Finding Forgiveness (Finding Series, Book 4) (12 page)

Roman smiled against Hunter’s hand and nodded. Hunter’s hand hovered over his mouth for several seconds before he dropped it and continued. “It turns out my dad never paid this semester’s tuition and I missed all the deadlines for financial aid. The counselor was able to set me up with a payment plan and get me into work study. I had some money saved up from mowing lawns and doing odd jobs over the past few years so I was able to make the first payment and I think I’ll be able to sell my car for enough to make the second payment. I got all the applications submitted for the loans and scholarships I qualify for so I think I’ll be okay for next semester.”

“What else?” Roman asked even though it was killing him not to be able to say what he really wanted to say. Hunter looked so pleased with himself that it took the sting out of not being able to just jump in and fix things like he wanted.

“I changed my major to Engineering. I was always pretty good at math and science and I really like the idea of building things or figuring out how something works…”

“Sounds perfect,” Roman said gently.

Hunter smiled and leaned down to give him a kiss but when he sat back up, his eyes darkened somewhat. “Um, I also went to the school’s health clinic so I could get tested because I can’t be sure if all the guys at the club…if they all wore condoms. I’m clean,” he added hastily. “But I need to get tested again in three months and then again in six months.”

“Okay,” Roman responded.

“I also got a referral to see someone about…about this,” Hunter said as he fingered one of the burns on his chest. “My appointment is next week. I’m gonna talk to the guy about the men in the club too.”

“Are you still having nightmares?” Roman asked as he stroked his fingers over Hunter’s cheek.

Hunter nodded. He was quiet for a moment before lifting his eyes to meet Roman’s. “The message you read,” Hunter said quietly as he jerked his head towards the phone. “That was one of the times I was able to stop myself but there were other times that I couldn’t.”

Roman hated the tremor of fear he heard in Hunter’s voice. “I’m not going to make you promise you’ll never do it again, Hunter. I just need to know that if you get to that point where you can’t take what’s happening inside of you, that you’ll find me or call me, no matter where I am or what I’m doing or what time it is. I need to be able to try and help you work through it.” Roman let his fingers trail over the wounds on Hunter’s arm. “You never have to hide them from me – ever,” he said firmly.

“They’re part of you and I understand that they helped you get through some pretty shitty things. But I need that to fall on me now, no matter what happens with us, okay? Even if I’m the one who inadvertently ends up hurting you.”

“God, Roman, you’re really going to do it, aren’t you?”

“Do what?”

Hunter leaned down so that their lips were almost touching. “Make me fall in love with you,” Hunter whispered.

***

“Would you come with me tonight?”

“Yes,” Hunter said.

Roman’s chest lifted slightly beneath his ear as Roman chuckled and the fingers that were caressing the skin of his lower back stilled for a moment. “Don’t you want to know where first?”

Hunter shifted enough so that he was lying more fully on Roman’s body and then folded his arms under his chin. Roman adjusted the sleeping bag so it was covering him again.

“No,” Hunter responded. Roman smiled and then resumed his petting. His gaze turned to focus on the lake and Hunter used the time to study him. As strong and confident as Roman always seemed to be, Hunter couldn’t help but think he always looked just a little bit broken too. “Talk to me, Roman.”

“About what?” Roman asked though his eyes stayed fixed on the lake.

“About whatever it is that keeps your smile from reaching your eyes.”

Roman’s eyes finally shifted back to his. He didn’t speak right away. In fact, it took him so long that Hunter started to feel a niggle of self-doubt. As exciting as the idea of pursuing a relationship with Roman was, he didn’t know if he could do it if they weren’t equals in it…if it would always be about him needing Roman just a little bit more than Roman needing him.

“Gray asked to see me.”

“Is that where we’re going tonight?”

Roman nodded. “I haven’t seen him since the day you…”

“Walked away from you,” Hunter finished for him.

Another nod.

“Why didn’t you go see him when you came out here looking for me?”

Roman turned his attention back to the lake. “It was different that day I found you in your bathroom. I was so scared for you and I didn’t know what to do. And then I just knew…Gray. Just get to Gray and everything will be okay.”

