Flow (The Beat and the Pulse #6) (19 page)

“Lori…”

“I really believe I’d be good at this job. I mightn’t have had the time behind the computer, but I’m a fast learner, and I really want to make a go of something new. Something legitimate.”

“Lori…”

“I’d never complain. I’d work real hard—”

“Lori,” Ash said firmly. “Shut up for a moment.”

I closed my mouth, beginning to feel like I’d stuffed up the entire interview. There was no way I was getting this job. I shouldn’t have applied knowing the owner was friends with Hamish. It was a recipe for disaster before I even sent foot in here.

“I understand a lot of where you’re coming from,” Ash began. “I don’t know why or how you ended up working in a place like that, but I’m a strong believer in giving people a chance. I know all about that. More than I’d like to admit most days. If you ask Ren about it, she’ll tell you wild stories about taming the beast.” He chuckled to himself like he was reliving the greatest moment of his life in his head. “I opened up Pulse to help people, Lori. Fighters, deadbeat kids like I used to be, people who just need a foot up.
Anyone who needs it
.”

“What are you saying?” I asked, not sure how to take his words. Damn, I was offended he thought I was in the category of ‘needing a hand’ but still secretly hoped he’d give me the job. Talk about whacked.

He laughed again and held out his hand. “I’m saying you can start tomorrow. What do you say?”

My gaze dropped to his hand, and my mouth fell open. “Are you serious?”

“Lesson one. Your new boss doesn’t shit around with things like this. Shake on it, Lori, before I change my mind.”

Reaching out, I grabbed his hand and shook it furiously. “Thank you. You don’t know what this means…”

He winked. “I think I have an idea.” Straightening up, he began to rattle off some things I needed to know. “Ren will help you with the computer stuff, and my sister, Vee, is on speed dial since she set this place up.” He leaned closer and murmured. “I twisted her arm. Bring in your bank and tax details in the morning, and we’ll sort all that stuff out then.”

“What time?”

“Office hours are from eight to five, but sometimes, we cut at four. Ren and I are up and about in the gym from six-thirty a.m.” He pointed out the door. “We have an apartment over the gym, so Ren and I are always here.”

“You live above your gym?” I asked, my mind being blown yet again. Talk about being serious about your work.

“Living the dream,” he said with a chuckle. “See you tomorrow?”

That was my cue to get moving while the going was still good, and I nodded. “I’ll be here. Don’t you worry.”

Thundering down the stairs and emerging into the gym, I took a look around, taking in the light and airy space that was full of fitness equipment with a healthy dose of muscled guys draped all over it.
Not bad
. They were fighters, but not the kind that graced The Underground and had ripped me apart in the past. No, these guys were trying for bigger things in the AUFC. I didn’t feel like I had to look over my shoulder in a place like this.

I was worried about running into Hamish, but somehow, I knew deep down he wouldn’t come back here. Ash would let him know I was part of the furniture, and that would be it.

At least now I had something to look forward to. A job with a nice boss, normal people hours, and legit pay going into the bank.

It was step one in getting on with life. Step two, which was getting over losing the love of my life, would take time.

T
he wind was
full of ice today.

It whipped around my body without a care, slicing through me like a knife. I shivered but didn’t move to button up my heavy black overcoat.

The assembled mass of people clad in black clothing was a somber sight, the only color breaking up the monotone was the shock of pink carnations that lay upon Ma’s coffin. The flowers were cheap, and the lady at the florist was confused as to why I wanted them put into a fancy wreath, but I didn’t give a shit what she or anyone else thought. They were Ma’s favorite.

I’d sat through the stream of condolences at the funeral home in a stupor, my body present, but my mind someplace far away. Ash and Ren sat with me at the front as the minister talked. I think some music played, and then Ash, Rebel, Cole, Ryan, and Cole’s brother Frank helped me carry Ma’s coffin out to the hearse.

I was sure a million other things had happened, but I was on autopilot. If I let it all in, if I allowed myself to feel her loss, I was afraid I’d never be able to surface again. Standing beside her as she was lowered into her final resting place, it was all so…final.

There had been a thousand things to do, so in one way or another, I wasn’t alone much in the past week. So much bureaucracy and red tape went into these things, more than I ever thought was possible. I’d put Ma’s belongings into storage not long after she went to the home. So there was nothing to do straight away other than organize her funeral and let the authorities know she was no longer here.

I went through her address book and notified all her friends—the friends who’d fallen away once she started to get sick. Now, standing beside the hole in the ground where the funeral director was lowering her coffin, I realized just how loved Ma really was. Everyone who was able had come.

A hand came to rest on my shoulder, and I glanced up at Ash.

“There’s someone here I think wants to see you,” he murmured into my ear.

Following his gaze, my lips parted in surprise as I caught sight of Lori lingering on the fringes of the group that had assembled in the shitty weather to pay their final respects.

