Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (8 page)

DEB
alone
.

DEBORAH
: My mother used to tell a story about how I came into the kitchen one day while she was preparing an important dish. I was about four. I said, “Mommy, can I have a cookie?”, and she for some reason misunderstood or misheard me, and thought that I said that I wanted a “hug,” so she gave me a “hug,” and I said “Thank you, Mommy. I didn't want a cookie after all.”

(Pause.)
You see? What is a sublimation of what?

(Pause.)
What signifies what?

DAN
at
BERNARD‘
S
apartment. The middle of the night. They are drunk
.

BERNIE
: Tits and Ass. Tits and Ass. Tits and Ass. Tits and Ass. Blah de Bloo. Blah de Bloo. Blah de Bloo. Blah de Bloo.
(Pause.)
Huh?

DANNY
: I don't know.

BERNIE
: So
don't
know. Big deal—you are going to lose your head over a little bit of puss? You are going to
sell your birthright for a mess of potash? “Oh, Bernie, she's
this.
Oh, Bernie, she's
that
. . .” You know what she is? She's a fucking human being just like you and me, Dan. We all have basically the same desires, and the shame of it is you get out of touch with yourself and lose your perspective. Huh?

Pause
.

Huh?

Pause
.

Yeah. You think you're playing with
kids? (Pause.)
Don't ever lose your sense of humor, Dan. Don't
ever
lose your sense of humor.

DAN
and
DEB
at their apartment. Splitting up their belongings
.

DANNY
: . . . and your friend, Joan . . . that cunt was born in a carcrash.
(Pause.)
And your job is a lot of busy-work, you know that?

DEBORAH
: I know.

DANNY
: And I have
no
fucking idea what your drawings mean.
(Pause.)
And you're a lousy fuck.

DEBORAH
: I know.

DANNY
: Your friend,
Joan,
is a better fuck than
you
are.

DEBORAH
: I'm sure she is.

DANNY
: . . . and
she's
a lousy fuck.
(Pause.)
Aren't you going to tell me I'm a lousy fuck?

DEBORAH
: You
are
a lousy fuck.

DANNY
: You're fulla shit.

DEB
and
JOAN
at their apartment.

JOAN
: You learn from your mistakes, Deborah. Man is the one animal who has that capacity.

DEBORAH
: Yes.

JOAN
: You can't live in the past.

DEBORAH
: No.

JOAN
: It does you no good.

DEBORAH
: I know it.

JOAN
: And, in the end, what do you have? You have your friends.
(Pause.)
Have you been drawing since you've been with Dan?

DEBORAH
: It wasn't his fault.

JOAN
: Well, whose fault was it,
mine?

DEBORAH
: It was my fault, Joan.

JOAN
: It was not your fault. Say what you will, the
facts
don't change and the fact is if you take a grown man whose actions and whose outlook are those of a child, who wants nothing more or better than to have someone who will lick his penis and grin at his bizarre idea of wit, uh . . . if you take that man and uh . . .

DEBORAH
: I'll thank you for this someday.

JOAN
: Yes, you will, Deb. And you know, I truly don't see why you're being so hostile. I'm afraid I have to admit that.

JOAN
is reading a story to her imaginary toddlers
.

JOAN
: . . . and when the Prince came home that night, she had changed into an old Hag (so of course he was very surprised).

“Where is my beautiful wife?” he asked the Hag.

“And what have you done with her?”

And she said, “I am your wife.” (That's right.).

“I can be beautiful during the daylight hours so that you and your friends can admire me, or I can be beautiful at night, so that you can enjoy me by the fireside, and so on. But for one half of the day I must be this old Hag you see before you.”

Pause
.

A “hag” is an ugly old lady.

Pause.

Well, how do you think it's spelled?

Pause.

Well, how does it sound?

Pause.

That's right. And so she told him . . .

DAN
and
BERNARD
are on the beach. They are
looking at attractive women.

BERNIE
: Lookit this.

DANNY
: Where?

BERNIE
:
Lookit
this.

DANNY
: Where?

BERNIE
: There.

DANNY
:
Oh
yeah.

BERNIE
: My sweet goodness.

DANNY
: Uh huh.

BERNIE
: What a sensitive young lady.

DANNY
: Check this one out.

BERNIE
: Don't bother me.

DANNY
: I'm telling you.

BERNIE
: Where?

DANNY
: Two o'clock.

BERNIE
(looks)
: Oh no!

DANNY
: Yes.

BERNIE
: Oh
no!

DANNY
: I'm afraid so.

BERNIE
: I see no reason to go on living.

DANNY
: Ummm.

BERNIE
: There can be no more to life.

DANNY
: Yes.

BERNIE
: In a way it's sad. To think I gaze upon the highest man can wish for . . .

DANNY
: Berine . . .

BERNIE
: His destiny . . .

DANNY
: Bernie . . .

BERNIE
: The fruition of a pain-laden stay on earth . . .

DANNY
: Hey, Bernie, isn't that whatsername?

BERNIE
: Her?

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: Is she who?

DANNY
:
What
zername, who you introduced me to last week.

BERNIE
: Naaa. This broad is much better looking.

DANNY
: I think it's her.

BERNIE
: This broad has a lot more class.

DANNY
: NO . . .

BERNIE
: Lookit her boobs.
(Pause.)
Am I right or not?

DANNY
: Yeah, I think you're right.

BERNIE
: Hey! Don't look behind you.

DANNY
: Yeah?

BERNIE
: Whatever you do, don't look behind you.

DANNY
: Where?

BERNIE
: Right behind you, about ten feet behind you to your right.

DANNY
: Yeah?

BERNIE
: I'm telling you.

DANNY
(looks)
: Get the fuck
outta
here!

BERNIE
: Can I pick ‘em?

DANNY
: Bernie . . .

BERNIE
: Is the radar in fine shape?

DANNY
: . . . I gotta say . . .

BERNIE
: . .
.Oh
yeah . . .

DANNY
: . . . that you can
pick
‘em.

BERNIE
: I know I can. And will you look at the chick in the two piece wet-look jobbie?

DANNY
: Where?

BERNIE
: Where I'm looking.
(Pause.)
Those
legs
. . .

DANNY
: Oh
no!

BERNIE
: . . . all the way up to her
ass!

DANNY
: Jesus.

BERNIE
: And
beyond
for all we know.

DANNY
: You said it.

BERNIE
:
Look
it her.

DANNY
: Yup.

BERNIE
: Fuckin‘
look
it her.

DANNY
: I know it.

BERNIE
: Tell me she is not flaunting herself all over the beach.

DANNY
: She is casting it to the winds.

BERNIE
: Look at that
suit.

DANNY
: Bern . . . Bernie . . . I think that I can see her snatch.

BERNIE
: You're fulla shit.