“You needed your big brother,” Hunter said gently.

“That’s just it…he was never my big brother. Yeah, he was older than me and we shared some DNA but he was never a brother to me.”

“Never?”

Roman hesitated. “I guess there were a couple of times where I thought maybe he cared about me just a little.”

“Like when?” Hunter asked. Roman still hadn’t looked at him so Hunter reached his fingers up to trail them back and forth over Roman’s throat. At the contact, Roman swallowed hard but he didn’t pull away.

“The first night I spent in my father’s house, I freaked out because I was afraid my mom wouldn’t be able to find me there. The reverend had kept saying she was with God so I had convinced myself she was an angel and she’d come down to visit me in my dreams but then I panicked because I didn’t know how she’d find me.”

“You were ten, right?”

Roman nodded. “I went to Gray’s room to ask him how my mom was going to know where I was. I was crying so hard that he had to ask me a couple times what was wrong. When I finally got it out, he gave me this nightlight – it was in the shape of a stack of books – and he plugged it in the wall right next to my bed and told me that as long as I had it, my mom would always be able to find me. Then he stayed with me until I fell asleep.”

“How old was Gray?”

“Seventeen,” Roman said. “After that night I just latched on to him, you know? I was terrified to let him out of my sight. He was…he was nice about it at first, me following him around. But after a while he started shutting me out. He wasn’t cruel about it or anything – he just acted like…”

“Like what?” Hunter prodded.

“Like I wasn’t there. Then he went to college and I only saw him a handful of times after that.”

“You said there were a couple times where you thought he cared.”

“I didn’t really realize it until I was older. My dad’s wife never let me forget that I wasn’t really a part of the family. I had to call her by her first name. My dad too. They didn’t include me in any events if any of their friends were going to be around because Victoria didn’t want people to know who I was. At Christmas, Gray was the only one who ever got me something and I never got to eat dinner with them except when Gray was home from school. I always thought it was because it was a special occasion but now…”

“You think Gray had something to do with it.” Hunter said.

Roman’s pain filled eyes finally shifted to his. “Sometimes I think I’m remembering things a certain way because I want so badly to believe the lie instead of the truth.”

Hunter moved farther up Roman’s body so he could cradle his face in his hands. “I know I was pretty out of it the day you took me to see him and Luke but I saw the way Gray looked at you. It wasn’t me who put that worried look on his face.”

Roman closed his eyes. “This is so fucked up,” he muttered. “I was fine with the way things were…I was fucking fine and then it was like he just disappeared off the face of the earth and I was that little kid again.”

“You were scared you’d lost him for good,” Hunter whispered.

Roman nodded and then said, “And when I found him I was so relieved and that just pissed me off even more. Then I saw him…”

“What?” Hunter asked gently.

Roman squeezed his eyes shut as tears slipped from them. “He had fucking cancer.” Roman finally opened his eyes but covered them with his hand. “He looked so bad, Hunter. Like he’d died a thousand deaths. And all I could think was that I was going to lose my big brother. I promised myself when I left that I’d let go of the past - that I’d…”

“Forgive him,” Hunter supplied.

“Yeah. But when he called me after he went into remission, I couldn’t do it. He kept asking me to come visit; he’d leave me these long messages that I couldn’t bring myself to listen to, he sent me texts asking how I was…and I just couldn’t fucking do it.”

Hunter’s heart broke for Roman and he leaned down to brush his lips over Roman’s now damp ones. “Baby, look at me, please.”

Roman sucked in several deep breaths before dropping his arm. The vulnerability in Roman’s eyes nearly killed Hunter. He lifted his thumbs to wipe away the tears that continued to fall.

“Maybe it’s so hard to forgive him because you’re afraid he’ll hurt you again. Maybe the real question isn’t whether or not you can forgive him…maybe you need to ask yourself if you can ever trust him again. Maybe you need to put all the rest of the shit – cancer, your childhood – in a corner somewhere and find out if the man he is today is the one you need him to be.”

Hunter felt Roman’s arms wrap around him and then Roman was sitting up, taking Hunter with him. When he pressed his cheek against Hunter’s chest, Hunter closed his arms around Roman and rested his chin on his head.

