Wrestling With Desire (34 page)

At the Foot Bridge, he stopped and leaned against the railing, looking down over the water. It seemed angry, creating small whirlpools where it rushed past the cement legs. This water wanted to flow and nothing was going to stop it. A few feet past the bridge, the whirlpools reintegrated and the water's surface returned to one mass of raging, tumultuous motion.

Derek wondered what the water would say if it could speak.
I'm going to get where I'm heading. A temporary
obstacle is not going to stop me.
If someone told the water it could no longer flow, it would have laughed and continued its journey, only mildly hindered from its goal.

An image of Scott entered his mind and, along with his observation of the water, something clicked into place. Scott was the water and the bridge legs were the obstacles he had faced. Mr. Thayer was just a bridge leg. Derek laughed at the image, but only for a moment.
Mr. Thayer may be the bridge
leg, but Scott hasn't found his way around him yet.
He was still an obstacle that kept Scott from being the person he was meant to be: a happy and daring person; a person who rose above the stresses which caused most people to freeze; a person who appreciated the things others never noticed.

Derek wanted Scott to find his way around this bridge leg, his 303

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by D.H. Starr

father, and get back to the roaring flow of continuing his journey downstream.
But what can I do to help him?

* * * *

The next day the whole team showed up at the athletic building for the ride to Newton High. The auditorium was much less crowded than the previous day. Most of the wrestlers who had not advanced to semi-finals and a few of the schools which had been completely eliminated chose not to come. A partition had been erected to split the auditorium in half with two mats on either side. This gave spectators more room to crowd around and watch the final matches of the tournament.

One of the two Brampton wrestlers in the lower weight classes made it to the finals. Derek won his match fairly quickly. Frank's match took a bit more time, but he won as well.

The team crowded around to the mat to support Scott when his name was called. Scott walked out onto the mat. His opponent was Fred Master, a wrestler from the Newton High team. Scott and Fred took neutral position in the center of the mat, shook hands, and began wrestling.

The match started out well. Scott shot forward, grabbing Fred's leg, and dropped him to the mat scoring two points for the takedown. He secured a hold on Fred and rolled him to his back, earning three more points for back exposure. Fred managed to arch off his back and roll to his stomach. The remainder of the period consisted of Scott attempting to get more back points.

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Scott led five to zero entering the second period. Fred knelt in referee's position on the mat with Scott on top of him. The whistle blew, and Fred executed a picture perfect reversal, gaining the top position and earning two points.

Scott struggled to regain control of the match, but each time he stepped up to try to escape, Fred would bring him back down to the mat. Finally, Scott managed to escape, earning one point, but Fred immediately shot to Scott's legs and took him down once again, earning two points for the takedown. It surprised Derek how evenly matched the two were since Scott had defeated Fred easily during the season. Fred grabbed Scott's arm and Scott lost his balance and fell to his side.

Seizing the opportunity, Fred secured a half-nelson hold and rolled Scott to his back, earning three back points. Fred squeezed, pushing both of Scott's shoulders to the mat. The ref started counting, but Scott arched onto his head and turned to his stomach. The fifteen seconds remaining in the second period dragged on unmercifully, but finally the buzzer rang. The score was now seven to six with Fred in the lead.

Scott looked tired when he took his position to begin the third period. Derek summoned a lungful of air and shouted above the crowd and his teammates. "Scott, come on! You can
do
this! Dig deep!" Scott looked up and locked eyes with Derek before kneeling down to his starting position. "You're awesome Scott! Finish this match. Think of the Foot Bridge!"

Through his peripheral vision, he sensed some of his teammates turn to stare at him but he didn't care. All he cared about was Scott making it to the finals. Not because he 305

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wanted the team points, but because he wanted Scott to finally overcome the obstacles he had been facing.

Scott bit his bottom lip, still looking at Derek, and then nodded his head. Taking his position, the ref blew the whistle and the third period began.

The shift was clear as day. Something had turned on inside Scott. Quickly reversing Fred, Scott earned two points. He shot his arms across Fred's body, using his weight to knock Fred onto his side. Fred struggled back to a kneeling position, but each time he did, Scott knocked him back down. This continued for a minute and a half of the two-minute period; Fred fighting to a kneeling position and Scott knocking him back down. With twenty seconds left, determination set in Scott's face. He drove Fred down to the mat, gritted his teeth, and squinted his eyes in a look of pure fight. He dug his feet into the mat, pushing all of his body weight against Fred and slowly worked his arm around Fred's head to secure a half-nelson hold. With ten seconds left on the clock, Scott slowly rolled Fred onto his back. Scott couldn't secure both of Fred's shoulders to the mat, but he did earn three back points. The buzzer rang and Derek jumped to his feet, cheering louder than anyone else. Scott and Fred shook hands and the ref raised Scott's hand as the winner. He had won eleven to seven.

Scott walked off the mat panting and sweating, but clearly pleased. The team made a path, patting him as he passed by.

He headed to the outskirts of the room to cool down, his chest heaving from the effort of his match. Shannon and Derek's parents walked over to Scott and congratulated him.

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Derek wanted to walk over as well, but the silence between them had gone on for so long he didn't know whether Scott would welcome him. Deciding he didn't care if he got rejected, he grabbed Scott's towel, water bottle, and sweatshirt, and walked over to where Scott, Shannon, and his parents were standing. "Great ninth inning push.

Congratulations!"

Scott smiled, his lopsided grin spreading across his face.

Derek hadn't seen that smile in over a month. His blood rushed south and he was glad he had put jeans on over his singlet.

"I didn't think I was going to be able to do it, but when you said all that stuff before the third period I...I don't know...I knew I would win." He peered directly into Derek's eyes, pausing for a moment before speaking. "I appreciate it.

