Wrestling With Desire (29 page)

Derek turned to face Scott, forgetting his defenses completely. "Scott, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it. What are you going to do?"

Scott shook his head. "I don't know. I have no idea what my dad will do now that my calculus grade is actually lower. I am guessing that my home prison is going to become maximum security."

Beck slammed her hands on the table. "If I were your mother, I would take his balls and..." Derek shot her a warning glance, trying to communicate through the intensity of his stare that this was not the right approach to take. Beck took the hint and closed her mouth.

Scott smiled bleakly. "It's ok, Derek. Actually, I wouldn't mind hearing what Beck would do to his balls right now."

Seizing the opportunity, Beck continued. "I would take his balls and hold a paring knife at them. Then I'd tell him that if he didn't stop treating you like you were some kind of criminal that I would cut them off and grind them to pulp in the kitchen sink disposal."

Derek cringed at the image Beck had painted. Scott lowered his hands protectively, covering his crotch, but his lopsided smile began to creep across his face. "I appreciate 257

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the sentiment, but that was the most grotesque threat against manhood I have heard you make."

True to form, Beck took Scott's statement as a compliment and beamed. "Thank you." To Derek's surprise, Scott started laughing heartily.

At practice, Josh went easy on the team, wanting everyone to feel energized for the meet the next day. As Derek drove Scott home, the tension was unmistakable. The closer they got to Scott's home, the more intense it became. When they finally pulled up to Scott's house, Derek let the car idle and waited to see if Scott was going to speak. When Scott made no move to speak or to leave the car, Derek decided to break the silence. "Well, I guess you are going to have to face the music." He tried to make his voice sound light-hearted, but Scott's face remained solemn. "Try not to let him get to you.

You expect him to blow a gasket, so hopefully it won't be worse than you have already prepared for."

Scott nodded his agreement. "I know. I've just been feeling really depressed lately. I feel like I am under a rock that is trapping me and I can't figure out how to free myself."

He looked at Derek. "I know I've been distant. I just can't seem to get out of my own head. Even though I studied hard for the calculus test, if I were to tell the truth, I couldn't concentrate on studying at all. I haven't been able to concentrate on much of anything lately. I feel like I'm going a little crazy."

Derek wanted to reach out and touch Scott. He wanted to hug him closely and tell him that everything would be ok and that he would be there for him for anything that he needed.

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He
wanted
to say these things, but his guard tugged at his gut, reminding him that if he wasn't careful, he would get hurt. "Scott, I know it has been tough for you, but it will pass.

Maybe right now things feel overwhelming, but things pass."

Scott sat for a moment longer then leaned towards Derek and gave him a peck on the cheek. It was just a little kiss, nothing passionate or intimate. Derek wanted to grab Scott and lock them together in a kiss that expressed how he felt.

That gave Scott all of the love in his heart. He wanted to grab Scott by the shoulders and force him to see what Derek was able to see so clearly. That his father didn't know shit and certainly didn't appreciate how incredible he was. He wanted to do these things, but he didn't.

Scott maintained eye contact with Derek for a moment. As Derek watched him, he thought he could see longing behind the surface of his eyes; a slight trembling of his exterior that indicated a deeper longing trying to get out. But then the moment was broken as Scott reached for the handle and let himself out of the car. A voice cried out inside of Derek's head.
Call him back. Don't let him walk away from you.

Ignoring the voice, he remained silent and watched as Scott let himself into his house and closed the door behind him.

* * * *

Wrestling With Desire

by D.H. Starr

even more so than on a typical day since his return from Iowa.

As the team loaded onto the bus to head to Waltham, Scott took a seat by himself in the back, placing his book bag next to him. This was an unspoken sign, understood by all of the members on the team that someone wanted to sit alone for the ride.

Derek joined Josh and Power near the front of the bus and they talked about their opponents from the previous year.

They had been able to watch a few Waltham meets prior to their scheduled meet and were relieved that most of the members of the Birmington team had remained at the same weight class as the year before. In fact, their general wrestling style seemed unchanged. Derek figured it made sense.
Why mess with something that was working so well?

Derek's opponent was Kevin Charles, also a senior. He had won the district championship for their weight class the previous year. They were fairly evenly matched, although Kevin had been stronger than Derek and was able to out-power him. Derek hoped that his weight training from the summer and from the past few weeks would help to balance their strength.

The Waltham auditorium was packed. While there were still more spectators supporting Birmington, the crowd supporting Brampton's team was much larger than it had been for the Lexington meet. Derek assumed that people wanted to come and show their support against Waltham since they had already beaten Lexington. If they won tonight, they stood a good chance of taking the division.

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Once again, Derek saw his parents sitting on the bottom bench of the nearest bleacher. His mother bought two cases of bottled water, the smaller-sized bottles of Poland Springs
,
and had a tray filled with appetizer-sized meatballs.

Shannon was also sitting next to his parents and smiled when he walked over. "Derek, it's so nice to see you." The fact that Shannon and his parents both knew why Derek and Scott had not been able to spend time together hung over them like a storm cloud threatening to unleash rain at any moment. It caused their interaction to be slightly forced.

Derek's mom put her arm around his shoulder, refraining from giving him a kiss. Somehow she knew that he would tolerate her affections, but that it would bother him more than usual under these circumstances.

When Scott walked over, Shannon gave him a hug.

Derek's dad said hello and shook his hand and his mother let go of Derek's shoulders, placing it around Scott's. "We've missed you, Scott. Good luck today." Scott smiled but looked sad.