“I can’t go back to being that kid anymore, Hunter. I can’t be invisible again.”

“You won’t, Roman. I promise.”

Chapter Eight

Roman let out a string of curses the second Hunter’s tongue made contact with the head of his dick. When Hunter had tentatively asked him if he could touch him, Roman had managed to keep his desire in check as Hunter’s fingers tested the weight of his balls and then traced every ridge and vein on his cock. But he hadn’t been expecting Hunter’s next move and even as he watched Hunter lower his head, Roman’s brain still hadn’t managed to process what was about to happen.

Since the exquisite caress had stopped the second he’d shouted the few choice curse words, Roman looked down expecting to see a nervous Hunter trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. What he found was a young man who looked like he’d just been handed the keys to the magic kingdom. And it made Roman even fucking harder which he didn’t think was physically possible.

Hunter, still fully dressed, sat back on his heels and slowly peeled off his shirt. But instead of reaching for his pants, his molten gaze swept over Roman’s naked body and then settled once more on his dick which was almost a beet red color. When Hunter’s hand coasted down his own chest and then settled on the bulge behind his jeans, Roman wasn’t surprised to see a bead of pre-cum form at the tip of his cock and hang there. Hunter’s gaze settled on the drop of moisture and then he licked his lips. Roman started to sit up so he could grab Hunter but Hunter scooted farther down the bed and shook his head.

“Uh-huh, remember your promise,” Hunter murmured.

“Fuck,” Roman muttered as he dropped back down on the bed. He hadn’t had any issue with Hunter’s insistence that he be allowed to explore Roman’s body as much as he wanted since it was something Roman had promised him the previous night just before Hunter had fucked him. But of course, when he’d agreed to this whole thing, he’d been expecting the innocent touches of a man still trying to find his confidence when it came to sex. But a couple of insanely intense orgasms had somehow turned Hunter into a dominant, sexy as hell top who appeared to be bent on tormenting Roman.

Roman forced himself to take deep breaths as Hunter’s torture started all over again. He wasn’t sure he could stand another round of Hunter kissing and sucking his way over every inch of Roman’s body – except his raging cock of course – but he figured if he came too soon like some horny teenage boy, then Hunter would just have to get him all worked up again. But no sooner had the thought entered his head when a hot mouth suddenly covered the tip of his cock. And when Hunter’s tongue tentatively licked his slit, Roman couldn’t stop from slamming his hips upward. He instantly felt bad when Hunter started gagging but before he could apologize, Hunter was pushing his hips back down and sucking on him hard. A hand wrapped around his base and began dragging up and down as Hunter’s tongue rimmed the ridge of his crown.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Roman shouted as he desperately fisted his hands into the bedspread. While Roman knew he should have been feeling all the little things that showed Hunter’s inexperience with giving blowjobs, all he knew was that it felt like the top of his head was going to explode and he was reaching down to try and pull Hunter off of him within less than a minute. But Hunter’s sucking only intensified when Roman grabbed his shoulder and instead of trying to warn Hunter of his impending orgasm, Roman actually tightened his grip on Hunter and began fucking his mouth in earnest. Hunter maintained his hold on Roman’s base to keep him from shoving in as deep as he wanted to go but he made up for it by hollowing out his cheeks. And then his sharp green eyes lifted to meet Roman’s and that was it – Roman came hot and hard and he watched in fascination as Hunter tried to swallow rope after rope of come. But he couldn’t keep up and when lines of white began dripping from his lips, Roman snarled and dragged Hunter up and slammed their mouths together.

He kissed Hunter soundly and then ran his tongue along the skin around Hunter’s mouth and sucked up the remaining fluid. Hunter moaned against his mouth and then took over the kiss. Roman used the distraction to work the button and zipper on Hunter’s jeans free and then he was plunging one hand into Hunter’s underwear. His sharp, twisting tugs had Hunter ripping his mouth free and looking down to see Roman’s hand snaking around in his pants.

