Heart of the Wild (19 page)

"We were talking about marriage and love. Tell me, before Tanka and Gina got here, who was that lady in front of me, baring herself to me, daring me to take her? You knew me well enough to know I wouldn't take you. Not like that." His voice suddenly softened, his eyes burning into hers. "Not going to commit, even to yourself, are you, Kasie? Well, you don't have to. I've had Kasie all along, and the only thing that stopped you was that I stopped. Love means taking a chance, Kasie. It's no game. But I suppose some see it as a real gamble."

"Love? No, love isn't. But sex is. And lust, and I think I know the difference. Don't play noble all of a sudden, Amory. You couldn't say the words eight years ago, and it's too late now."

"You're right, Kasie, as always." He seemed to consider her words a moment. "But, are you willing to settle for anything less than love?" His eyes blazed into hers. Then realizing her answer, he shook his head. "I thought you were tougher than that. You can fend off a bear better than any woman I know, but you're afraid to take a chance on love, aren't you?"

"I'm not afraid; I'm just not naive anymore."

"Would you recognize the difference?"

She stood rock still.

"But maybe I was wrong, maybe it was lust for you. You seemed to have turned your back on love. So, let's set the record straight. I could get what I wanted without marriage, or love, too. If that was all I wanted. But when you love someone, marriage is the only answer. Isn't it?"

"So, is Chayton Amory suddenly an authority on love and marriage? I believe this whole thing started with you trying to break up a marriage."

She hit home, and he looked surprised.

When he said nothing, she slapped him with more. "I'm not the same little tomboy, anymore. I've grown up."

She couldn't control her mouth any better than she controlled the kiss, or the all-knowing expression on Amory's face.

He chuckled softly. And something in his expression told her that this was some strange foreplay between them. It stimulated, excited, and it hurt. "In most ways, maybe. And here we go again, another point I should remember and respect. Another attempt to put me in my place. Well, try this on for size, sweetheart. You've got a mother you can't abide, a father you don't even know, but there is one thing for damned sure, it's me, I repeat, me, you respond to; lust or love, call it anything you want."

His words stunned her into silence.

"Cat got your tongue? Maybe that's because it's true, and you know it. You've erected a lot of barriers. More than some men would want to deal with. But lady, I've got your number. I know the combinations. With me, you are yourself. With me, you're angry; with me, you cry; and with me...you respond. Does that suggest anything to you?"

"You've simply caught me off guard, is all."

A weak defense!

"Hardly," he said with a hard laugh, "you've asked for it every time."

She gasped.

"Don't look so wounded. We'll just put them all down to animal lust, or physical attractions, as you call it, since you obviously don't believe in the word love. I'd never touch you Kasie, unless—you wanted me to." His voice softened again, his eyes glittered dangerously into hers as though he knew something she didn't.

Irked by his aloof manner, she snubbed him again. "That'll be the day." The old Kasie wasn't all gone. She still had some fight in her. She had to fight; her fear of his rejection at her admission outweighed the truth.

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Chapter Nine

Laughter followed her all the way into the cabin.

"Trouble?" Tanka mused, watching her stomp back inside dusting the snow from her boots..

She turned to look at him, and knew Tanka was wise to her. Some people you could fool, and some people couldn't be fooled at all.

"No," she said too quickly. "Not exactly," she corrected. "It's just that Amory makes me so mad."

"Hmm, want to tell me about it?"

"No," she answered again, too hastily, then glancing at him, she sat in the chair and nodded. "Yes, I guess I do. I've got to clear the air around me, somehow. I can't get around him without exploding, Tanka. No one's ever affected me like that. I've always had control."

Tanka chuckled softly, knowingly. "Yes, I've noticed the sparks flying. How long have you been in love my brother?"

"In love! With that jerk?" she shrieked with surprise. Was it written all over her face? Did the whole world know how she felt?

"With that jerk. Of course you're in love, no one gets that mad, that easily, unless there are some deep, perhaps hidden feelings. I should know."

Kasie looked at him, realizing he was admitting something aloud, too. But she wasn't ready to bare her soul.

"Nonsense," she denied his theory; she had to. "I loathe the man."

"Sure you do." Tanka nodded, confusing her. "At least, at times you do. But I don't understand why you run from him?"

Anxious to dispel his notions, she rushed to defend herself. "I'm not running from anything, or anybody. It's just that things have gotten so mixed up, here. I mean, he brought me here some time ago, to see my father. I expected my father to be here, or I wouldn't have come at all. Despite what you may think of me, Tanka, I'm not that kind of person. How do I know, maybe Amory is a kidnapper? Maybe he's sitting around here waiting for some kind of ransom. I mean, I am the daughter of a very wealthy set of parents. It's not entirely impossible. I knew I should have put up a bigger fight about coming here."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because, deep down I guess I really wanted to see my father. Explain things this time, so he'd understand. Hoped to see him. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone. Besides, I looked at it as an adventure. And you've got to admit, I'm no match for Amory."

"And you, Kasie?"

