Reaching Out to the Stars (14 page)

As a fan, always looking in from the outside and not knowing the life a celebrity actually lives from a celebrity’s perspective, I will never know if this was the type of life I ever really would have wanted or if it was just the curiosity.

We, as fans, can’t actually seek out a celebrity by writing to them to meet them or sit down and have a conversation with them to find out the answers to these questions. I guess I already tried that.

Then I started to realize that my experience with fandom was actually much deeper than a dream that never came true.

Does the obsession of the fan grow simply because of an emotional connection or a physical attraction to a person that we feel we know? I am sure there are some fans that definitely see the glamour rather than actually knowing or caring to know the actual person. I do believe that some of us want relationships with them because we are attracted to them physically. I think that is part of the fantasy. There is something enticing and very sexy about someone who holds a career as an actor/actress or, personally, for me, a musical artist. Would we be attracted to them if they were just an average person walking down the street in a small town? Maybe we would not. What if they were an average person who we met and got to know? Maybe we would. I am sure they want to have a relationship with someone who loves them for who they are and not just for what they can do.

This may be another reason why they steer clear of us. Do we know who they really are as a person or is it just the portrayal of an onstage artist singing to us in a dream that we wish was real. Is it the art we are in love with or the artist? Hmm, the drama of it all is intriguing.

I started to wonder if my wanting to go back to that time in my life, wanting the type of lifestyle of being a well-known vocalist was an unconscious attempt to get close to these men to which I was secretly attracted. Maybe I felt I needed to have celebrity status to be friends with a star whom I thought I had a strong connection with. I started to think of my personal life as a whole.

I have had many experiences in my life where I have felt discouraged by how society works. I have experienced many negative friendships, people who only do things for others for what they can get in return, people who get more joy out of getting than giving and diminished values and morals.

What ever happened to treating people the way you want to be treated, appreciating things in life when you have to work harder for them and taking on what is referred to as responsibility?

I believe that the most important thing in life is putting others needs before your own, striving to be the best person that you can be. I truly believe that when someone dies, God will not judge them on how many Sundays they went to church but by how many things they did for others.

I started to feel that maybe I was seeking out something in my idols that I could not find within my reach. Although there are definite differences between Jason and Clay, my admiration for them is inevitable.

Clay Aiken, with his powerful voice, will give anyone listening to him goosebumps as they are sitting on the edge of their seat just waiting for him to hit the high note. When I think of the definition of an idol, I think of Clay Aiken for many reasons. Although I only know a limited version of who he may be, when I look at him I see a good person. I would be lying to say that I am not physically attracted to him and drawn to his ability as a recording artist but, more importantly, even though I only know him to an extent and that he too is not perfect, we share a lot of the same ideas and life values that I don’t often see in most people. Maybe I am not as obsessed with my idol being a celebrity as I am with the excitement of the idea that there is still such a thing as good people in this world. Sometimes it bothers me that there is actually someone out there that is a lot like me and I will never get the chance to have a friendly conversation with him. To him, I am only a fan.

While reading his book, I came across a picture with a quotation that said, “My fans love to tell me funny stories. I think they see me as a friend rather than as a celebrity.” I found this to be interesting because sometimes I do think of him as a friend. Unfortunately, a friendship is something that is mutual and usually goes both ways. On a more positive note, I once read that “good friends are like stars…you can’t always see them, but you know they are always there.” Now, isn’t that ironic? If I met Clay Aiken, minus celebrity status, we would probably be friends.

Jason Castro has the relaxing voice which makes you want to lay down by a fire while closing your eyes and lingering off into a “Daydream.” With my latest idol crush on Jason, I felt I knew a lot less about him. He was a seventh season fourth place finisher just coming off tour with no definite promises to continue his career as a musician. I was comparing five years to one year.

Even though Jason is twenty-one years old, when I listen to his music, his soothing voice and laid back personality make me feel more relaxed about life. With his sense of humor, he makes me laugh sometimes with just an expression. He is definitely someone I feel like I could just laugh with, even if it’s about nothing at all.

Some of my own questions centering on celebrity status have been answered by watching his journey through the American Idol dream. I also learned that I am not the only person in this world that requires more sleep than the average person.

As for the physical attraction piece, it is sometimes hard for me to talk about, never less think about. There were times when Bryce actually asked me, “If Clay Aiken knocked on your door tomorrow, would you leave me for him?” Of course, I always answered that question with a no. The part that bothered me was that I actually had to rethink that answer after I answered it. There were actual times where I would get really moody and unbearable to be around. It was never because I didn’t want to be with my husband or that I was in love with some other man, it was that I was so angry at myself for having some of the thoughts that I had been having. Being the loyal person that I have always been, never even cheating on a boyfriend, I felt an extreme amount of guilt for having had sexual thoughts and questions about whether I had truly been married to my soul mate. Of course, after a lot of thought, my answer to his question is still no.

