My Blue Eyes (10 page)

     Mary's mom found her lying in a pool of her own vomit.  She had overdosed on sleeping pills.  Her mom didn't know how many she had taken since the prescription was from a few years back.  The bottle was empty and placed by a tall glass of water she used to wash them down.  Mary didn't leave a note, she didn't have to.  She said it plain and simple to me when she said she just wanted it all to end.  Her mom and I missed the signs.  
     
     She said Mary started feeling better a while after I left and got herself ready to attend the party.  Mary left around 9:00 PM, so her mom decided to go celebrate New Year's Eve at a local bar downtown with friends.  She said she had all but accepted the fact she was going to have to stay home with Mary, until her mood suddenly changed.  She was upbeat and excited with the prospect of surprising me at Matt's party.  No one knows how far she made it to the party, but I could guess it was once she saw the amount of people there.

     Her mom went on to explain Mary's battle with mental illness.  Mary was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety.  I would find out later on in life that having multiple mental illnesses made you more susceptible to suicidal thoughts and attempts.
     Even before the suicide of her dad, Mary was showing all the signs.  She never wanted to go to school, hang out with other kids or go anywhere.  Her dad enabled the behavior by allowing her to avoid these things without any parental intervention or support.  He suffered for years from Bipolar Disorder. Ms. Wizcowski tried her best to get Mary out there.  And when forced to, Mary would do her best to conceal herself from the outside world.  Whether it was constantly keeping her head down or wearing her hair covering her eyes.  Everything made sense to me now.
     Shortly after her father's death, Mary's behavior became increasingly worse.  Over her next four years, she would spend weeks at a time at the state hospital.  Every time she would get better, she would be released to her grandmother in Iowa, where she was home schooled.  They thought they had finally gotten her on the right medication, as she had gone ten months without having any major issues.  There were little ones here and there, but nothing her grandmother couldn't deal with.  This is when they decided, at the advice of her doctor, to start integrating her back into school.  I guessed this is why she only took the one class at school.  
     Mary started out strong once she returned to her mom's.  She took her prescribed medication as directed and was having no issues.  That was until the first time we kissed at Colapi Creek.  I played dumb, like nothing happened that day, but apparently it caused Mary to have an episode.  She was hospitalized on the fourth floor for a couple weeks after she refused to do anything but stay in her room.  Then, there was the haunted house trip.  Her mom didn't mess around with Mary secluding herself this time and had an immediate risk evaluation completed on her.  I didn't know this, but she was suicidal this night as well.  The next episode took place after the fight between me and the O'Neils, which lead to me being in the hospital.  I guess she felt guilty for it and spent a few more weeks on the fourth floor of the hospital.  For those that forgot, this was commonly referred to as the crazy floor.
     Now there was this episode.  Mary was feeling down enough to where she tried to end it all.  One could imagine the immense responsibility I felt for all of this.  Every episode she had was a direct result of being with me.  Everyone tried their best to convince me it wasn't my fault.  Mary's mom even went on telling me how wonderful I was for Mary.  She told me the times Mary spent with me was the liveliest she has ever seen her.  She was happy, full of life and looked forward to waking up and seeing me again.  She said I was the best thing that ever happened to Mary, and she thanked me for it.  I didn't believe it though.  How could I?  The girl I loved with all my heart was now fighting for her life as a direct result of her relationship with me.

     The ER doctor told Mary's mom it was a blessing she vomited.  Without this, she probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to make it through this.  She would have been dead.  I wanted to see her, but no one was allowed to at this time.  Mary was in a coma like state and the doctors were waiting for her to wake up.  They didn't know how long it would take.  It could be hours, days or even weeks.  They had explained to Mary's mom what was going on with her body right now and I think she only half accurately explained it to us.  It was something about the pills affecting her nerve cells, causing them to no longer stimulate the muscles that help her breathe.  This deprived her lungs from oxygen, causing her to be in the coma like state she was in.  This apparently also affected the oxygen to the brain, which could pose some long term health risk for Mary.  The doctor said her mom found her soon enough and was hopeful the risks would be minimal.  This was the best possible news for me to hear at that time.  I wished she would have led with this information.
    