I needed a kick in the ass. Oops, sorry Mom."

Shannon laughed and placed an arm around his shoulder.

"I think I have used the term once or twice in my life." She wrinkled her nose and sniffed a few times. "I forgot how bad you smell after your matches." She removed her arm but remained by his side.

Scott turned crimson. "Mom, oh my God, I can't believe you said that."

Shannon turned beet red. "Oh, honey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

Scott shook his head. "You
didn't
hurt my feelings. You embarrassed the
hell
out of me."

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Derek's mom laughed, making an exaggerated show of leaning over to take a whiff of Derek and exclaiming that he too smelled rather unpleasant.

Derek gave her a glare, handing the towel and water bottle to Scott. "You want to go into the hallway to cool off? The air is much cooler outside of the auditorium."

Scott nodded as he took the towel and dried his skin, still covered with a sheen of sweat, then got up and followed Derek out of the auditorium. The air was at least fifteen degrees cooler in the hallway and Scott shivered. "I grabbed your sweatshirt too. Here."

When Scott took the sweatshirt from Derek, their fingers brushed together. Putting the sweatshirt on, he glanced at Derek. "Thanks." His voice was quiet, unsure.

A number of wrestlers, student spectators, and parents roamed the halls focusing on their next wrestling match or speculating about whether they thought Cambridge or Waltham would win division. Derek wanted to be alone with Scott. "Come on, let's go upstairs and find somewhere private we can talk." Scott followed Derek up a set of stairs at the end of the hallway. Alone on the second floor, they stood silently facing one another in a hallway lined with lockers on one side and windows on the other.

Derek sat on a window ledge which was deep enough so it could also serve as a bench. His pulse quickened as he searched for the courage to begin speaking. "Scott, I wanted to talk to you. Actually, I have been wanting to talk to you all week, but I've been...afraid."

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Scott faced him and Derek could sense the guilt beneath the surface. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to be afraid to talk to me."

"I was afraid you would tell me to leave you alone, or to go to hell or something." Derek fiddled with his hands which were resting in his lap. When he looked up, Scott's expression had shifted from guilt to sadness. Derek took a deep breath and continued. "Yesterday, after I got home, I went for a run.

I stopped on the Foot Bridge and realized a few things."
I
realized that I still love you but am willing to put my feelings
aside if it's what you need from me. I realized you are the
most incredible person I have ever met and I hate that your
father has had such a horrible effect on you.
He wanted to say these things, but they would only distract from what he really wanted to say. "I wanted to apologize to you." Scott's eyes widened and he began to protest, but Derek pushed on.

"I was being completely selfish and unfair pushing you into talking with your parents about going out. I wanted to spend time with you and didn't consider your needs. I was supposed to be someone who relieved your troubles, not someone who added to them."

Scott started to speak again, but Derek cut him off. "No, please, let me get this off my chest." Scott fell silent. "I can't imagine what it must have been like for you to have to move around so much. When I met you at the beginning of the year you were brave, self-assured, and lighthearted. You brought things out in me that I had kept locked away and I liked it.

You changed me in a way that opened me up. It scared me, but I can't remember ever being happier. I'm not just talking 309

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about kissing and getting off, I'm talking about love. You made me feel like I was the most important person in your world. When things changed between us, I became depressed and withdrawn. I couldn't stand that we weren't together like we had been. I wanted to hold you and kiss you and to keep moving forward, but we couldn't and it hurt. I thought if I put up my guard I could protect myself from becoming vulnerable again and it worked for a while, but I couldn't continue doing it. I won't go back to the person I was before I met you.

You've changed me and it's definitely a change for the better."

Derek swallowed, his mouth running dry. "Could I have a sip of that?" Scott handed the water bottle over, and Derek took a big gulp. "What I'm trying to say is you gave me something, and when you needed me to give you what you needed, space and understanding, I couldn't do it. I'm sorry for that. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I hope you find your way back to the happy and carefree person you are."
And if you will have me back, I will
be the happiest person in the world.
"Maybe things won't work out for us and it won't be either of our faults. That sucks, but at least I got to know you and to love you. I want you to be happy Scott, whether it's with me or not." Derek inhaled, surprised to find his breathing had become shaky.

Scott stared at Derek, not saying anything. Derek tried to sense what Scott was thinking, but there was so much going on in Scott's eyes and in his body language Derek couldn't get a read. "Well, I guess I should let you get back to the auditorium. You know you can beat Tony. Don't stand in your 310

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own way. You
are
a champion. Go onto the mat knowing you're a winner. I sure as hell know you are." Derek held Scott's gaze, then headed back towards the stairs.

Derek didn't make it five steps before Scott spoke. "You don't get to say all that and then just walk away." Derek froze and slowly turned around, expecting to be confronted with anger. When he faced Scott, he saw no trace of annoyance.

Scott took a step closer to Derek before speaking. "
I'm
the one who should be apologizing to
you
Derek. You opened yourself up to me. You allowed yourself to take a chance on me and I failed you completely. I allowed my dad to force me into a punishment I didn't deserve, and didn't fight for myself at all. It's the story of my life with him. I accept what my dad decides and believe I can't do anything about it."

Derek started to protest, but Scott held up a hand. "I listened to you. Now you're going to listen to me. I lost myself over the last month and in the process I lost you too.

That's not your fault Derek, it's mine. I'm the one who pushed you away. Maybe I did it by forcing you to get angry and frustrated. Maybe I created a situation to fool myself into believing you were being selfish. I needed someone to be mad at and you were the only one to lash out against. But the real loser here is me.

"You say I brought things out in you. What you don't realize is you have brought things out in me as well. You welcomed me as a friend since the first day of school. You introduced me to Beck and to the guys on the team. You shared your music with me. You made me believe, for the first time, that I could count on someone to be there for 311