Read Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations Online
Authors: David Mamet
Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (9 page)
DANNY
: On my honor. I can see her fucking snatch.
BERNIE
: You can see her snatch?
DANNY
: I'm telling you.
BERNIE
(looks):
I can't make it out.
DANNY
: At the top of her legs.
BERNIE
: I know where it is, I just can't see it.
DANNY
: When she breathes in. You gotta look close.
Pause
. They look.
BERNIE
: Where does she get off with that noise?
DANNY
: Yeah.
BERNIE
: That fuckin’ pisses me off.
DANNY
: Yeah.
BERNIE
: That pisses the
fuck
off outta me.
DANNY
: I know.
BERNIE
: Piss.
DANNY
: Cockteaser.
BERNIE
: Prissy little cunt.
DANNY
: Right on the beach.
BERNIE
: Piss me off.
DANNY
: Little prude.
BERNIE
: On the fucking beach.
DANNY
: And those
tits!
BERNIE
: Don't talk to me about tits.
DANNY
: Nice firm tits.
BERNIE
: Where does she get off with those tits?
DANNY
: What a pair of boobs.
BERNIE
: Not that I'm a tit man . . .
DANNY
: I know.
BERNIE
: I mean, I
dig
tits . . .
DANNY
: I don't blame you.
BERNIE
: . . . but I wouldn't go out of my way for a pair of tits.
DANNY
: Yeah.
BERNIE
: The way I see it,
tits
. . .
DANNY
: Yeah?
BERNIE
: . . . are what you make of ‘em.
DANNY
: It's like anything else.
BERNIE
: But an
ass
. . .
DANNY
: Yeah.
BERNIE
: . . . is an
ass
.
DANNY
: Goes without saying. You know what I like?
BERNIE
: What?
DANNY
: Stomach muscles.
BERNIE
: You're talking about flab.
DANNY
: Yeah.
BERNIE
: I know what you're talking about.
DANNY
: I know you do.
BERNIE
: Flab.
DANNY
: Fuckin’ flab.
BERNIE
: Who needs it?
DANNY
: More trouble than it's worth.
BERNIE
: A nice pair of legs though . . .
DANNY
: I know it.
BERNIE
: . . . is like money from home.
DANNY
: A home
away
from home.
BERNIE
: Now look over there to illustrate my point.
DANNY
: The broad?
BERNIE
: Right. Nice legs, eh?
DANNY
: Yup.
BERNIE
: Very acceptable old ass . . .
DANNY
: Nice, firm.
BERNIE
: Flat belly, beautiful pair of tits.
DANNY
: No question.
BERNIE
: Now
she
is fine.
(Pause.)
DANNY
: Right.
BERNIE
: But now look over
there.
The broad with the dumpy legs and the fat whatdayacallit.
DANNY
: Stomach.
BERNIE
: Her legs are for shit, her stomach is dumpy, her
tits don't say anything for her, and her muscle tone is not good.
DANNY
: Right.
BERNIE
: Now she is
not
a good-looking girl.
(Pause.)
In fact she is something of a pig.
(Pause.)
You see? That's all it takes . . . to make the difference between a knockout looking broad, and a nothing looking broad who doesn't look like anything.
(Pause.)
You see my point?
DANNY
: . . . yeah?
BERNIE
: Makes all the fucking difference in the world.
(Pause.)
Coming out here on the beach. Lying all over the beach, flaunting their bodies . . . I mean who the fuck do they think they are all of a sudden, coming out here and just flaunting their bodies all over?
(Pause.)
I mean, what are you supposed to think? I come to the beach with a friend to get some sun and watch the action and . . . I mean a fellow comes to the beach to sit out in the fucking sun, am I wrong? . . . I mean we're talking about recreational fucking space, huh? . . . huh?
(Pause.)
What the fuck am I talking about?
DANNY
: Are you feeling all right?
BERNIE
: Well, how do I look, do I look all right?
DANNY
: Sure.
BERNIE
: Well, then let's assume that I feel all right, okay?
DANNY
: Okay.
BERNIE
: I mean, how could you feel anything
but
all right, for chrissakes? Will you look at that body?
(Pause.)
What a pair of tits.
(Pause.)
With tits like that, who needs . . . anything.
A long pause. They watch an imaginary woman pass in front of them
.
BERNIE
: Hi.
DANNY
: Hello there.
Pause. She walks by.
BERNIE
: She's probably deaf.
