that filled you up so much, so full, that even when it was unrequited, you couldn’t not want it. You couldn’t will yourself to go back in time and not feel it anymore. It was too consuming. And yet . . . right now, she wished she could. She hated the way she felt. Undesirable. Unnoticed. Underappreciated. Unlovable. All because Logan had kissed her and then gone back to acting the same way he always had before. While nothing in
her
world would ever be quite the same.

Part of her wanted to just run away. Just get in her car and leave the shower, leave Destiny, and drive . . . someplace. But besides being an unrealistic non-solution, she couldn’t leave Tessa and Rachel right now anyway. Her friends meant everything to her and they were always there for her, and the way things were looking, them and the cat might be all she had to cling to as life went on.