     I kept my face buried in my hands as my elbows rested on my knees the entirety of the conversation.  Mom was on one side of me applying a comforting hand on my shoulder, while Troy sat on the other side doing the same.  I always thought Troy hated me.  He picked on me the most out of all my brothers, but when it was time for him to step up and be a big brother, he was there.  I honestly think that was more comforting to me at the time.  It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last.   
Chapter 25

     I stayed with Mary at the hospital the next two nights.  She was still out and finally woke up on the day I went home to get some rest.  It was next to impossible to get a good night's sleep on a hospital couch.  Her mom had called while I was sleeping and told my mom she was awake and wanted to see me.  Of course, my mom waited a few hours to wake me up.  She could tell I was sleep walking when I came home after spending two nights there.
     I was super stoked she was finally awake and couldn't wait to see her.  I rehearsed in my head what I would say to her.  Mom gave me a few pointers and reminded me not to be insensitive and ask her why she tried to kill herself.  I wouldn't have asked that anyway.  I knew why she did.  She couldn't take the mental anguish she was in and wanted it all to go away.  

     I was angry with her though.  I was angry because she tried to take the easy way out instead of fighting to get better.  I was angry because she knew there were people who loved her and didn't take their feelings into consideration.  It was stubborn and insensitive what she did.  What if she would have succeeded?  How many people would be suffering then?  It wasn't fair and I wanted to tell her that, but I knew I couldn't.  I wanted to tell her she should have let me stay with her that night.  She should have let me comfort her through this.  Life is too precious of a gift to take it away yourself.  All that anger soon vanished when I walked into her room and saw her smile.
     "Hey Darrel," Mary said while reaching out her hand for me.
     "Hey baby.  Are you feeling better?"
     "I'm just a little tired," Mary chuckled.  "You would think I would be well rested after all the sleeping pills I took."
     It was good to see Mary still had her sense of humor.  I scanned the room and saw Mary's mom and a couple of older folks, whom I assumed were her grandparents from Iowa.
     "Are these your grandparents Mary?" 
     They got up from their seats and walked over to me.  Her grandmother gave me a hug and her grandfather gave me a firm handshake.
     "So you're the baseball star I've heard so much about?"  He asked while still shaking my hand.
     "I don't know about star, but yes, I play baseball."
     "Quit being so modest Darrel," Mary said as she gave me a light shove on the rear.  "You know we are all going to be watching you on television in the future."
     I gave Mary a light hearted laugh, "I wish."
     Her grandfather finally released his grip and squeezed me on the trapezius.  It made me drop my shoulder a bit and he laughed out loud.
     "Sorry Darrel.  Sometimes I don't know my own strength."
     "It's alright," I replied with light laugh.  "I guess if I ever need a good massage, I'll know who to ask."
     Mary's mom let out a giggle and got up and tried leading them out of the room so Mary and I could be alone.
     "Let's go grab a bite to eat now that Darrel is here.  Let these two have a little privacy."
     I pulled up a chair to the side of Mary's bed, sat down and grabbed her hand.  Her hands were usually so warm and smooth, but today they were cold and dry.  I rubbed them a bit and then brought them up to my mouth so I could kiss them.
     "I love you Darrel."
     "I love you too Mary.  You gave us all a really good scare."
     Mary turned her head away as the tears filled her eyes.  "What I did was stupid Darrel.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I'm so sorry."
     "Well the good news is you’re okay.  Let's just move on from this.  I love you no matter what Mary.  Just please, don't ever try this again."
     Mary brought her hand up to my face as she squinted her eyes trying to hold back the tears.  "We need to talk about something Darrel."
     I knew this couldn't be good.  My eyes started getting that warm feeling and my throat started to burn as I tried to hold in my emotions.  I felt a sickness in my stomach as Mary broke the news to me.
     "I love you so much Darrel." Mary stated as she kept getting choked up.  "I need some serious help.  You have been so great to me and I will always love you for that.  But..."  Mary took a deep breath and tried to get out what she obviously didn't want to tell me.  "My grandparents found a great program for me that specializes in my behaviors."
     I could no longer hold my emotions in check.  Still holding on to Mary with one hand, I brought my other hand up above my eyes to shadow them from my impending tears.  "What are you trying to say Mary?"
     "I'm leaving for Minnesota tonight Darrel."  Mary tried to stay strong while breaking the news to me, but she couldn't hide the pain she was also feeling.  "The doctor's releasing me today and my mom and grandparents are driving me there.  I'm sorry."
     I shook my head not wanting to hear what she was telling me.  "For how long?"
     "As long as it takes for me to get better.  I want to get better Darrel.  I need to get better for me."
     "So what's this mean for us?" I stubbornly asked.
     "I will always love you Darrel."  I turned away from Mary hiding whatever emotion I could.  I wanted to leave.  "Darrel, please look at me.  I need you to be alright with this.  I need you to want this for me."
     I wanted to be selfish.  I wanted her to tell her to stay here and to let me help her get through this.  I wanted to tell her I couldn't live without her.  I didn't though.  I composed myself and turned to her.
     "I don't know what to say Mary.  Tell me what you want me to say.  Tell me what to do."
     Mary pulled me towards her.  "I want you to live your life.  I want you to have the best damn baseball season of your life.  I want you to go to college and have the time of your life.  What we had was wonderful Darrel.  I will never forget you.  If what we have is meant to be, then we will meet up once again.  Hopefully, I'll be better and who knows.  Right now...I have to go and get better.  So what I want you to do, is stand up and kiss me one more time, whisper in my ear that you love me, and walk out that door.  I love you Darrel Watson."
     I stood up and placed my hands on Mary's face with my thumb positioned in front of her ear while my fingers gripped the back of her neck.  I kissed her one last time on the lips, reached my other arm around her back to fill her with my embrace and whispered in her ear, "I love you Mary.  I will never stop loving you."
     I let go of her and took a few steps back, never taking my stare away from her eyes.  I turned around and walked out the door.  I tried to hide my bloodshot teary eyes from the rest of the people as I passed them in the hall.  I made my way to my truck, and once inside, I let it all out.  The pain I felt at this moment was more pain than I had ever felt in my life.  My heart was broken.  I was broken.  I gathered myself together and knew what I needed to do. I needed to drink this pain away.  I popped a tape from the glove box in the tape deck. I loved this song.  It was “The Rose” by Conway Twitty. I listened to it over, and over, and over again until I was parked next to the rusty bridge on Colapi Creek.  I reached under the seat to retrieve a full bottle of eighty proof whiskey I had stashed away for a rainy day.  That rainy day was now.  
Chapter 26