Once both teams had warmed up, the captains went to the center of the mat to shake hands. Then the meet began. The first four matches each lasted the full three periods. Derek only half watched the matches, constantly looking back at his parents. His mother and Shannon were deep in conversation, each with worried creases wrinkling their foreheads. By the time it was Derek's turn to wrestle, he had worked himself into a small frenzy. His four teammates from the lower weight classes had all won, although not by pins, so the score was twelve to zero in favor of Brampton.

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Derek walked to the center of the mat and faced Kevin.

With each step towards center mat, he shed the distracting thoughts that were interfering with his concentration.

Thoughts of Scott, of his mother and Shannon talking, and of his worries about losing to Kevin last year. When he took neutral position, he was centered and ready to wrestle.

The ref instructed them to shake hands and blew his whistle. Derek shot, faster than usual, for Kevin's leg and captured it, hoisting it into the air. Stepping in front of the foot Kevin still had on the mat, he brought Kevin down and secured control. The ref awarded him his two points for the takedown. Kevin tried to use his strength to stand up, but Derek found that he was able to maintain control and leverage, keeping Kevin securely in his hold. Kevin tried a few other defensive moves, but Derek allowed his instincts to guide his actions and he countered them, maintaining control.

While he was strong enough to keep Kevin from over-powering him, he was unable to maneuver him to expose his back to the mat.

Entering the second period, Derek was ahead, two to zero.

He began the second period on the mat in referee's position with Kevin on top of him. When the ref blew the whistle, he mustered all of his energy and executed a perfect escape move. The ref awarded him one point. Using his skill and speed, Derek took Kevin down and was awarded another two points. As in the first period, Derek was unable to turn Kevin to his back, but he did not lose control of him either.

In the third period, Derek was ahead five to zero. Since Kevin had taken the top position in the second period, Derek 262

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had to take the top position in the third. This was Derek's least favorite position because he could not rely on his speed to gain points. He envisioned the move he would use to turn Kevin's back to the mat. When the ref blew the whistle to begin the period, he shot his arms to grab Kevin's ankle and knee and shoved with all of his weight, forcing Kevin to fall from his position on all fours to his side. Kevin struggled, but was unaccustomed to wrestling past the first period and Derek could tell that he was growing tired.
Thank God I spent
so much time running. I definitely have better endurance
than he does.

A surge of confidence shot through him. He had worked out all summer and had run all year. He knew his moves and executed them well. He had the spirit to dig deep, willing himself to push through sore muscles filling with lactic acid and lungs screaming for more oxygen. This was his year and the realization gave him a tremendous boost of energy.

Working his arm into position to secure a half-nelson hold, he slowly and steadily rolled Kevin over, earning three more points for exposing Kevin's back to the mat. Kevin fought and arched onto his head, but Derek felt his fight weakening quickly. With the last reserves of his energy, Derek tightened his hold and squeezed, forcing both of Kevin's shoulders to the mat. All he had to do was keep him there for three seconds. The ref started his count and after three waves of his arm, slammed the mat. Derek had won with a pin. It had taken nearly all of three periods, but he did it. Brampton was awarded six team points for the pin and was now ahead eighteen to zero.

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Cheers floated towards him from his team and from several of the bleachers that were occupied by Brampton students and parents. When he walked off the mat, his team hoisted him in the air, and congratulated him. Brampton won the next three matches, so when it was time for Scott's match, they were ahead twenty-seven to zero.

Derek tried to catch Scott's attention before he walked onto the mat, but Scott did not look his way. Tony Liu was his opponent and had also won division the previous year. Derek knew that this was going to be a tough match. When the ref blew his whistle, Tony took Scott down quickly. During the rest of the first period, he maintained control of Scott, turning him to his back twice. Watching Scott wrestle, Derek sensed that something was missing. Scott did not have the same determined look on his face. He seemed to be losing energy faster than usual.

Going into the second period, he was losing eight to zero.

As Derek had in his match, Scott began the period on the mat in referee's position with Tony taking the top position. He quickly escaped and took Tony down earning one point for the escape and two points for the takedown. Scott was unable to secure a hold to turn Tony to his back, but he did not lose control of Tony for the remainder of the period.

Entering the third period, the score was eight to three with Tony in the lead. Tony began on the mat with Scott on top.

He escaped quickly earning himself a point. The score was now nine to three. And then Derek saw the change.

Determination crept into Scott's eyes. Circling Tony, Scott looked like a panther stalking its prey. After about thirty 264

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seconds, he went for the takedown and successfully controlled Tony on the mat earning him two points. The score was now nine to five.

With only forty-five seconds remaining in the match, Derek could barely keep himself seated at the side of the mat as he watched.
Please Scott. Get the points you need.
Scott managed to secure a hold on Tony forcing him first onto his belly and then slowly rolling him to his back. Although Scott earned 3 points for exposing Tony's back to the mat, he was unable to pin both of Tony's shoulders down for three seconds. When the final buzzer rang, Scott had lost nine to eight.

The Birmington team jumped up on their bleachers and started screaming. With only two matches left, there was no way they were going to win the meet, but this was the first win for their team and their reaction was as if Tony had trampled Scott into the ground. Scott shook hands and the ref lifted Tony's arm as the winner. Sulking off the mat, Scott plopped down to the side of the rest of the team as Josh walked out for his match.

Both Josh and Power pinned their opponents and the final score for the meet was a crushing thirty-nine to three. An explosion of excitement rippled through the team and the Brampton spectators. People rushed to the side of the mat and everyone began hugging everyone else.

Once things had settled down, Derek looked for Scott but could not find him. Looking over to where his parents were sitting, he saw that Shannon was not there either. He walked over to his parents who excitedly hugged and congratulated 265