DANNY
: She did
look
deaf, didn't she.
BERNIE
: Yeah. (Pause.)
DANNY
: Deaf bitch.
*Some portions of the dialogue appear in parentheses, which serve to mark a slight change of outlook on the part of the speaker—perhaps a momentary change to a more introspective regard.—D.M.
The Duck
Variations
The Duck Variations
was first produced by The St. Nicholas Theater Company, at Goddard College, Plainfield, Vermont, in 1972, with the folělowing cast:
| EMIL VARěC | Pablo Vela |
| GEORGE S. ARONOVITZ | Peter Vincent |
It was directed by David Mamet; set and lighting by Jim Drake.
It was first produced off-off Broadway at St. Clements Theatre, New York City, in 1975, with the following cast:
| EMIL VARěC | Paul Sparer |
| GEORGE S . ARONOVITZ | Michael Egan |
It was directed by Albert Takazauckas; set by Michael Massee; lighting by Gary Porto.
It was produced off-Broadway at the Cherry Lane Theatre, New York City, with
Sexual Perversity in Chicago,
in June of 1976, with the following cast:
| EMIL VARěC | Mike Kellin |
| GEORGE S. ARONOVITZ | Michael Egan |
It was directed by Albert Takazauckas; set by Michael Massee; lighting by Gary Porto.
The Scene:
A Park on the edge of a Big City on a Lake. An afternoon around Easter.
The Characters:
Emil Varěc and George S. Aronovitz. Two gentlemen in their sixties.
This is a very simple play.
The set should consist only of a park bench and perhaps a wire garbage can.
The actors can be discovered seated on the bench at rise, or they can come on together, or separately and meet.
Any blocking or business is at the discretion of individual actors and directors.
There should be, though, an interval between each variation—it doesn't need to be a long one—to allow the actors to rest and prepare for the new variation. This interval is analogous to the space between movements in a musical presentation.
The Duck Variations
| FIRST VARIATION | It's Nice, The Park Is Nice |
| SECOND VARIATION | The Duck's Life |
| THIRD VARIATION | Also They Got Barnyard Ducks |
| FOURTH VARIATION | The Duck Is Not Like Us |
| FIFTH VARIATION | Did You Know What I Was Reading |
| SIXTH VARIATION | What Kind Of A World Is It |
| SEVENTH VARIATION | Yes, In Many Ways |
| EIGHTH VARIATION | Ahh, I Don't Know |
| NINTH VARIATION | At The Zoo They Got Ducks |
| TENTH VARIATION | It's A Crying Shame |
| ELEVENTH VARIATION | You Know, I Remember |
| TWELFTH VARIATION | Whenever I Think Of Wild Flying Things |
| THIRTEENTH VARIATION | They Stuff Them |
| FOURTEENTH VARIATION | For Centuries Prior To This Time |
FIRST VARIATION
“It's Nice, The Park Is Nice”
| EMIL : | It's Nice. |
| GEORGE : | The Park is nice. |
| EMIL : | You forget. |
| GEORGE : | . . . you remember. |
| EMIL : | I don't know . . . |
| GEORGE : | What's to know? There's a boat! |
| EMIL : | So early? |
| GEORGE : | I suppose so. . . . because there it is. |
| EMIL : | I wonder if it's cold out there. |
| GEORGE : | There, here, it's like it is today. How it is today, that's how it is. |
| EMIL : | But the boat is moving . . . |
| GEORGE : | So it's colder in relation how fast the boat is going. |
| EMIL : | The water is colder than the land. |
| GEORGE : | So it's cold in relation to the water. |
| EMIL : | So it's a different temperature on the boat than on a bench. |
| GEORGE : | They probably got sweaters . |
| EMIL : | There's more than one in the boat? |
| GEORGE : | Wait till they come round again. |
| EMIL : | Where did they go? |
| GEORGE : | Over there, behind the pier, where could they go? |
| EMIL : | Not far . . . it's expensive a boat. |
| GEORGE : | They care? |
| EMIL : | No. |
| GEORGE : | If they got the money for a boat, they can afford it. |
| EMIL : | It's not cheap. |
| GEORGE : | I said it was cheap? |
| EMIL : | Even a small boat. |