She glanced at him again. "I had everything figured out, before I came here. My life was so in order. For the first time. I knew exactly where I was going, and who I was. I'd spent three years with Halls, and I was really getting somewhere, making a career out of computers. I'm good at it. Granted, it was a boring job, and I often found myself daydreaming, but I was independent of everyone. For the first time in my life I didn't need someone to take care of me. You probably don't understand something like that. How could you?"

"Actually, I think I do. I mean, you come from some very rich stock, Kasie. And I'm sure you've had someone around most of the time telling you what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. That can be pretty annoying. A strong independent person like yourself couldn't handle that for very long."

"That's pretty astute of you."

He smiled indulgently. "And now?"

"Now," she murmured as she ran a hand through her hair while shrugging her shoulders like a limp doll. "I—I don't know."

"Topsy-turvy, huh?"

"You could say that, yes. I mean I had plans to move up with my job. Make lots of money. Tell both my parents to take a flying leap. I was accomplishing several things. Independence, privacy–things I never had before. Then this."

"Is money that important to you?"

"Money is the only thing that my parents think is important. It's what I was brought up to believe. But no, it's not important to me. I've had everything a kid could want, most of my life. But I wasn't happy."

"And were you trying to please your parents or yourself?"

Her gaze fell to the floor. "I don't know. I guess I might have been. Subconsciously, maybe."

"And love, Kasie, is that important to you?"

She had been starved for her father's affection all her life, but sometime or another she had shut it all off. Perhaps when she walked out on Amory.

"Don't start telling me about the happily ever after kind of thing. I don't believe it exists. I quit believing in it, a long time ago."

"Eight years ago?"

"Maybe."

She hated him seeing the truth, and yet it was a relief to be able to level with someone, "Look, love isn't an emotion you can depend on, Tanka. You think you have it, and it's simply makes a fool of you. It's just a trick your imagination plays on you. My mother's been married five times; my father, four. I don't intend to break their record."

"How did Chayton hurt you?"

"Chayton?" she gasped his name, savoring the sound of it. It felt so good, so right saying his name, a name that had haunted her for eight years. But had he hurt her? "We were talking about my father."

"Ah, yes, with the father that tried to arrange your life. Yes, I can see that. Trusting in men has only hurt you, hasn't it? You trusted Chayton, and then thought he was marrying you to please your father."

She shrugged, folding her hands in her lap. "He was."

"And deep down you think Amory doesn't and hasn't ever loved you, don't you?"

When she said nothing, he went on. "I can understand that. He doesn't express himself well in words, however, I've always known him to express himself well in other ways—say, in actions. And these feelings you're trying so hard not to admit have confused your thinking."

"I'm confused, yes. But not about Amory. He has no interest in me except that I'm John Douglas III's daughter. And, I think, a little revenge."

"Then let me un-confuse you about a few things at least." He paused, waiting to see if she was listening. She looked at him curiously.

"First let me set you straight about our friend out there. My big lug of a brother out there isn't a skirt chaser, but he believes in loving one woman. He's no flirt. In fact, he hasn't had a serious relationship in years. Eight years to be exact. Oh, I'm not saying he hasn't had a few flings. But nothing serious. You see, he's afraid of losing, too. He lost you, and he lost his family."

"You can't lose what you don't have."

"The naive little Kasie I knew had stars in her eyes back then. Maybe you were right about Chayton then, but now he wants a family. He wants what his parents had. Our parents died together in a boating accident. He took over this business when he was only twenty-four. A big responsibility for one so young. He's a man, with a man's feelings. And he's got some feelings for you, even though I'm sure he doesn't realize how deeply yet. Or maybe he feels you don't love him, and he's too proud to admit his own feelings.

"And we have - you, me, Gina, and Chayton – lived together. And because we have shared the more intimate side of ourselves, we know each other better. Granted, it's only been a short while, but did you live with this Rick character?"

She shook her head.

"We know little things about one another that others don't. That makes our relationships special. Just look at you now. You've known me only a short time, yet we speak as though we've been friends a lifetime. Let me give you some examples.

"How many people know which direction you squeeze the toothpaste?'

Her mouth flew open, but he continued.

"How many people know you like to bathe at night? Or how often you shave your long, lovely legs? Or how often you don't giggle, like Gina does? In fact, I'd say you're in dire need of a good laugh, my little friend. You've been taking yourself and everyone else too seriously. How many people know if you smack at the table, which you don't. How many care? How many men have had the extreme pleasure of watching you comb your beautiful hair? How many people where you work know that you are really an outdoors sort of person? That you love a sunset? And who would believe it possible for you to fall in love with a cantankerous old bear? It's a special closeness you won't share with many."

Kasie's face fell, Tanka was right. So very right.

"Does anyone notice how you swear to cover up your real feelings? That smoking bothers you, even though you're too polite to just say so? No, my lovely Kasie, we know these things about you, because we have lived with you."He smiled reflectively. "You care whether I bundle up in the snow. You are afraid for us when we hunt the bear. You've even worried about Gina and Kyle right this minute. You chopped wood, a deed you would never consider anywhere else. You could have been born right here on this mountain, you love it so."

Dear God, he knew her so well.

"And Kasie, unless I miss my guess, you've been drawn to my brother from the very beginning. Some inborn trust of him let you come with him, despite that he's no match for you. Can you deny your feelings have magnified for him in these past eight years?"