Flow (The Beat and the Pulse #6) (15 page)

A
few days
turned into a week, which turned into a week and a half, and I still hadn’t told Lori the truth.

After the other day, Ma hadn’t been herself. She’d fallen back into the clutches of her Alzheimer’s, and it was potluck who she thought I was every time I went to visit. Sometimes I was a volunteer keeping her company, sometimes I was a five-year-old Hamish, and sometimes I was my da. I hadn’t been the Hamish of right now since the day she’d given me her final wishes.

Since she was permanently at the hospital, I’d been able to tell Dr. Schwartz to stop administering the chemotherapy and make her as comfortable as possible. It was a horrible feeling…waiting for someone to die. Not just anyone. My mother. She’d been a huge part of my life in the wake of Da’s leaving. She’d sacrificed a lot for me when I was little, and I’d done the same for her when she’d needed it. Now we were waiting for… We were just waiting for the inevitable.

She looked a little sicker everyday. Her skin was pale, her eyes ringed with dark circles, her breathing more shallow than usual. She slept a lot, so I just sat with her as long as I could.

It was gut wrenching, but more than anything, it made me angry, so when I saw Storm talking to Lori, I could only see red. She’d fallen under the same umbrella that I held over Ma, shielding her from all the bad shit in the world. I cared that much, but I still didn’t tell her about the things that plagued me. The things that controlled my life. The things that might take me away from her one day.

Walking through The Underground, I only had one thing on my mind. Threatening Storm.

I could hear Lori calling out after me, begging me to leave it alone, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand by and let her be stuffed around by that asshole. Not now that I’d realized just how much I cared about her, and especially not after the incident with Stu out back. People weren’t nice in this place. If someone was looking to hurt her, it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. They were going to take her for everything.

Shoving through the double doors that led out back, I caught sight of Storm walking away toward the change rooms. I had to get him out here where we had little to no witnesses. In there, it’d cause a bigger scene than I wanted. Punching on in the midst of twenty fighters was a line I didn’t want to cross.

“
Hey
,” I shouted, powering down the hall.

Storm stopped and turned, his eyes narrowing when he saw me approaching.

“What the fuck did I tell you?” I snapped.

He rolled his eyes and held up his hands in mock defense. “You need to speak up.
I can’t hear you
.”

Smartass little prick.

Standing before him, I shoved his shoulder, making him stumble a step. “I protect the people I care about. She’s with me now.” He shook his head like he didn’t believe a thing I was saying. “I beat you in the cage, wasn’t that enough? You want me to have a go right here? All you have to do is look at me the wrong way and I’ll put your face into the ground again.”

Storm narrowed his eyes and turned to face me front on. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but at least I’m not standing here pretending to be a big man.”

I snarled and shoved him back against the wall.

“Careful, Goblin,” he went on, raising his hands. “You don’t want to get violent outside the cage. We all know how that turns out.”

“You don’t know shit,” I said, pushing away from him. “You need to respect her wishes, and stay the fuck away from her.”

“I know I hurt her… I know I did some things that are unforgivable…” he began and clamped his mouth shut.

I hesitated, tilting my head to the side in confusion. But she’d said he didn’t hit her… I wasn’t quite sure what he was getting at, but it all smelled like borderline abusive to me.

“Did you hit her?” I snarled, stepping into his face.

I was practically foaming at the mouth at the thought of any man laying his hand on a woman like that. An image of Lori covered in bruises came to mind, and I almost punched Storm in the face, but a pair of strong arms curled underneath my shoulders and heaved me backward.

“Let me go,” I snapped, shaking them off.

“Whatever this is,” came the sound of Rebel’s voice, “it’s not worth getting kicked out the Championship for.”

Storm shook his head, and his lip curled in distaste. It only served to piss me off more, and I had to turn away, jealousy and anger threatening to take over. I wanted to beat the hell out of him so he’d get the message. Nothing else seemed to be working, not even threats or the ass kicking I gave him in the cage, so violence outside the realm of referees was obviously the only thing he’d respond to.

“You,” Rebel snapped, jabbing a finger toward Storm. “Get out of here if you know what’s good for you.”

I felt my entire body trembling with the effort it was taking to keep myself in check.

How was I going to handle Ma passing away? How was I going to handle telling Lori I might be headed down the same road? How was I meant to handle any of it?

For so long, I’d been bottling it all up inside, and it was finally reaching critical mass. I was going to explode, and when I did, it was going to be messy.

“Start talking,” Rebel said, breaking me out of my spiraling thought pattern.

“It’s none of your business.”

“It damn well is when I have to break up a fight in the hallway. You know Max could’ve come out here and found you two going at it? You know there’s zero tolerance for this kind of shit. Why would you risk it?”