| GEORGE : | I know it's not cheap. |
| EMIL : | Even a very small boat is expensive. |
| GEORGE : | Many times a small boat is even more expensive. |
| EMIL : | Ah. |
| GEORGE : | Depending . . . |
| EMIL : | Mmm. |
| GEORGE : | On many factors. |
| EMIL : | Mmm. |
| GEORGE : | . . . the size of the boat . . . |
| EMIL : | Yes. |
| GEORGE : | . . . the engine. |
| EMIL : | Yes. The size of the engine. |
| GEORGE : | Certainly, certainly. |
| EMIL : | The speed of the engine. |
| GEORGE : | Many factors. |
| EMIL : | The speed of the boat. |
| GEORGE : | That. None of it's cheap. It's all very intricate. |
| EMIL : | Cars. |
| GEORGE : | Boats, cars . . . air travel. The military. It was never cheap. |
| EMIL : | Housing. |
| GEORGE (looks) : | There's two of them in the boat. |
| EMIL : | It's the same boat? |
| GEORGE : | How many boats have we seen today? |
| EMIL : | That's what I'm asking. |
| GEORGE : | One. |
| EMIL (looks) : | Another boat! |
| GEORGE : | One, two . . . |
| EMIL : | A real clipper, too. |
| GEORGE : | Where? |
| EMIL : | Look at her will ya ! |
| GEORGE : | That? |
| EMIL : | What else? Go, sister! |
| GEORGE : | That? |
| EMIL : | Sure as shootin’. |
| GEORGE : | That's the water pump. |
| EMIL : | That? |
| GEORGE : | Yes. |
| EMIL : | That? |
| GEORGE : | Yes. |
| EMIL : | The pump house? |
| GEORGE : | Yes. |
| EMIL : | She's the water pump? |
| GEORGE : | Yes. |
| EMIL : | . . . look at her float. |
| GEORGE : | Mmm. |
| EMIL : | Look at her . . . just sit there. |
| GEORGE : | Mmm. |
| EMIL : | All year ‘round. |
| GEORGE : | I'll give you that. |
| EMIL : | What a life. |
| GEORGE : | Ducks! |
| EMIL : | Where? |
| GEORGE : | Where I'm pointing. |
| EMIL : | Ahh. |
| GEORGE : | A sure sign of spring. |
| EMIL : | Autumn, too. |
| GEORGE : | Uh huh. |
| EMIL : | . . . you see them . . . |
| GEORGE : | Yes. |
| EMIL : | They go south . . . |
| GEORGE : | Urn. |
| EMIL : | They come back . . . |
| GEORGE : | Ummm. |
| EMIL : | They live . . . |
| GEORGE : | They go . . . |
| EMIL : | Ahhh. |
| GEORGE : | Ducks like to go . . . |
| EMIL : | . . . yes? |
| GEORGE : | Where it's nice . . . |
| EMIL : | Ehhh? |
| GEORGE : | At that time! |
| EMIL : | Of course. |
| GEORGE : | And they're made so they just go. Something inside says it's getting a little cold . . . a little too cold . . . |
| EMIL : | Like humans, they don't like cold. |
| GEORGE : | And there they go. |
| EMIL : | There they go. |
| GEORGE : | And the same when it's warm. |
| EMIL : | They come back. |
| GEORGE : | They got a leader. A lead duck. He starts . . . he's a duck. But he stays with the pack. Many times. He comes, he goes. He learns the route. Maybe he's got a little more on the ball. |
| EMIL : | All this time there is another lead duck. |
| GEORGE : | Of course. But He, he goes, he lives, maybe he finds a mate . . . |
| EMIL : | Yes. |
| GEORGE : | And he waits. . . . The lead duck . . . who knows? |
| EMIL : | He dies. |
| GEORGE : | One day, yes. He dies. He gets lost . . . |
| EMIL : | And our duck moves up. |
| GEORGE : | He is now the leader. It is he who guides them from one home to the next. They all know the way. Each of them has it in him to know when the time is to move. . . . But he . . . He will be in charge until . . . |
| EMIL : | Yes. |
| GEORGE : | Just like the other one . . . |
| EMIL : | There's no shame in that. |
| GEORGE : | Just like the previous duck . . . |
| EMIL : | It happened to him, it's got to happen to him. |
| GEORGE : | The time comes to step down. |
| EMIL : | He dies. |
| GEORGE : | He dies, he leaves . . . something. And another duck moves on up. |
| EMIL : | And someday. |
| GEORGE : | Yes. |
| EMIL : | Someone will take his place. |
| GEORGE : | Until . . . |
| EMIL : | It's boring just to think about it. |