Bryce is my best friend. After ten years of marriage it is true that a lot of the spark, passion and romance do go away. I have to believe that this is the reason that I have these fantasies. It is an innocent way of creating that excitement that isn’t always there anymore. I think that this is why a lot of people cheat or get divorced. Some people feel that because that spark is gone they need to find it somewhere else. I believe that having idols and crushes on celebrities is an outlet, healthier and less dangerous than having fantasies about the guy next door. Also, after ten years of marriage, things are also changing for the better. More than the excitement of having burning passion for each other, those sparks develop into an unbelievable friendship with a person that you share the important things in life from the smiles of your children to knowing you have someone to grow old with that can overlook all of your imperfections. So then you ask yourself, which is more important? To me it is the latter. Another one of my favorite quotes says it best, “Marry someone whose soul you love, passion fades but true friendship is forever.”

When I eventually came off my high with Clay Aiken and then shortly after found out he was gay, I almost felt like I was in a safe zone. Now that I knew he was gay, I felt more relieved because if my dream were to come true and I got to meet him, there would be no worries.

It is never good to temp temptation.

With regard to Jason Castro, as I mentioned, I have been embarrassed about my attraction to him. This is because along with his age, his hypnotizing blue eyes and charming dreadlocks, have led me to have fantasies that I will most likely deny to most people.

When my crush started, Bryce said, in so many words, “Here we go again.” I remember saying to him, “You don’t have to worry because nothing could be as bad as my infatuation with Clay Aiken…and it is nowhere near that.” I almost felt comfortable talking about it now knowing he was gay. The only thing that worried me was as I thought back on it, when it all started with Clay, “it was nowhere near that.”

Bryce and I have often joked about the “laminated list” which is a popularized idea from the hit show Friends which entails a list of celebrities that a person’s partner would permit them to sleep with if they were to ever meet them. Most people would not understand this unless they were familiar with Friends, season three episode, “The One with Frank Jr.”

There was a time that Clay Aiken would have been number one on my list but would probably now be bumped to my number two by Jason Castro, followed by Tom Welling, Justin Hartley and a toss-up between Robert Downey Jr. and Johnny Depp. I guess it is inevitable that I am charmed by musicians, superheroes and even pirates.

Although I had thoughts about removing Clay from my list, my final decision was that he would stay.

Could being a fan be an unconscious act of persistence in defense of what feels like a rejection or a feeling of being unworthy?

Three unanswered fan letters were my inspiration for writing this book. I am a rational person and realize that we cannot expect celebrities to write or email a response to every one of the hundreds of letters that they get every day, but what can we expect? Sometimes no response at all feels like an act of ignorance even though that is not how it’s supposed to come across.

Writing a letter is a personal act of reaching out to someone. Not getting a response, even though it may be an irrational expectation, doesn’t stop the feeling of being ignored. It’s like calling a friend on the phone to share something that you feel is important and them not listening, leaving them a message and them not calling you back.

In truth a celebrity’s soul mate and destiny could be lying within no other than that of the fan. A fan could be one of their best friends, someone who could understand them or relate to them like no other, but have never been given the chance. Then of course, rather than giving us that relationship we fantasize about or friendship we dream of, just a response to a genuine letter to say, “I get what you’re saying,” “I feel like that all the time,” or just “thank you for your support.” The truth is that we are all people.

Even though it is hard for celebrities to really know us or where we are coming from, I think it is important that they know that sometimes we just want a little recognition as individuals. It is sometimes important for us to feel appreciated as fans because of their powerful influence on us. I do believe that there are some fans out there who really want to meet with their idol for all the right reasons.

I have always wondered if celebrities actually do read our letters. I guess I will never know. If so, do they ever come across one that really moves them and do they ever want to meet the person who wrote it? Again, I guess I will never know.

It has been nine months and I am still hoping for a response from The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Although I may be waiting a lifetime, facing the reality of a fourth unanswered fan letter, I keep in mind what these stars do for me every day, which is make my life happier and some days easier.

No matter what has been said, I will never be all Clayed out and will probably be singing about being “Invisible” for many days to come. When I am driving in my car with my kids it will always bring a smile to my face when they ask to hear Jason because “Travelin’ Thru” sounds like the song from the movie Curious George. No matter how good or how bad of a day I am having, it doesn’t matter because in the morning I’ll be dancing with Ellen. To me, it’s like a sweet escape from the frequent obstacles of life which we all know can sometimes be difficult.

These celebrities will always have a special place in my heart because they have all inspired me and have left me with a long lasting influence. So what are my expectations? The truth is, I guess I don’t have any. What I expect to happen in life and what I would like to happen in life are two completely different things.

I have always known that the chances of ever getting a response to my letters or meeting my idols and sharing some kind of relationship with them were slim to none. As for what I would like to happen, maybe someday my dreams will come true. Maybe I will meet Clay Aiken or Jason Castro. There may even be a possibility that some day I could be writing about my experience on the The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

If you can’t dream, there is never hope for what could actually happen.

2007 CD Cover and Back Cover