“He’s been harassin’ Lori again,” I muttered. “He needs to be told.”

He snorted and shook his head. “I’ll keep an eye out.”

I squared my jaw. “It’s not your problem.”

“If someone was messing with Charlie, I’d sure as hell want a guy like you keeping an eye out. You know as well as I do we can’t watch over our girls every second we’re in this place. Not that either of them can’t handle themselves.” He laughed. “Shit, dude. Not everyone here is like that dick Storm.”

I frowned. No, they weren’t, but they were few and far between.

“I’ve seen the way you look at her,” Rebel said after a moment of silence. “That’s worth protecting.”

I glanced at him, realizing that this thing I’d been doing with Lori was more than a simple attraction. I’d known it all along in one way or another, but I’d never actually acknowledged it. I’d never stood in front of a mirror and said the words aloud. Like everything else in my life, I’d been pushing it aside so I could be a pillar of strength.

Well, the fucking pillar was beginning to show signs of deterioration.

I snorted and glanced away, watching as two fighters emerged from the change rooms. They were ready for the next fight of the night, their hands wrapped tightly. They looked all buddy buddy now but someone was coming back with their teeth knocked out.

“Yeah,” I said to Rebel, glaring at the fighters as they passed. “If you say so.”

Rebel sighed and began moving away toward the warehouse. “You know where to find me.”

Not acknowledging his offer, I strode toward the change rooms. I had to get out of this place and think about this shit for a while.

I didn’t want to die, but I wouldn’t have a choice in the matter. If I was…I didn’t want to burden Lori with all the things I’d been shouldering with Ma. I imagined the look on her face when the truth came out, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her. It was a cop-out, but it was too hard.

And just like that, Ma’s final wishes became too much to handle.

I
didn’t see
Hamish again after our post-Storm conversation at the bar.

He just disappeared, and it made doubt creep into my mind. After a week of being together nonstop, his sudden absence was worrying. He’d said we were together, but my stupid female mind was mulling over the endless possibilities to the point I was making myself paranoid.

Maybe he was just with his mum. I began to fret over the fact he hadn’t told me about her, and if she was getting worse or her treatment wasn’t working or if she had to have surgery… I didn’t even know what kind of cancer she had or if Hamish had anyone to help him. His dad was gone, and he’d never mentioned any siblings or family members who were around. Maybe they were all in Ireland?

The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize I didn’t really know Hamish McBride as well as I thought I did.

What was it about me that he couldn’t trust? Did he think I was going to ditch him the moment he confided? I’d never leave him in this on his own—I’d never leave him at all—but how was I meant to get that through his head when I wasn’t supposed to know his mum was sick in the first place?

The hospital was a hive of activity as I strode through the ward. It was visiting hours, so people were coming and going from the rooms lining each side of the hall while the nurses and orderlies were doing their rounds. A lady with a cart full of lunches rolled by, the scent of hot food mingling with the disinfectant smell making me want to hurl.

I’d hoped to confront Hamish face-to-face and force him to come clean by showing up at the hospital, but when I stood outside Mrs. McBride’s room, he wasn’t there. I stared through the door, my bag over my shoulder and my hands shoved into the pockets of my denim jacket. Now that I was standing here alone, I wasn’t sure what to do.

She was in a private room with a large window that overlooked the city beyond. She was sitting up in bed, eating her lunch, or at least, trying to. Her fork poked at the meal, but nothing was reaching her mouth. Now that I could see her clearly, I recognized a great deal of Hamish in her.

I was overstepping in a big way, but I was desperate for answers he wasn’t giving me. The feeling of helplessness that ached inside my chest was familiar, but in many ways, was it wasn’t. Hamish was going through the toughest time of his life, and he felt he couldn’t confide in me.
I couldn’t help him
.

The nurses’ station was directly behind me, and I shuffled from foot to foot as their conversation drew my attention away from my own hesitation.

“I have to explain who I am every time I go in there,” a younger woman was saying.

“Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease,” another added. “They teach you enough to deal with patients in nursing school, but the reality is a lot different.”

“It’s early onset, too,” an older nurse said, then clucked her tongue. “It’s a shame. Her son comes in almost every day.”

“It must be tough on him, coming here alone like that and not having your mum recognize you.”

Anguish began to sear through my body, and I almost turned around and gave those nurses a lecture on gossiping about a patient and her family, but I was too stunned. I knew Mrs. McBride had cancer, but early onset Alzheimer’s?

My heart dropped to my feet as I began to realize the extent of what Hamish had been dealing with. Was it pride that had stopped him from telling anyone about her?