The blue in her hair was bright against the black dress she wore, her hands wedged in the pockets of her leather biker jacket. The wind picked up the blue strands and flung them in her face, but she didn’t move to brush them away. Like she knew I was staring at her, her eyes found mine. A small flash of fear passed through them, but I wasn’t about to throw her out.

Ma’s words came back to me in a blaze of glory.
She’s lovely. I’d feel better knowin’ she’s here with you.

I waited until the group of mourners began to disperse before I ventured toward her.

I stood beside her, not game enough to look her in the eye. She didn’t say anything at first, so we just began walking. We moved through the headstones, away from prying eyes and separating ourselves from the scene that had just played out.

We stopped underneath the branches of a large oak tree, the wind leaving us alone for the moment. I stood there, not able to open my stupid mouth to say a single word. Everything just hurt too much.

“I’m sorry. About your mother,” she finally said.

It was the first time she’d spoken to me since that day at the hospital when I threw her out, and her voice sliced through me much like the weather had moments before. I shrugged, the gesture feeling like I’d just bench-pressed the entire world.

Lori turned her face away for a moment, and when she turned back, she sighed. “I don’t know the right way to say this, but… I’m sorry for everything. I screwed up the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I’ll never forgive myself.”

She shuffled from foot to foot, lowering her gaze before raising it again.

Then she dropped a bomb. “I’m in love with you, Hamish.”

Her words slammed into my heart and soul, leaving me dazed like I’d been sucker-punched in the cage where I fought five nights a week. She loved me? What was I supposed to do with that today of all days?

“I’m not sure when things changed, but I realized the night Stu…” She scoffed, shaking her head. “I wanted to tell you that night… I was going to but…”

I stared at her, but nothing was registering. I was having an out-of-body experience.

“Hamish, please,” she said, her eyes misting with tears. “Please, say something…”

I couldn’t.

“I didn’t want to tell you like this,” she went on. “Not today, but I was afraid I’d never see you again.”

I waited, hoping for some kind of divine intervention.

“He never hit me,” she said hastily. “Storm. And he never did those things to that woman in America. It was all a fabrication.”

“He tell you that?” I asked, finally breaking my silence.

She nodded. “I believe him. We’ve gone our separate ways now, and he won’t be calling on me again.”

I snorted and glanced away. I was numb.

“So, that’s what I wanted to say…” She trailed off, glancing toward the place where Ma’s coffin had been lowered into the ground.

Her words were already fading into the background and being squashed into the little place I’d pushed all the feelings that were too hard to handle. I was a shell of a man, who’d just had his entire world taken from him. I didn’t know who I was without my family. I didn’t know who I was without someone to protect. How could I stand here and let her love me when I couldn’t find it within me to love her back?

“Right,” she said, her voice breaking. “I understand.”

She began to back away, slowly at first like she was hoping I’d ask her to stay, then when I didn’t do anything, she turned on her heel and fled.

I watched her as she disappeared through the cemetery, a black smear against the rows of gray, my heart numb and my body frozen.

She just walked away, and I didn’t do a thing to stop her.

A
few weeks passed
, and I settled into Pulse like it was a second home.

Ash was a good boss and was more like a mate most days than an employer. His wife, Ren, was pretty awesome, too. Things were really beginning to work themselves out—my heart was slowly repairing itself, my bank balance was finally filling up with legit money, and I hadn’t seen Hamish once. That last part wasn’t a good thing.

The man I’d fallen in love with had excised me from his life like a weed even after all the things I’d said to him at his mother’s funeral. Which, in hindsight, was probably as stupid as going to see her in the hospital had been.

That miserable day at the cemetery, I’d hoped for a miracle because that’s what grand declarations were all about, but real life had let me down once again. I couldn’t make Hamish forgive me, and I definitely couldn’t make him love me back.

Now I was a part of something good even though it was among a group of expats from The Underground. Seriously, I even ran into Steel, who was the last guy I’d expect to see in Ash Fuller’s gym considering Ash Fuller was the one who put him in hospital. I never knew him personally before, but it was like our past experiences with the place had brought us all together in its wake. Apparently, he was in training to become a police officer. Talk about a total one-eighty.

I’d worked at The Underground, but I’d never really been a part of it. Now that I was at Pulse, I was beginning to feel a sense of belonging, and it felt real good. It was the fresh start I needed, and wherever Hamish was, I hoped he was finding his feet again, too.

Closing down the computer at the end of another busy day, I gathered my things, slung my bag across my shoulder, and turned off all the lights. Thundering downstairs, I whistled at Ash—who was finishing up another day of training with his two protégés, Ryan and Cole—to let him know I was clearing out.