“Oh God,” Hunter groaned as he began meeting Roman’s drags with the sliding of his hips. Within minutes Hunter was reaching for the condom and lube that Roman had placed on the nightstand. His moves were jerky and desperate but he was a quick study because he managed to get his jeans pushed down and the condom rolled down his cock in record time. And then, to Roman’s surprise, Hunter was pushing Roman down on his stomach. Slick fingers pressed between his cheeks but before they reached his hole he heard Hunter ask, “Is this okay?”

Roman had no idea if Hunter was asking about the position or him being the one to prep Roman this time around and since the answer was the same for both questions, he roughly said, “Do it.” Hunter didn’t need any more urging because a second later he felt a fingertip brush over his hole while one hand split him open. Roman could tell Hunter was already struggling with his own lust because one finger began breaching him almost instantly.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you,” Hunter grated out as he began sliding his finger in and out.

“More,” Roman said. He had no idea how Hunter had managed to only make him capable of speaking in one and two word statements or how he’d driven Roman to such a desperate level of need again so quickly but he didn’t dwell on it as another finger entered him. Roman had only bottomed on a couple of occasions early on when he’d first explored his sexuality as a teenager so the sensation of being filled was still an oddity. And like last night, the strange, burning sensation quickly gave over to something else that had Roman needing more.

“Hunter,” he whispered, his strangled voice sounding strange even to his own ears. But thankfully, Hunter got the message because he pulled his fingers free and replaced them with his cock. Hunter’s forward motion was more insistent this time around than last night and Roman let out a harsh cry when his hole collapsed under the pressure and Hunter sank all the way inside of him. Since Roman was lying flat on his stomach, his hips flush with the bed, he couldn’t reach his dick to stroke it but when Hunter set an almost punishing pace of fucking right from the get go, Roman didn’t care because the slapping of Hunter’s hips against his ass had him sliding forward hard enough to give him the friction he needed. And then it got fucking better because Hunter’s fingers dug into his hips and yanked him back to meet his thrusts. The rough treatment had Roman breaking out into a sweat as his body quickly overheated and he had to bite into his own arm to keep from shouting out his pleasure. But even with the brutal force of his pounding, Hunter seemed incapable of letting what was happening between them only be about two bodies finding relief because he leaned over Roman’s back and fisted his hand in Roman’s hair to drag him up for a long, needy kiss that was the exact opposite of the pummeling that Roman’s ass was taking.

“It’s just like you said, Roman,” Hunter whispered against his ear. “I can’t tell where I end and you begin.”

Roman groaned at the words and let his eyes slide closed as Hunter’s arm wrapped around his neck from behind so Roman couldn’t drop his head to the bed…so he couldn’t escape Hunter’s searing kiss. Not that he wanted to.

The orgasm slammed into Roman and sent him hurtling over a cliff into darkness that was dotted with brief flashes of light. He screamed as he shoved his hips into the bed over and over again and then let out another shout when he felt his tortured ass try to draw Hunter in even deeper. Hunter called out his name as he shoved into Roman as far as he could go and began convulsing deep inside his body. Fire burned Roman’s insides as the heat of Hunter’s release burned through the condom and heated him from the inside out. Every spasm of Hunter’s body on and in him had Roman’s cock answering with another aftershock. He wasn’t sure how long he lay there for before Hunter carefully withdrew from him and then rolled him onto his back. He waited expectantly for Hunter’s kiss but it never came. Because Hunter’s lips closed over his cock instead and as he gently licked Roman clean, Roman let the darkness of sleep claim him.

***

“Roman,” Gray said in surprise. “Come on in.”

Roman shifted uncomfortably on the porch and said, “Um, you mind if we go for a walk or something?”

He could tell that Gray had already gone on alert and Roman had no doubt it was because of the tone in his own voice. And after the disaster of a dinner on Saturday night, he couldn’t blame Gray for being confused.

“Sure, I’ll get my jacket.”

Roman waited on the porch and automatically began running his hand over Ripley’s head as she pushed against his leg. He wondered if someday he and Hunter would have a dog together and then immediately regretted the thought because all it did was make him think of how hard it had been to leave Hunter this morning.