Oh, Hamish…

The nurses had stopped their chattering and had become aware of me standing there, so I stepped into the room to get away from them. I was here now, so I may as well do a bloody commando roll right over the point of no return.

“Mrs. McBride?” I asked gently.

She glanced up at me and frowned. “Do I know you?”

I wasn’t sure if Hamish had told her about me or if she understood, but I explained it anyway. “I’m Lori,” I said, standing at the foot of the bed. “I’m—”

“You’re Hamish’s girlfriend?”

My eyes widened in surprise.

“He told me all about you,” she said. “The tattooed girl with the blue hair. Not his usual type, but then again, he’s never brought a girl to meet his mother.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come in here like this… Hamish doesn’t even know I’m here.” I shook my head, glancing out the window. “He hasn’t told me about you. He’s going to be real mad…”

Mrs. McBride clucked her tongue. “I told that boy to make good with you.”

“You did?”

“I don’t know if it’s the cancer that’s makin’ my head right, but I’ve been seeing things clearly a lot more often than usual.” She gestured for me to come forward. “Let me have a look at you.”

I stepped closer, and she grabbed my hand. Looking me up and down, she lingered on my face, her eyes boring into mine like laser beams.

“You’re a pretty thing,” she said after a moment. “And ballsy if you came here without my Hamish knowin’.”

I felt the tension begin to bleed from my limbs as I allowed a smile to creep onto my lips.

“He needs a strong woman,” she went on. “He’s just as stubborn as his father was.”

“He said his father left when he was young…”

She nodded, dropping my hand. “I see he’s told you a great deal…but not the most important bits.”

“I’m sure he had a good reason,” I offered. “He’s strong.”

“He fights too much,” she said. “There’s only so much strength a person has, and Hamish likes to think he’s a bottomless well. I don’t know why he keeps gettin’ himself messed up like that. It breaks my heart seein’ the cuts on my baby’s face.”

My mouth fell open. “You know he fights at The Underground?”

“Yes, and I wished he didn’t.” Mrs. McBride snorted and promptly changed the subject. “Tell me about you, Lori.”

“There really isn’t much to tell. I’m pretty normal.”

“Nonsense. Everyone has a story. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m not goin’ to be here much longer. If you’re the one for my son, then I want to know he’s goin’ to be in good hands when I cark it.”

I gasped slightly at her forthright approach to her illness.

“Don’t be so surprised,” she said with a chuckle. “I might have trouble with my memories, but I understand I’m not long for this earth.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I blurted, “I’m sorry…”

She waved me off. “
Tell me about you
.”

“Well,” I began, trying to think of what to say. “I work at a bar, and that’s how I met Hamish. We were friends at first…”

She laughed. “Friends?”

“It didn’t work so well.”

“What else?”

“I live in Clifton Hill with a roommate. The rent’s expensive, but it’s close to the shops and train station. My sister, Chloe, lives in Queensland with her husband and two-year-old son. My parents still live in Melbourne. They’re out in Cranbourne.”

“What do your parents do?”

“My dad’s retired, but he used to work as a bricklayer. He has problems with his back now because of all the hard labor. My mum worked administration at a small family-owned vet clinic for at least twenty years or so. Ever since I could remember, anyway. We always had foster kittens and puppies when we were kids.”

Her questions went on for a while, including a round of pointing out my favorite tattoos and telling her the stories behind them, and I found the conversation flowing just as easily as it did with Hamish. Without a doubt, he was his mother’s son. I decided I liked her very much.

“You’re pretty cool, Mrs. McBride,” I said with a smile.

She laughed and picked up her fork, trying to eat something. When she stopped talking, I could see the effects the cancer had wrought on her body. She looked tired. Sunken and tired. Talking about Hamish had made her feel alive despite what she was going through. She loved him more than I’d ever understand.

When she glanced up at me, her eyes narrowed.

“Who are you again?” she asked.

“I’m Lori,” I replied, realizing her mind was taking her away. “I’m your son Hamish’s girlfriend.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding like she was drifting far away.

“It’s okay,” I murmured, squeezing her hand. “You should rest.”

Mrs. McBride blinked at me, and then her gaze was drawn over my shoulder. That’s when I felt the presence of someone standing behind me.

“Hamish,” she said, waving the fork at him. “Have you met Lori?”

My expression fell, my heart beginning to thump erratically as I realized I’d been caught doing the worst possible thing in the entire world. He never invited me here. I wasn’t welcome.

“Lori,” Hamish said thinly.

I couldn’t even look at him as I turned around.

“Can I talk to you out in the hall?”

I nodded, a tear slipping down my cheek. “Yeah.”

Without another word, I followed him out of the room, my head bowed. I didn’t know what was about to happen, but it wasn’t going to be good. Not by a long shot.