Opening the back door, I stepped out into the cool Melbourne evening. The days were beginning to lengthen, winter finally lifting its icy touch from the city. It would be a hot summer this year, and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all. One day, I’d be able to afford a new car that had air conditioning. That would be a blast. More than a blast, it’d be bloody
epic
.

Fumbling for my keys in the bottom of my bag, I cursed as my fingers kept grazing over them. I had to clean out this thing stat because I couldn’t find anything I wanted when I actually needed it. Glancing up, my gaze smashed into the last person I was expecting to see for as long as we both shall live.

Hamish.

He was leaning up against the side of my shitty excuse for a car, his hands wedged into the pockets of his denim jacket, looking the epitome of the bad boy who waited by his girl’s ride after school. Probably so they could pash until they both got suspended for indecent behavior by the campus security. Total teen movie cliché.

I stopped in my tracks, not sure if I should run back into the safety of Pulse or go and face the music.
Whatever tune it might be in
.

“Hey,” he said, his lips quirking. Pushing off my car, he straightened up to his full height—his full, formidable, muscled, handsome height—and sauntered toward me.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. As per usual, he’d mesmerized me into a stupor.

He looked tired. His eyes were ringed with dark circles, and it definitely wasn’t from a couple of well-aimed punches. I knew he would take his mother’s death hard, but seeing him like this six weeks after the fact… I couldn’t imagine how he felt. It was wrong of me to even try to understand the things he’d endured on his own.

Finally, after what felt like an age, he stood before me. He was just as I remembered him. His scent, his presence, his voice, his…everything. I’d never forget him, and as I began to tremble, I knew my body wouldn’t, either.

“Lori,” he said, my name escaping his lips as a sigh.

A storm of emotions began to swirl inside me. I couldn’t allow hope to override all the things I’d been working toward these past weeks. If I allowed myself to believe he was here to ask me back, I wasn’t sure I could come back a second time.

After a moment of stunned silence, I murmured, “Hey…”

“I played out this moment so many times,” he said. “I thought about all the things I wanted to say to you, but now that I’m here…” He ran his hand over his face and scratched his jaw.

My eyes followed his every movement, and I began to realize just how
not
over him I was.

“Hamish…”

“The worst thing I ever did was let you walk away the day of the funeral,” he blurted.

I shook my head. “No,” I replied. “I should never have laid that on you. Not there. Not then. I made the same mistake as that day in the hospital…”

“No,” he said firmly, making me hesitate. “You were right all along. I was the one who was wrong. About all of it.”

I frowned, totally and utterly confused. “I… I don’t…”

“I should have let you in, Lori. I should have told you about Ma. I should have been there to introduce you while you had the chance to know her. I should’ve fought for you.” He bowed his head and sniffed. “Am I too late?”

My heart swelled, and my knees began turn to jelly.
Was
he too late?

When I hesitated, Hamish grabbed my hands and sank to his knees like he was about to ask the ultimate question while I just stood there like a useless lump. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. Hamish McBride had KO’d me.

He stared up at me with such hope in his eyes, and he said, “Will you let me love you, Lori Walker?”

This was it, the moment I’d been too afraid to hope would come true. Now that it was here, I was still teetering on the edge, afraid of the plummet into the unknown, afraid that I’d still lose, no matter what I did.

His grip tightened on my hands, and his eyes sparkled with what looked like tears. Hamish ‘Goblin’ McBride, terror of The Underground, was crying over me? Lori Walker, a nobody?

Tugging his hands, I urged him to his feet and pressed against his chest. My forehead came to rest against his jaw, something inside of me almost too shy to let him kiss me despite all the obliterating sex we’d already had. Our bodies fit together, our arms winding around one another, finding familiarity in the darkness.

He moved, and his lips brushed against my forehead. I tilted my chin up, taking one final chance on the mess that was Lori and Hamish. Hamish and Lori.

His mouth found mine, and every nerve ending inside my body came alive as he kissed me softly, his touch tentative and gentle, nothing like the night he’d first kissed me at The Underground. He kissed me like he had a million things to say, a million words to whisper, a million roads to travel. He kissed me like I was the most precious soul in the world.

Breathing heavily, I trembled against him, wanting nothing more than to sink into his arms, grasp him tight, and never let go.

“Yes,” I whispered against his mouth. “Love me like I love you, Hamish McBride.”

He groaned, the sound echoing through his chest and into me. “Thank fuck.”

We stood out the back of Pulse for what felt like a million years, just wrapped around one another, feeling all the things neither one of us had dared feel until right now. Love, longing,
completeness
… It was a lot to absorb in the wake of such sadness.

“For a moment there, I thought you were going to ask me to marry you,” I said, winding my fingers around his T-shirt.

His lips curved into a wicked smile, and he leaned his forehead against mine. “Not yet.”

“Not yet?” I teased, totally lost in everything he was in that moment.

He smiled, his green eyes sparkling with mischief. “For now, let’s just go with the flow.”