After dinner with Gray and Luke on Saturday night, there hadn’t been any question as to whether or not Hunter would be spending the night with him again – it was just a question of where. They’d talked about going back to the lake but with the nights getting cooler, they’d agreed that a warm, soft bed was in order. They’d barely made it inside of Roman’s hotel room when Hunter began tugging Roman’s clothes off as he reminded him of the promise he’d made to let Hunter have free roam of his body. A marathon session of lovemaking had followed and had lasted well into Sunday morning and they’d ended up sleeping till almost noon. At that point they’d eaten a quick lunch at the hotel restaurant and then Roman had taken Hunter back to his dorm room so he could get some homework done. Roman had gone back to the hotel to try and focus on some of the work he’d been neglecting in the weeks since he’d met Hunter but it had ended up being a monumental waste of time and he’d spent much of the afternoon reading and re-reading the texts Hunter had written but never sent him. Some had made him laugh while others had ripped him open. All of them had had him wishing there was some easy answer as to how he could build a life with Hunter.

When he heard the door open and close behind him, Roman steeled himself for what was to come. He’d taken everything Hunter had said to him about needing to figure out if he still trusted Gray to heart but as Saturday night had rolled around and he and Hunter had arrived at the cabin for dinner, it was like something inside of him had shut down and he couldn’t bring himself to even be alone with Gray. Roman had ended up dumping the responsibility of carrying a conversation with Gray and Luke entirely on Hunter.

“All set,” Gray said and Roman followed him down the porch stairs and around the back of the cabin. They followed the same trail that Roman had confronted Hunter on several weeks earlier and when they walked past the tree he’d pinned Hunter up against as he jerked them both off, Roman felt his skin heat. He glanced at Gray to see if he noticed but luckily his brother was focused on the overgrown path beneath their feet.

“How are you feeling?” Roman asked. While Gray looked a thousand times better than he had when Roman had first seen him, he still seemed off somehow. Physically he looked fit and healthy but something in his eyes looked…haunted.

“Pretty good,” Gray responded. “Had another CT last week – still all clear.”

Relief went through Roman. While Gray’s initial diagnosis of testicular cancer should have been highly curable with just radiation, he’d run into complications when the disease had spread to his liver. Chemo had taken care of the tumors but even Roman knew that the risk of reoccurrence was high. 

“You look tired. Are you getting enough sleep?”

Gray shook his head. “Not as much as I probably should,” he admitted.

“Are you trying to figure out how to get Nick Archer out of that trunk?” Roman asked.

Gray laughed. “You read it?”

Roman bit back a smile. He’d picked up the first book in Gray’s
Detective Archer
series by chance when he’d been walking through the airport in London several years ago. There’d been a total of six books so far but the main character’s fate was unknown since the guy had been stuffed in the trunk of a car that went over the edge of a cliff in the very last scene of the most recent release. Fans of Gray’s work had lit up social media with arguments over whether the series was over or not and Gray had been decidedly quiet on the issue.

“Every word,” Roman admitted.

Gray fell silent for a moment before saying, “I haven’t been sleeping well because I keep trying to imagine what things would be like if I hadn’t been such a selfish prick when you were a kid.”

Roman stopped walking and swallowed hard. God, wasn’t it supposed to feel good to hear Gray admit it?

“Gray…”

“I keep trying to use the excuse that I wasn’t much older than you but that doesn’t really change things, does it? You needed me and I wasn’t there.”

“Gray, stop,” Roman said softly. “I don’t want this…I thought I did but I don’t.” He looked up to find Gray watching him with pained eyes.

“Roman, I swear to God, I’d change it if I could.”

“I know,” Roman responded. And he did. He finally fucking got it. “I don’t want to try to go back and fix the past.” At Gray’s crestfallen look, he hurried on. “Gray, I’ve been punishing you for months now but instead of walking away, you took it. All the unanswered texts, the deleted voicemails, not telling you I was in town…and then I show up on your doorstep because I had no place else to go and you were right there, no questions asked. If that doesn’t make you one hell of a good brother, I don’t know what does. But the part I need to figure out now is how to be a good brother to you because so far all I’ve done is condemn you for failing me.”