     It started snowing once I stepped outside my truck.  
Just my luck
, I thought.  
The last time it snowed, my future with Mary was looking so bright.
  It was a cold January afternoon.  If I remember correctly, it had to be around twenty degrees.  I had hoped after a couple swigs of the whiskey, I would warm up a bit.
     I made my way to the spot and sat down on the fallen tree where I had watched Mary soak in the beauty of her surroundings.  She would have really liked the look of it now.  The heavy snow was quickly covering the sheet of ice that was hiding the flow of the creek.  The trees stood silently still, deflecting the snow from the ground.  It was quiet, with the exception of a few crows cawing in the background.  It was peaceful here.  Time stood still as I took in all of God's beauty.  I was missing Mary like crazy.
     I took a drink, then another, and another until half the bottle was gone.  I could feel the warmth of the whiskey as it went down my throat and brought a shiver to my body.  It tasted so good.  I would have finished the bottle off if I had been alone.
     "Did you save a drink for me?"
     I turned around and saw Troy coming out of the hibernating brush.  "What the hell are you doing here?" I asked.
     "I came to see my baby brother," Troy stated taking a seat next to me on the fallen tree.
     "How did you know I was here?"
     "Are you kidding me?  You can't fart two counties over without Mom or Dad knowing where you are."
     "No, seriously?" I asked.
     "Sharon and I went up to see Mary and she was pretty upset."